Why it’s so hard to apologize

Sometimes “sorry” is the hardest thing to say.

by: E.B. Johnson

There’s not a single one of us reading this right now that haven’t been on both the giving and receiving ends of an apology. Apologies are a part of our everyday life, and they occur at every level, at every age and in every stage of our personal development. “I’m sorry,” is one of the earliest phrases that gets added to our arsenal as children, and it’s easy to understand why. Learning how to apologize the right way is one of the most important skills we can master; but it’s often one of the hardest to master too.

Apologies are more than just a few quick words like, “Oops,” “my bad,” or “sorry”. In reality, genuine apologies (especially when it comes to serious indescretions) are a combination of words, deeds an sentiments that allow us to not only prove we feel bad, but also to make authentic change in our lives. When we’re truly sorry for something, we don’t just say a few words and continue on. We change the behavior behind the hurt inflicted and prove that we have regret that we’re working to shift.

The types of apology.

There are 6 basic types of apology that are commonly used by all of us. Not all of the apologies are created equally, however, and not all of them serve a positive purpose. The key to understanding genuine apologies starts with first learning about the different type of apologies and how you can use them (or avoid them) in order to enhance the quality of your own life.

Appeasement

Appeasement apologies are toxic and manipulative in many ways, whether they are demanded or given up. These types of apologies are given strictly to impact another person’s feelings, and doesn’t come from a caring or considerate place in any regard. Not only is the apology meaningless, but it fails to resolve any issues or deep-seated insecurities that might have caused the misstep or conflict in the first place.

The non-apology

We’ve all encountered or used the non-apology at some point in our lives. It’s an apology that looks like an apology, but it’s really not an apology at all. More often than not, it sounds something like, “Sorry if I hurt your feelings” and makes it clear that the other party really doesn’t care at all. The key word in the phrase is “if”, which indicates the other person’s lack of empathy and understanding, as well as their willingness to do only the bare minimum.

On demand

On-demand apologies are one of the most common types of apology — and one of the most useless. It’s an apology that comes from a place of expediency, and one that adds nothing to our own intimate growth or enhancement. On-demand apologies do noting to resolve the underlying situation and everything to cover-up the deeper issues that are seeping through.

Guilt apologies

One of the higher level of apologies are those that come from a place of guilt. Though this is similar to a genuine apology that comes from a place of regret, it’s not quite the same. Guilt apologies, though often masked as a noble deed meant to assuage the pain of others, are more about easing our own feelings or making ourselves more comfortable. An example of this might be a child who tells their mother they will clean their room…but they never do. The lie isn’t about keeping mom happy, it’s about keeping the child comfortable.

Politeness

Some people apologize only because they feel as though they have a social obligation to do so. Rather than apologizing because they genuinely care, they wield apologies like tools and use them to gain approval or show how socially respectable and “nice” they are. These apologies are false, but they can also be harmless — for example, when you bump into a stranger on the elevator and quickly mutter a, “Sorry.”

From the heart

This is the truest and most genuine form of apology, and one that is neither forced nor false. When we apologize from the heart, we genuinely feel the wrong we have committed and the hurt that we have caused. We empathize with the other person, and we want to make things right or better for them. It transcends any lip-service and makes it clear that genuine affection and regret are involved. An apology from the heart combines words, actions an expressions of assurance that strengthen a relationship, rather than weaken it.

The right way to apologize.

Whether we want to admit it or not, there is a right way to apologize. More than just saying some words, a true and genuine apology requires us to accept responsibility, express regret, make active restitution, repent and then also ask for the forgiveness we seek. Without these elements, no apology is complete, and without these elements it’s impossible to get on the same page.

Express regret

The first part of an apology requires an expression of regret — by definition. To apologize means to say that you’re sorry, and mean it. It’s a combination of words, actions and genuine emotions. No matter what we think we did, no matter how we perceive the situation to be; without an expression of regret, the rest of the apology process is moot.

Accept responsibility

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of a good apology is the acceptance of responsibility. It’s not easy to admit that we’re wrong (see below) and it’s not easy to admit that we messed up or made a poor choice. Accepting responsibility is critical, however, and not just as part of an apology. If we truly hope to grow and create the futures that we want, taking responsibility for the part we play in our own lives is imperative.

Make restitution

Restitution can be a touchy topic, but it’s an important part of the apology process. Rather than just accepting responsibility or mentioning our regret, we have to reassure the injured party that they are still loved, valued and wanted. That’s because, when we injure the feelings or trust of someone close to us, it reflects on the bond you share with that person; so that bond must be reinforced through restitution if it’s to have any hope of survival.

Repent

We tend to think of apologies in terms of words, but they are truly more defined by the actions they inspire; and that’s where repentance comes in. An apology without action is useless, and the action should be action that shows a change of mind or a genuine turn-around. Rather than just telling a loved one “sorry” we have to show them that we’re truly sorry, and show them that we truly desire for things to be different.

Ask for forgiveness

Ask for forgiveness and leave space for that process…or that denial. Just because you ask for forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re entitled to it. We all heal in our own time, and we all let go in our own time. We aren’t required to receive forgiveness for what we’ve done, nor are we entitled to give forgiveness to those that have wronged us. It all comes down to personal perspective and the type of environment you want to create.

Why apologies are so hard.

There’s an old adage that says, “sorry is the hardest thing to say,” and it’s true. Apologizing is hard and for a number of reasons. When we are confronted with the errors of our own ways, we are also forced to confront elements of ourselves that can be unpleasant or uncomfortable. Only by digging deep and getting to the root of our apology discomfort can we unlock the power of our own inner forgiveness; but it’s a process that takes time and acceptance.

1. The magnitude gap

Apologies are complex, and they involve emotions that can (likewise) be attached to a number of even more complex insecurities and emotions. We all have layers, and these layers affect everything from the way we react to the perspectives we hold of the world around us. This magnitude gap is one of the primary factors that makes it so difficult to apologize, as it requires us to step outside the complex web of emotions and experiences that makes us see the world as we do.

The magnitude gap is basically the way in which both sides see the offence. When it comes to close-conflict, one party generally sees things as more of a serious issue than it actually is, or vice versa. Unable to step outside of the way they see things, irritation escalates and it becomes harder and hard to communicate efficiently. This is why it’s critical to be aware of the magnitude gap, and make conscious efforts to see things from a different perspective, no matter the situation or your opinion of it.

If one partner thinks that their mistake was just a slip-up, they’re less likely to apologize — leaving the other partner out in the cold and feeling as though their feelings don’t matter or aren’t be considered. It doesn’t matter how serious our slip-ups are. We don’t get to choose whether or not we’ve hurt other people. Taking on this truth and digesting it is the first step in apologizing from the heart, and it’s the first step in learning a greater truth: other people matter just as much as we do.

2. Struggle with self-acceptance

Though we don’t often consider it, self-acceptance is one of the biggest problems when it comes to apologizing. An apology indicates wrongdoing or making a mistake, and that’s something that can be too hard to swallow for some people. When we are forced to apologize to someone (whether willingly or unwillingly) we are forced to say, “Oops. I messed up” and that’s never a pleasant thing to do. As humans, we like to be right and, more often than not, we like to think we’re infallible; but apologies bring us right back down to reality.

Many people can’t say “I’m sorry” because they find mistakes to reflect on their personal character or integrity. Rather than seeing a goof as a part of life, they see it as an in-exorcizable black mark on their record. It becomes something that haunts them and something that feeds their insecurities day-in and day-out.

Our apologies bring us face-to-face with the sides of ourselves we may not want to face. They force us to look the consequences of our actions in the face, and they force us to take responsibility in ways that can be both alarming and uncomfortable. Apologizing — truly apologizing — means putting shameful behavior out there and accepting the guilt or the shame or whatever other negative emotions come attached. It’s putting on the adult-pants, but that can be a hard thing do if you’re not ready or you’re unwilling to grow through the pain.

3. The unknown

Many people are terrified of apologizing because it represents the unknown. As humans, we loathe change and we loathe anything that is different, strange, uncomfortable or unfamiliar (for the most part). We avoid things that push us outside of our comfort zones, and we avoid things that might shine a light on our lives in a way that is random, unpredictable or out-with our control.

To apologize means to lay bare you indescretions in the hope that there is forgiveness waiting on the other side. If this means apologizing to a spouse or partner, it means showing them sides of yourself you’ve always tried to keep secret — and that is something that can be both terrifying and unpredictable.

Just because we apologize to someone does not mean we are automatically granted forgiveness; and we know that. It’s terrifying. It’s necessary, though, in order to push us beyond the edges of our comfort and into the places where we can grow and bloom in new and beautiful ways. Apologizing is a leap into the unknown every time, and that’s scary. It’s necessary too, however, if we want our relationships to thrive.

4. Obsession with right and wrong

Some struggle with both apologies and forgiveness because of their skewed or socially-warped sense of right and wrong. Our morals are important to us, and often tied closely to our ideologies, and this can affect our perspective or the way we see ourselves in relation to others. When we become set on a certain moral code, it makes it hard to look beyond at the exceptions that can and often do occur each and everyday; which can, in turn, cause us to miss out on some pretty exceptional opportunities.

All morality is relative, and though there are certainly some set-in-stone “rights and wrongs”, there are more exceptions than we often give credit for. What is right and what is wrong all comes down to what we choose to make of those two constructs. Becoming hooked on one perspective of this concept forces you to close out the perspectives of others, and therefore close out your own naturally given compassion and empathy.

In order to give an apology or accept an apology, we have to understand that we can both be right at times, and we can both be wrong. Alongside that, you have to learn to take on someone else’s opinion or morality and compare it to your own. Only when you can come to find a middle ground and both open up to see where the other person is coming from can you find a true apology. We are freed by forgiveness, but we have to understand first that what is right an what is wrong sometimes matters less than having happiness again.

5. Failing to be vulnerable

One of the biggest reason so many of us struggle to apologize is a failure to be vulnerable. Not only does apologizing require us to take a leap into the unknown, it also requires us to reveal our weaknesses and exposes ourselves in raw and intimate ways. When apologize, we say “I was wrong,” and this admittance is both terrifying and uncomfortable in a number of ways.

Failing to be vulnerable, or failing to open up or reveal emotions when it really counts, makes it especially hard to apologize or admit that we’re wrong. When we’re uncomfortable with our feelings, or feel insecure when it comes to expressing ourselves, it makes standing under the heated glare of someone who’s upset with us that much harder.

Part of an honest and genuine apology is opening up and taking on the opinions and point-of-view of others. It requires sharing your perspective and your experience, and it requires opening up your pain and your insecurities to another person. Working on our vulnerability allows us to share, but it also allows us to grow. More than being able to say, “I’m sorry,” it enables us to empower true growth and change in our lives, and feel true empathy for our partners, family, friends and spouses.

Putting it all together…

Apologies can be both simple and complex, but they all require a combination of words, action and sentiment. When we apologize the right way, we show the other person that we care through expressions of genuine regret, repentance and actions that prove we are doing what we can to change what went wrong. It’s not always easy or pleasant to say, “sorry”, but it’s often one of the most important things we can do. When we learn how to apologize, we learn how to forgive — but it’s a process that can be difficult for a number of reasons.

The magnitude gap is the way in which we see what we’ve done, against the way someone else sees what we’ve done. Failing to see things from the other person’s point of view makes it hard to understand why your actions were so damaging in the first place. Likewise, a failure to accept yourself or take a good, hard look in the mirror can make it hard to say “I’m sorry” when it really counts. As humans we are terrified of the unknown, and an apology is just that — leaping out into the unknown and exposing our less-than-favorite parts. When we’re obsessed with right and wrong, it can make it easy to look past the middle way, where happiness and opportunity wait for us. It’s never easy to admit we’re wrong, but it’s necessary in order to grow and maintain the relationships that bring us fulfillment and joy.