Why 4:00 A.M. is the Best/Worst Hour of the Day

The highs and lows of being a semi-insomniac — and where it all began.

I don’t think it would be a totally accurate diagnosis to describe myself as an insomniac — more like an insomniac wannabe. Yes, I do have disturbingly restless nights where I watch the digits on the clock track their long, slow march from midnight to the crack of dawn. But, I also have luxuriously restful nights of deep sleep that allows me to awaken refreshed and eager to face a brand new day. This has been my modus operandi for much of my adult life. It’s okay. I’m used to the system. I know how to work it to my best advantage. Fortunately, I’ve never been one of those insomniac types who turns into a zombie after a turbulent sleep, unable to function as a human the next day. When sleep fails me, as I know it occasionally will, I will soldier on, confident in the belief that my good friend “sleep” will find me once again.

At the extreme, I will classify myself as a semi-insomniac. I have made my peace with this side of myself. I don’t seek medical intervention. I definitely don’t resort to self-medication of any type. I’ve had plenty of time to analyze this aspect of my life. I’ve come to at least one significant conclusion about my sleepless nights -

4:00 A.M. is the best/worst hour of the day

4:00 A.M. is when my wide open eyes focus in on my energetic plans for the upcoming day. (This is my best case scenario) I get some of my best writing inspiration at this hour (occasionally I even have the foresight to grab a pen and jot down a few thoughts before they mystically fade from view). I recommit to my short list of inane, everyday tasks and goals (and some of the side issues they spawn) I hope to accomplish in the upcoming day —

• Laundry (how many people actually live here, anyway)
• Grocery shopping (make a list of ingredients to buy for homemade soup)
• Make a cauldron of homemade soup (plan to freeze for future meals)
• Consider cleaning out the freezer to make room for more stuff to freeze
• Take care of the garden (should I consider some sort of grub treatment?)
• Call my sister
• Call my dentist (why does that tooth continue to bother me?)
• Rearrange my closet (yeah, right, like that’s going to happen anywhere this side of the next millennium)
• Get started on that podcast and YouTube video I’ve been pondering since forever
• Need to watch a podcast and YouTube video to see how to go about creating one myself
• Make dinner plans with friends (is it our turn or their turn to pick a place?)

. . . And so it goes.

4:00 A.M. is also prime time for the demons to emerge from wherever they hang out when life is going along as it should. (This, of course, is the worst case scenario) On the demon-possessed 4:00 A.M. nights, my mind relives past, unalterable, events and conversations that play out endlessly, never to be resolved or laid to rest. Or, conversely, I plot my future revenge for transgressions I know will eventually come my way. Or, the most likely case, I deal with a range of free-floating anxieties.

• Memories of past loved ones who are gone (Why did he have to die so young?)
• Conversations that took place in a moment of anger (Why did I say that? Why did he say what he did? Why didn’t I say that when I had the chance? Just wait until I get the chance to tell her what I think!)
• What is this funny bump on my leg?
• What if I outlive my money? (Who will take care of me when I’m 96 years old?)
• What if I don’t live to be 96 years old? (I don’t want to die young — or old for that matter)
• How will I react when this, that or the other thing (specifics to be determined later) happens somewhere down the road?
• Why can’t I sleep tonight?
• Should I stop drinking coffee so I can sleep better? (I love coffee — I don’t want to stop)
• Should I stop drinking wine so I can sleep better? (I love wine — I don’t want to stop)
• What should be on the menu for Thanksgiving dinner?
• Where are we going for Thanksgiving dinner? (I may not even need to worry about a menu, but just in case . . .)
• Why can’t I turn my brain off at night?
• Why can’t I turn down the noise in my head during the day?

Hmmm . . . It looks to me like the demons of the night are winning the battle for supremacy in my 4:00 A.M. brain. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

There is nowhere my agitated brain won’t potentially go at 4:00 A.M.

• World political scene
• Climate change
• Future of space travel

All this and so much more is up for grabs.

You get the picture.

I learned to accept the crazy state of my personal sleep patterns for what they are long ago. I think it all started back when I was a child. My older brothers had to be awakened at 4:30 A.M. to deliver their morning paper route (back in the day when there was such a thing as a morning newspaper). My father was not a particularly quiet man; waking my brothers with a whisper just wasn’t in his nature. When that booming voice shook the house, everybody, and I do mean everybody, heard him. Being the curious person I have always been, I wasn’t about to miss anything, so I had no problem waking up at that hour. I think the idea of being awake basically in the middle of the night was pounded into me at an early age. These days, adult life consists of so many more layers than it did when I was a child. So much more to think about in the same 24 hours that each day holds. It’s only natural that I have steal hours away from a sound sleep every now and then to ponder the state of the universe and the conundrums of my own daily life. I accept the fact the 4:00 A.M. is now, and forever will be, the best/worst hour of the day.

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