Uncommon Valentine’s Day Wisdom: Stay in Your Own Boat

“Growing” yourself is the surprising secret of true togetherness. Here are 8 strategies that can help.

With Valentine’s Day upon us, all thoughts turn to relationships. We might buy our loved one a bouquet of red roses, a bottle of bubbly, or an expensive bauble. But here’s the truth.

Regardless of how much money you spend or how much you want to please your beloved…

Nothing matters if you can’t stay in your own boat.

When you stay in your own boat, you will not only better the relationship and keep the flame alive, you will learn from each other and each of you will be become better, stronger, and more in control of your own life.

Lofty promises? Confused? Read on…

A Unique Way to Picture Your Partnership

The late David Schnarch, a marriage and family therapist I admired for his uncommon insights, explained that couples must “differentiate.” Only by defining and knowing yourself can you truly be intimate with another person. To illustrate, he evoked a powerful image that shows how the healthiest and most long-lasting relationships survive and thrive:

It’s is not about being “in the same boat,” as the stuff of romantic novels and love songs might have us believe.

Rather, Schnarch stressed, you’re in two separate boats and have made a choice to travel down the same river. You are still very much “together,” but in a way that supports each other’s growth and individuality.

This is a difficult concept to grasp. We live in a culture that simultaneously values rugged individualism and teaches us that being “in love,” is a state of constant togetherness — two heads on one pillow, as my grandmother from the old country put it. Peas in a pod. Halves of the same whole. We are magically transformed, saved, revered by our partner.

But if we’re “in the same boat,” who’s in charge? Who’s steering? Who is the captain?

Now imagine yourself in two separate boats, having made a deliberate choice to travel down the same river.

You call to your partner across the bow of your boat to share news, make a request, or make a hard decision…together.

In that moment, your unique self — the stuff of which your boat is built and all the equipment and baggage your boat carries in it — connects with your partner’s unique self — their boat and its cargo.

You are “together” even when the river itself changes course and unexpectedly tosses each of your boats (COVID, the economy tanks). You are together even when your partner’s boat takes an unexpected detour (mine got a huge promotion that landed us in Paris).

At times, you float effortlessly near each other’s boats. You hear each other easily; no reason to shout. You find a great house, plan a vacation in a place you both love. Easy stuff.

Sometimes, though, your bows bump. Early infatuation turns into annoying tics, or as one divorce therapist put it, “Virtues become vices.”

Or, life throws you a curve ball. Even a seemingly welcome change, like a new baby, can cause waves. If the collision isn’t too forceful, and you have good relational skills, you quickly recover and resume course.

At worst, one of your boats is already heading in a different direction. Not much deep listening is going on across your respective bows. One of you might be just waiting for a turn to speak. The other might be thinking, I can’t do this anymore.

Being in separate boats is no guarantee of forever, but…

8 Strategies To Improve Your Chances of Staying on the Same River

Schnarch’s paradoxical prescription for “togetherness” is tricky. You’re in separate boats, traveling the same river together — for better and worse. Every day, life confronts you with big and small decisions, unexpected news and events that will impact your life as individuals and as a couple. Every day, each of reacts and changes. And whatever affects one changes “us.”

Periodically, it will be necessary to correct course. Your chances of staying on the same river improve with these basic — sometimes, challenging — strategies for both nurturing the relationship and knowing yourself.

1. When your partner calls to you from their boat, really listen.

This is obvious, right? But in the frenzy of our ADD-induced lives, many of us inadvertently tune out. We have to try harder to tear ourselves away from our phones and Twitter feeds and games. The shift is simple but profound: When your partner talks, look up, pay attention, and actually turn towards them. Being heard is truly a gift.

2. Be kind as you travel the river together.

Kindness is felt in the space between your boats. Let your actions and behavior say: your well-being matters to me. Kindness is conveyed in unexpected gestures in the spur of the moment. Tie your boat to mine through these rough waters, and I’ll exert enough energy for both of us. Also, know what is not kind. Certain facial expressions (eyes narrowing), body language (hands on hips), snapping at your partner, or tone of voice (loud, angry) may be unintentional but nevertheless unkind, possibly making it harder for your partner to tune in and trust you.

3. Sweat the small stuff as you travel.

Caring comes from the heart. It’s the little moments that matter most. Caring is coffee brought in with a “good morning!” It is a favor done without being asked. Small gestures — a hand gently placed on an arm, a reassuring hug, or an affectionate peck on the cheek — can soothe wounds and calm the waters.

4. Be appreciative.

Don’t underestimate the power of “thank you.” When your partner, (metaphorically, speaking) offers to help you scrape the barnacles from your boat — for example, notices that you’re having a hard time and offers support — thank them for seeing you and caring. Of course, do the same for them.

5. Own your feelings when your boats collide.

Even the best relationships have challenges. To stay on the same river, you have to negotiate, compromise, or change course altogether. While it’s human to disagree, these are your feelings. Your partner is not “making” you feel them. Start sentences with “I,” instead of the accusatory “you.” Don’t make blanket generalizations (“You always/never….”) and don’t throw in the past, which cannot be changed.

6. Don’t try to steer your partner’s boat.

It’s not your job, no matter how rough or unpredictable the waters, no matter if their boat is spinning in circles or heading for the rapids, no matter if you believe you can do it “better.” You can’t. Your boats are differently equipped. If you rush in and try to rescue a floundering partner — even with the purest heart and good intentions — it isn’t necessarily what they need. By all means, be a good listener when they’re ready to talk, and give advice when asked. But at first, allow your partner the space to vent without intervention, to self-reflect, even to turn to someone else for support.

7. When your boats bump, look into the deep water below you.

When you find yourself uncomfortable or uneasy, row away from your partner for a bit. Ask yourself, What’s going on in my boat that needs tending? It might be the result of something taxing — an argument, a difficult task or encounter — that occurred earlier, depleted you, and is now spilling inappropriately into the present moment. It could also be something from your distant past. I lived through my parents’ divorce as a kid and still want to fix and rescue unless I remind myself that I’m no longer there. What sets you off? A tone of voice, a particular situation? Talking about money? Circumstances you can’t control? When you learn to identify your particular triggers, you’re less likely to deflect, blame, or shut down — all ineffective attempts to deal with strong emotions. Instead, give yourself time to reflect and recover.

If you can’t regulate your own emotional temperature, you’ll regulate everyone around you to keep yourself comfortable.

-David Schnarch

8. Become cooperating captains.

Share this article with your partner at a time when they are relaxed and able to listen. You’re in this together. You’re not there to instruct, just to engage as equal partners. The goal is for both of you to commit to being in separate boats and staying together. Promise each other that when one of you is unable or unwilling, you won’t give up. You’ll agree to disagree, if necessary. In short, you’ll do what it takes to nurture and better your relationship. If you need extra support, read Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage together. (All the better if your relationship is new and you’re not yet married!)

Daily reminder: I can only control MY boat.

Being part of a couple requires attention and daily maintenance. Your partner will inevitably do something different, make a choice you don’t like, or say something that surprises you — and not necessarily in a good way.

Staying in your own boat takes determination, self-awareness, and vigilance. I had a sign over my desk for many years to help me keep this idea in mind.

Feel free to copy, substitute your name, and post this reminder where you can see it every day.

Dear Melinda,

I don’t need your help today.

Love,

God

Author’s note: Sadly, Dr. Schnarch died in 2020. A short piece like this, which draws largely on his theory, doesn’t do justice to his work. Learn more about “differentiation-based sex and marital therapy” here. Check out his books here.

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