Why ALL Relationships Are Key to Survival: A Timely and Urgent Truth

Part 1: Social ties are central to identity, direction in life, even how long we live. Part 2: How to wrangle and replenish them.

A Common-but-Rarely-Stated Side Effect of COVID

As someone who’s spent the better part of her career studying and writing about relationships — not to mention, being in them — I can confirm:

If you’re good at relationships, you’re good at life.

If you need convincing, review your last two years. Life wasn’t different and difficult for you because confinement was limiting or boring. We all had a touch of Groundhog Day fever. But what we missed most about life was our relationships.

Even if you lived with family members 24/7, you probably didn’t mix with members of your extended clan—that favorite cousin or a far-away grandparent. Absent the familiar characters, perhaps you created an impromptu pod of neighbors, other families, a few close friends. But gone were the everyday connections you once took for granted.

Imagine if you ALSO had to change homes and cities!

I’ve moved twice during COVID, because of my partner’s work, first to Washington, D.C. and then to Paris. In each new city, I had to start over.

My family and close friends — solid and seasoned relationships — didn’t change. But my network of casual and replaceable relationships did.

Gone were the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker — connections rooted in a particular place.

Also gone were acquaintances I might see for brunch or a movie but would never invite for a weekend sleepover.

These social subtractions left me with a negative balance, reminding me (once again) that casual connections are just as important as intimates — and that from time to time, we need to replenish them.

What about you?

Have you been thinking about your relationships, before and after COVID? Maybe you always worked at home, so you never missed your chums at the office. But who else was absent from your life during confinement? Who’s new? And are your more recent connections worth nurturing and keeping? Does your social convoy need new members?

Whether COVID isolation was unbearable or barely changed your daily existence, the formula still holds.

Good relationships = a good life

That is not to say that good relationships make you immune to unexpected or serious problems. $h!t happens. However, having social support makes you better equipped to handle whatever comes at you.

Thus, it makes sense that a key aspect of savvy life management — as essential to social health as regular check-ups are to physical health — is to monitor the state of your relationships.

ALL of them.

The Myth of the Significant Other

Let’s assume you already found your forever person.

They* are kind and supportive, loving and fun to be with, eager to listen when you speak. They enjoy many of the things you enjoy. Both of you are also independent, sometimes taking time away to pursue your individual passions. You are in separate boats and have chosen to go down the same river.

* The non-gendered pronoun “they” is used throughout — to be inclusive and to avoid the clunky he/she/they option.

You also have great relationship skills. So when the water gets choppy, neither of you is likely to take off in another direction. No one else would have been a better choice.

Sure, it’s wonderful to have a good relationship with a special someone. But, to paraphrase Peggy Lee, that’s not all there is.

Satisfaction in and with life is not just about one person — your so-called significant other.

One relationship, though deeper than all others, is never the only route to happiness, well-being, and personal fulfillment.

Equally important are “other significants”—your consequential strangers. They offer support, encouragement, and caring outside your home. Most important, they give you something even a beloved partner can’t: a sense of belonging to something bigger.

Bella DePaulo, a psychologist who has been “proudly single” her whole life, points out in her TED talk that coupledom shouldn’t be the gold standard of relationships. The unpartnered also enjoy rich, fulfilled lives.

Despite commonly held misconceptions about the benefits of marriage, DePaulo asserts, research shows that (1) marriage doesn’t necessarily make people happier; and (2) being single doesn’t necessarily lead to unhappiness.

A good many spouses, in fact, become less happy — 42% of marriages end in divorce. No doubt. a similarly large percentage of cohabitating partners split up, too.

Among the reasons some relationships deteriorate is that one or both parties jettisons former social ties. They no longer see single friends, unmarried colleagues, or acquaintances their spouses don’t like. They make fewer new connections.

Sometimes in the absence of other significants, the partners become enmeshed. Each is living with a significant other, but they might be better off alone.

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone” -Robin Williams

Why All Relationships Matter

Relationships are everything. Hitched or single, here’s why you need them:

You are the sum of your relationships.

You are not just what you eat. You are also who you meet. Each relationship embodies the two of you; you interact and influence each other. Think of someone in your past — a teacher, a doctor, a workout buddy, an old friend. They changed you, I’m sure. Look at how. What did they show you? How did their ideas and behavior affect the way you think and act today? What new “self” emerged in their presence? Sadly, we often ponder a person’s influence after they’re gone. With the recent deaths of several publishing colleagues, I was amazed to see so clearly how each affected my work identity.

Every relationship is a mirror.

You connect with others over shared interests, skills, and circumstances. Each holds up a different mirror, allowing you to see the role you play — who you are with that particular person. At home, for instance, your partner and family members reflect the image of you as a caretaker, a helpmate, an organizer. In your tennis buddy’s mirror, you see yourself as athlete and competitor. This mirror-effect also explains why it’s sometimes shocking to see a loved one relate to a stranger in an unfamiliar social setting. This person you know so well is suddenly wittier or, at the other extreme, more withdrawn. Either way, it’s because they’re playing to a new audience — a new mirror.

Valuing only one relationship puts too much stress on the One.

No one can be your everything. Sharing a life with another person has multiple challenges and responsibilities. You can’t always be each other’s sounding boards. Your partner should not be the only person “there” for you — to listen, advise, react, support, and identify. Especially when you’re stewing over something — a decision, a fear, a hurt — talking to your significant other first might not be a good idea. Better to get an entirely different, unbiased perspective about what your feeling. Other significants tend to travel in different circles, too, so it’s unlikely that what you confide will get back to the One!

Developing a diverse network of other significants bodes well for your health and longevity.

Many studies confirm that the more different your connections are from you and from each other, the better. This advice, is not just for extroverts. You don’t need hundreds of others in your life. You just need variety. Most of us naturally assemble a rag-tag collection of different kinds of people without noticing: a best friend from grade school, the woman who sells you coffee every morning, your hairdresser, your mechanic, a trainer. Each is part of your social convoy and, importantly, expose you to a wider world of experiences and ideas.

Casual relationships beget opportunities.

Neither variety nor novelty is dished out at home. In the best of circumstances, home represent comfort, predictability, and acceptance. But not the unexpected. Our intimates read what we read, think the way we think. The strength-of-weak ties theory, put forth by sociologist Mark Granovetter in 1973, still holds up: Relationships with far-flung others bring in job opportunities, fresh ideas, unfamiliar experiences, and broader knowledge of the culture. To have a balanced life, we must heed the call of the new as eagerly as we enjoy the comfort of home. It keeps us learning, moving, taking risks.

Even a non-intimate relationship can be a source of solace and support.

Even though a person is not “close” in the conventional sense, you can have important conversations. It’s often easier to talk with a casual acquaintance about something that’s difficult for an intimate to hear. A few years ago, for example, I happened to cross paths on a beach walk with a woman who had Stage 4 cancer. We were not close; she had a long-term partner at home. Still, she launched into an intimate conversation about dying. “This kind of talk upsets Barbara,” she explained. “So thank you for listening.” Of course, I also thanked her. Solace and support reward the giver as well.

The bottom line: We are social beings. All relationships matter. They shape us and nurture us, no matter how casual the connection.

Read Part 2: “7 Simple Strategies for Wrangling and Replenishing Your Connections in the Wake of COVID”

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