Why I Don’t Count My Sobriety Time
I use a different measure to judge the success of my sobriety
Popularized by AA through collecting tokens, most people who get sober count their days and their time. And I get why it’s popular as a motivational tool. I’ve made it to 6 months, I’m nearly at a year, I can do this.
Counting time also makes sense. Research says, the longer you are sober for the less likely you are to relapse. Counting time can therefore make you feel secure and confident in your sobriety.
I know all of this but still stopped counting time. I only realized when I was asked how long I had been sober and didn't know.
I know approximately how long I’ve been sober. Mainly because as I went into rehab to get sober, I only have to search for my admission date.
I’m not knocking it if counting time is your thing and I know it works for many people, particularly in the first year of sobriety. I collected tokens in my first year and it absolutely helped me, but as time has gone on I’ve realized that counting time just doesn't sit well with me. Here’s why:
It strokes the ego
The ego has no place in sobriety. However, counting time for some people allows them to feel superior and tell newbies in recovery how to live.
There’s a lot of this going on in the AA rooms and it’s encouraged by 12 step programs, the first thing in the meeting is acknowledging time milestones. Long-time members proudly displayed their tokens on their car key fob. And newbies tend to feel intimidated and look up in awe to those who have a couple of years under their belts.
But why? I often felt that when I announced my time I was getting respect I didn’t deserve, being viewed as if I had answers. At the beginning of my sobriety, I wanted this position of wise senior, but now I don’t care for it, I know that I don’t know any more than anyone else.
Relying too heavily on time as the main measure of recovery success is missing the bigger picture. Emphasis on the one element that generates easy comparison with others indicates that the ego needs something to grasp to.
It’s linked to willpower
By counting days of abstinence, it becomes like a test, how long can I survive without the one thing I loved most in the world? Be it a gallon carton of ice cream or a 6 pack, it’s exactly the same. The focus is on your strength to resist. Counting time indicates that not only time itself is important but also that it's necessary to count it.
If every day I got up and there was a number flashing on my phone to tell me, congratulations you've made it to 999 days sober or whatever, it would be a reminder that I am an alcoholic. And a reminder that at one time I needed help to get through the day and stay sober. I don’t need that reminder every day anymore.
Sure it's important sometimes to realize how far I have come, but the truth is that now, most days I don’t think about the fact that I don’t drink. It’s just not on my radar anymore, my life has changed enough that I’m not confronted with people drinking every day. And if I am reminded that I don’t drink, it’s generally not a thank god I’ve survived another day resisting the one thing I want more than anything feeling but a thank god I don’t drink anymore feeling.
Time is not a measure of success
Sobriety is so much more to me than time. When I counted days, I felt like I was wishing them away. I’ve got my token for 6 months, now I just can’t wait for the jazzy 1-year token.
Counting days and announcing the number with pride felt like waiting for the anticlimax of becoming 21. The expectation that when you’re 21, all of a sudden you are going to be a grown-up.
Of course, becoming 21 does not turn you into an adult. That only happens when you grow up through making mistakes and taking responsibility.
This is exactly the same as sobriety, the number doesn't mean anything, it’s what you have achieved in that time that counts. It’s the lessons you’ve learned, the times you have made mistakes and been accountable, it’s shown in your ability to be authentic and true to yourself. This can happen in 6 months of sobriety, but it equally might not happen in 6 years.
A false sense of security
Because current research indicates the longer you are sober the less likely you are to relapse, when you make it to 5 years, it’s easy to breathe a sigh of relief and think I’ve made it through the hardest time.
But is that really so?
There is very little longitudinal research on alcoholics and how many relapse after a decent length of time. The case of Philip Seymour Hoffman shows that serious relapse and death is always a possibility, particularly if you become complacent and stop working on yourself or didn't ever do the work initially.
How I measure my sobriety success
I think back to what I was like at my rock bottom. Or in the years leading up to it. How ill I was. How I couldn’t even do the most basic thing without a panic attack. How I lived in a perpetual state of fear and felt chronically miserable. How I didn't acknowledge the life I wanted. How I was completely and utterly controlled by alcohol.
My success is measured by how far I have come since then. Of course, staying sober is a factor, but even if I had a slip but recognized it and worked through why then I wouldn’t see that as a fail.
Therefore my success is measured in:
- Authenticity: how true I am being to myself and others
- Emotional regulation: how well I am recognizing and managing my emotions
- Respect: the value with which I treat myself and others
Sometimes I’m doing s**t at my sobriety, I’m not eating properly, I’m flying off the handle at people, I’m stressed, I’m panicky: I’m letting my emotions take over.
I have to take a step back and work out why I’m doing this. What’s going on here: reflect on it, learn from it.
I’m never going to be perfect at authenticity, emotional regulation, and respect. But, if I’m able to bring myself back when I sway into the danger zone, or if I’m doing great for months, I can honestly tell myself, you are killing sobriety.
Ultimately, I see sobriety as a unique journey. How I view my sobriety is of course different from yours, even though there may be similarities between our journeys, they will never be identical.
Separating time from sobriety takes the focus away from resisting a drug to choosing and living my life the right way. You see if someone offered me 20 million dollars if I could stay sober for ten years I would do it. But my focus would always be on the money.
I want my sobriety to be about quality not quantity of time.
This article is not intended to offend those who enjoy and rely on counting time but provoke discussion around the topic. I don't have the answers, I only have thoughts and opinions and they are open to change. I want them to change, so let me know in the comments if you see things differently.
If you’re struggling to quit drinking, you’re not alone.
If you’re ready to try something different, read beautiful hangover and discover what I did. Do whatever it takes to stay sober for 30 days: go to your doctor, try Smart or AA or Hip Sobriety or Soberistas.
Listen to Recovery Elevator and SHAIR podcasts. Read This Naked Mind. Try Moderation Management.
There is a whole community of people just waiting to help you. Reach out. Something better is waiting for you.
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Doran Lamb is a freelance writer on addiction and mental health. She writes to challenge the stigma that exists as a result of mental health and through her writing wants the world to know that individual difference makes the world dynamic, sexy and beautiful. She is proudly an addict in recovery, a mother, and an opinionated woman, who has learned not to give a f**k what anyone thinks.
If you liked this, here are some other articles I have written about alcohol and drinking culture:
· Clean Drinking: Why Alcohol Advertising Directed at Millennials Is More Dangerous Than Ever
· 10 Clear Signs You’re Trapped in the Shame Cycle of Addiction
· Ditching These Top 5 Sobriety Tips Has Been Essential For My Recovery
