MUSINGS
10 Clear Signs You’re Trapped in the Shame Cycle of Addiction
By the time I hit that gut-wrenching final rock bottom, I actually cried out the words, ‘the guilt, the shame’, like a Shakespearean actor. Except I wasn’t on stage, but in my kitchen, slouched against the fridge, phone sticking to my puffy-face and drowning in waves of guilt and shame as my bestie tried to reassure me for the millionth time that year.
At the time I certainly wasn’t thinking of the irony of it. But I did spend days of my life post this ironic rock bottom moment, frantically searching the internet with the question: ‘Am I an Alcoholic?’
If like me, you have actually uttered the words ‘the guilt and the shame’, (internally or externally) in relation to your booze-fueled endeavors, then you too may be trapped in the shame cycle of addiction.
With the benefit of hindsight and many years in therapy, here are my signs that I was trapped in that cycle:
1. You have a physical response:
I regularly felt so ashamed of what I got up to on the booze, that I had a physical response. I would turn as red as a beetroot, cover my face with my hands and my body language would change to hunched over with my head down. I also had panic attacks and couldn’t eat in response to shame.
2. This is your shameful life:
The awful stuff I had said or done replayed on an uncontrollable loop through my mind in a torturous fashion.
3. Your actions fuel internal shaming:
My mind used those actions to tell me what an awful/ disgusting individual I was or that everyone hated me.
4. Night terrors:
I woke up in the night in horror at things I had said or done and couldn’t get back to sleep. Sometimes I would wake up to a panic attack.
5. No control:
With increasing frequency, I felt that I had absolutely no control over what I had said or done when under the influence. When I drank it was like I had been possessed.
6: Commitments are slipping:
I was regularly not fulfilling my commitments at work or in my significant relationships because of drinking.
7. Inability to see consequences of drinking:
The consequences of my drinking on those important areas of my life were not visible to me when I wanted to drink again. Of course until the next day and I slept in again.
8. Dutch Courage:
I needed a drink before I went somewhere. Dutch courage I would call it, but either way, I needed it in a way that others didn’t. Others drank for fun, I was drinking to survive social situations.
9. Drink and relax:
Alcohol was the only way I could relax. Activities that were previously relaxing ceased to be. If someone suggested doing something after work that didn't include alcohol, I would be highly unlikely to attend or I would find a way to drink before and after.
10. Inability to be alone without alcohol:
I could not be by myself and sit with my emotions. If left alone for more than a minute I would be thinking of a drink to quiet my mind.
Until I showed up in rehab I had absolutely no idea that shame had taken over my life. But there was no hiding from it- I was shame driven. Although drinking had put my shame sensor into overdrive and given it plenty of fuel, it was still there without the booze. My mind was primed to look for anything it could use to shame me with.
So how can you counteract this shame bulls**t?
This is a two-pronged approach. First, identify your enemy and then, attack.
1. Awareness:
Stopping shame requires you first to be aware of it. So what does it look like? Shame statements are generally ‘all or nothing’ statements that basically have at their core the belief that you are not good enough or that you are in some way deficient. Common shame-based core beliefs I had were:
- No one likes me.
- I never succeed at anything.
- I’m useless, I can’t do anything right.
2. Write that shame s**t down:
In active addiction and early sobriety, most things I said or did triggered a shame belief. Most things. In fact, it wouldn’t even have to be something I said or did, someone could look at me, and instantly my shame belief that ‘no one likes me’ would rear its ugly head. Someone else could produce an amazing piece of work and I would think, ‘I never succeed at anything’ and ‘I’m useless’.
Every time a shame-driven core belief would pop up, I wrote down what triggered that shame statement and then tried to think of a way of challenging it. For example, ‘no one likes me’, could have been triggered by someone laughing at me or dismissing a comment I made. To challenge this negative shame statement, I would write down the people that did like me.
Writing down shame statements and working out what triggered them fulfill two purposes. Firstly they allow you to explore and recognize your triggers for shame and secondly they expose the shame for what it really is. Something that has made you feel miserable really is such a small thing once you have written it down in your notebook.
So what if Zoe from HR gives you dirty looks and ignores you? She might suffer from chronic shyness, have an eye infection, be in love with you or maybe she doesn’t like you. What does it really matter? She’s one person in a world of billions. Writing it down can allow you to see how tenuous the link is that your mind is making from one person potentially not liking you to no one out of a world of billions not liking you.
These ‘all or nothing’ thoughts still come up now. For example, I have a friend who is incredibly driven and successful, she chases her dreams wholeheartedly and has carved out an amazing career in yoga and meditation. She recently posted that she's now a teacher trainer and has designed her own course. Instead of being happy for her, all I could think of was my lack of success and I started to get into ‘all or nothing’ thinking. Her success attached itself to my shame-held belief that ‘I never succeed at anything’. I had to quickly remind myself of what I have achieved this year and knock that bulls**t down. After all, what’s the point in beating myself up? It really is such an awful lot of work. I could be reading a book, sleeping, or thinking up new ideas to write about. My life is now far too short to play the shame game. However, shame doesn’t completely disappear. You just learn how to manage it.
3. Check the negative self-talk:
It’s not just ‘all or nothing’ thinking that you need to watch out for. It’s every time you criticize yourself, or you tell yourself that you’re stupid, chastise yourself for dropping something, for not finishing all the items on your impossible to-do-list or for staying in bed instead of getting up at 6 am to workout. Every time you tell yourself, ‘I could have done better today’. All of these need to be noticed and checked, are you being unnecessarily hard on yourself and fuelling shame?
If you have spent your life internally berating yourself for everything that you do and never congratulating yourself, you are going to be defeated. Think of a small child trying their best all day at school, imagine if instead of saying to that child, ‘well done for working hard at math today and music’, you said ‘you missed a full stop and your hair’s a mess’. How’s the child going to feel? Well you are that child and maybe you were that child and that’s why you're here today feeling shame. Be aware of how often you chastise yourself.
Ok so now you have identified the enemy and where it lurks. If you're like me it's literally everywhere. Somedays, I honestly can't wake up without criticising myself for something. Now you need to attack.
4. Say nice things:
Ok, so this is going to feel weird but what about if you just stopped being mean to yourself. Go on try it. So right now I'm sat at my desk, it's 10.20 pm and my instinct is to get mad at myself because I’m going to bed late, I didn’t get even 3 things done today on my to-do-list and I’m picking at my nails. But instead, I’m going to say, well done for doing some yoga today- yes you didn't make the gym, but you did get 20 minutes of yoga done, I’m proud of you for that. And yes you didn't apply for that job, but you got loads of writing done, I think it’s great that you just got stuck in there and typed up three stories. You’re great.
Honestly try it. Think of something you did today, maybe you made dinner, organized something, or got somewhere on time (yes I totally congratulate myself for that). And say well done, say I’m proud of you for doing that. And that’s it. Feels good right? You don’t need to be all stressy with yourself to get things done, I’ve learned that it doesn’t make any difference. And plus if you tell yourself what a fantastic, sexy, amazing, fabulous individual you are enough, you will find that you won’t need to hear it from other people quite as much.
5. Affirmations:
Affirmations, love them or hate them, they are a widely recognized self-help tool. The idea behind them is that through repetition of selected affirmations, you are filling your head with positive statements about yourself that can counteract the shame-driven core beliefs.
Like many people, I was initially skeptical about affirmations, however, after hitting rock bottom I honestly would have drunk my own pee every morning if I was told it would heal me. So, there I found myself every morning standing in front of the mirror, clutching a notebook and hoping that no one could hear me as I told myself, ‘I am beautiful and strong and I can achieve anything’.
However, did it work?
Well, yes, albeit temporarily. I found those affirmations that I had carefully chosen bouncing around in my subconscious as I walked to class. And although they didn’t permanently erase my negative core beliefs, I think they helped generate positivity where I had none and formed a free and easily achievable part of my recovery morning routine.
To do it, stand in front of the mirror, really look at yourself, and repeat your chosen affirmations out loud and with conviction at least 5 times. Eventually, you know them without reading and the process feels more natural. I chose to use affirmations every day for my first 6 months of sobriety. However, I know it's always there for when life gets tough and I can feel shame ebbing back in.
It’s also better to create your own affirmations that mean something to you and that challenge your unique shame statements. For example, ‘I am useless’, can be challenged with, ‘I am creative and dedicated. I can achieve anything that I want to.’
6. Write a Gratitude List:
This is absolutely an all-round winner. At night, you simply write a list of all the fantastic things about your day. For example, today I am grateful for: fried okra, typing in a quiet cafe, my daughter, my newly organized desk, sun dried tomato challah, my mum’s advice, my gorgeous cats, the orange sunset, writing, yoga. Alot of people like to add sobriety in too of course. I think ten is a good number to be grateful for, but this is your list so do it your way. Creating this list allowed me to think and count all the things I had to be grateful for. In the same way that affirmation fills your head with good beliefs about yourself, a gratitude list reminds you of all the good stuff in your life.
Finally…Don’t feel shame for feeling shame:
As if shame is not f**king cruel enough, sadly if you are prone to shame, the knowledge that you have allowed yourself to fall prey to what is essentially self-sabotage can send you spiraling into disgust at yourself for hurting yourself. I found initially that I criticized myself when I found it hard to stop those shame-driven thoughts.
Give. Yourself. A. Break. Seriously.
Breaking the shame cycle is not an overnight task. It takes time and work to counteract negative core beliefs. Addiction provides the fuel, however, if like me, you are shame-driven, the shame will have been there before the addiction.
Right now, I’m taking the time to truly appreciate myself for who I really am. Some days it’s great and that shame bulls**t is nowhere to be seen and then some days it’s back and I have to attack.
Good luck with getting out of the shame game, drop me a message in the comments if you want to connect.
Doran Lamb is a freelance writer on addiction and mental health. She writes to challenge the stigma that exists as a result of mental health and through her writing wants the world to know that individual difference makes the world dynamic, sexy and beautiful. She is proudly an addict in recovery, a mother, and an opinionated woman, who has learned not to give a f**k what anyone thinks.
