When you’re stuck as friends with benefits
And you’re not sure how to get out…
by: E.B. Johnson
Are you stuck in a friend with benefits situation that is getting out of hand? It’s important to be aware of your feelings and honest about them every step of the way. If you aren’t satisfied anymore, or you’re feeling attached — it’s important to reassess and make some important decisions. Before relationships are wrecked and feelings get hurt, serious conversations have to be had and everyone has to face up to the reality of where the relationship is going.
Signs you’re not satisfied as FWB anymore.
Are you tiring of your friends-with-benefits (or FWB) relationship? Have your feelings dramatically changed? Are you wanting more than the other person can give you? There’s no escaping the reality of how you feel. Face up to the changes you’re dealing with and the signs that are all around you so that you and your lover can figure out what comes next.
One-sided satisfaction
Has your FWB relationship become totally one-sided? This happens when it becomes all about the other person. The “benefits” portion of your connection is always scheduled on their time and based on their desires. You get little (if any) satisfaction out of the relationship, and may even feel pressured to keep showing up even though you don’t want to.
Zero friendship
It’s important to be aware of the damage that can be done to our friendships when building a FWB connection. Is your friendly connection getting damaged by the time you spend together in the bedroom? Be honest. Sometimes, this reversal is worthwhile — but many times it’s not. Are you willing to lose your friendship to satisfy your physical needs? Good friends are scarce these days.
Lack of comfort
When we feel uncomfortable with our FWB setup, it’s time to take a step back. No sexual relationship should ever make us feel uncomfortable…and neither should our friendships. If there’s a lack of comfort, immediately hit the brakes. What is making you feel uncomfortable? Do you feel safe speaking up? Don’t allow yourself to fall into a dangerous place.
Increasing jealousy
Do you find that you (or your friend) are getting jealous of the other relationships that you have? Maybe they’ve started talking to a new potential love interest and you’re green with envy. Have they shown their green feathers by getting ruffled when you show interest in someone else? Jealousy is a natural emotion when you’re feeling attached to someone.
Developing feelings
There’s no ignoring the truth when emotions are involved. Have you developed deeper emotional attachments for your friend? Are you seeing a future where they are a little more than your friend? It’s okay to want a bigger commitment, but you can’t expect it. Sometimes our FWB relationship is only meant to stay superficial.
Growing divides
When we first engage in a FWB relationship, things are exciting and new. Those bonds can change over time, though, and they can change the way we see one another. Are you finding that you and your friend like one another less and less? Maybe you’re noticing emotional or ideological divides that you just can’t get over. You can’t ignore these splits. Confront them or move on.
What you have to do about it.
Wake yourself up. It’s time to take off the rose-tinted glasses and fess up about how you really feel. When you’re ready, speak up and speak out. Open up to someone you can trust and accept your truths for what they are. Have a serious conversation with your partner and let them know how things have changed. Then you can give yourselves space and recommit to what you really want — even if that doesn’t include a future together.
1. Take off your rose-tinted glasses
We want to see the best in the people that we like and love. That includes our intimate partners, even if there’s no serious romantic commitment. We can’t always afford to automatically expect the best, though. That’s not how people work. We are endlessly complicated. Both parts good and bad, we have to take off our rose-tinted glasses and be honest about what’s going on in our FWB relationship.
Take off your rose-tinted glasses and accept your new feelings or your new outlook. You have a right to feel a strong sense of connection or attachment. It’s okay to want to move on if you feel nothing at all. Any authentic reaction or emotion you have is valid. But you have to accept these things to work with them.
Living in a fantasy is doing no one any favors. If your friend has expressed no interest in a proper relationship — that won’t change by simply getting more intimate with them. Be a realist. Know when enough is not enough. Admit when you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t have the ability to take things to the next level with you. Some people are just friends. Even if we have a physical attraction to them, the emotional bond never goes deeper than that. Don’t confuse physical passion for real and genuine desire to build a life together.
2. Speak up (to someone you trust)
Don’t think that you have to carry the burden and heartache of your troubles alone. You don’t. There are people out there who love you and who want to support you. That’s why it’s a good idea to open up to someone else outside of the relationship. When we share what’s going on with someone we really love and trust, they can help us realize different perspectives and different aspects of what’s going on in our FWB partnership.
Open up and speak up to someone that you trust. Look for someone who is removed enough from both you and your friend to be candid and honest. Tell them how you’re feeling and ask them for their advice. Listen to them and allow them to give you a different way of seeing the situation.
We can’t always really see what’s going on with our intimate relationships because of how close we are to the chaos. That’s why opening up to someone else can be helpful. They can give us insight which allows us to better illuminate our own feelings. Get in touch with someone who means a lot to you; someone who wants the best for you, even if it’s hard to hear. Make sense of your situation by talking it out.
3. Have a serious conversation
Once you have a more honest handle on how you’re feeling, sit your friend down for a frank conversation. There’s no “ignoring” what’s going on. If it’s not resolved, you risk ending things in a show of sparks and disappointment. If you want any hope of conserving your friendship, or moving on without chaos, then you have to sit down with your friend and talk everything out. Lay it all out on the table so that you can decide what comes next.
Sit your friend down and have an honest conversation. If you need to, write down your points ahead of time. Look for a place where you can both speak openly without being interrupted. Pick your timing and try to keep things casual and comfortable.
Don’t beat around the bush. Tell your friend how you’re feeling, or how you believe things are changing. Make sure you avoid stating things like they’re fact. Focus on your own emotions and don’t make any assumptions about their feelings toward you or what they want for their lives. Speak candidly. Say how you feel and then make room for your friend to do the same. Ask each other questions. Where do you want things to go? Are you willing to commit to something a little more serious (even if it risks your friendship)?
4. Give yourselves some space
More often than not, we find that our FWB relationships don’t have a lot of longevity. One person gets attached and the other person doesn’t. The other person opens up and they both realize that they don’t have that much in common sexually. If you and your friend have realized that it will not work out, then you need to take a beat and take some space to sort out your emotions and detach in a calm and mindful manner.
Give yourselves some space to sort out your emotions and detach. You don’t have to end your friendship, but you should give yourselves some time to process and decouple your emotions (if that’s what you decide to do). Take a beat. Stop hanging out for a little while — especially if it’s in a one-on-one setting.
Deciding to end the “benefits” side of your relationship may be a wise choice, but it’s important not to rush your emotions. You both need to decompress and sort out the reality of your situation. Go inward. Convince yourself that it’s time to let go and start untangling to complicated emotions that you got caught up in. Make a list of pros and cons. What will happen if you hold on? Is it worth compromising your friendship? If not, what steps can you take to redirect your feelings in a more positive direction.
5. Figure out what you really want
If you weren’t satisfied with your FWB connection, then part of your healing and recovery process has to include figuring out what you really want. Maybe you’re not cut out for this type of casual sexual relationship. Perhaps your intimacy comes with more of a commitment. That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with wanting what you want, or needing what you need from an intimate and romantic relationship.
Above and beyond everything else, you need to figure out what you really want. What made you fall for someone who was emotionally unavailable? Are you settling? What does your ideal partnership actually look and feel like? These answers are all a part of the moving on process.
Pinpointing what we really want is also integral in helping us to sever those deeper emotional ties. As you dig more into what your genuine needs are, you come to realize everything you may not be getting in your FWB relationship. Hold on to those realizations. They are some of the biggest catalysts in helping us to redirect our emotions positively, so that we can put our friendships back in the friendship box.
Putting it all together…
Have you gotten stuck in a friends-with-benefits relationship that is leaving you frustrated? Maybe you want more than the other person can give. Maybe they’re asking for commitments you’re unsure about giving. No matter how things have changed, be upfront about it. The only way to get resolution is to be honest with one another and yourselves.
Take off your rose-tinted glasses and fess up to your shifting feelings. Have things moved outside the realm of no-strings-attached sex? Be honest with yourself so that you can be honest with your partner. Talk your feelings out with someone you can trust. Other people can be important in helping us to uncover the truth. Once you’re ready, sit your friend down and have an honest conversation about your changing feelings and connection. Be candid and allow them to do the same. Afterward, give yourselves some space to process and detach mindfully. Your friendship doesn’t have to end, but you do need to give yourselves some distance to heal and process. Focus on figuring out what you really want from love and getting the person who is ready and willing to give you that openly.
