When Your Husband Helps You With Boyfriend Troubles
Polyamory means never having to navigate a rough patch in a relationship alone
My partner Nat lives on the opposite side of the country from where my husband James and I now live. I haven’t seen Nat in person for quite a while, but despite the distance, we make it work — most of the time. But when we’ve had a fight, or aren’t getting along, I know that I can always count on my husband James to help me get through it.
All relationships go through rough patches and staying together long distance only compounds that. Add to this the fact that Nat and I are completely different in a lot of fundamental ways, and you’ve got a recipe for discord to sometimes appear.
We now live in a different state than Nathaniel which means we don’t get to see each other very often anymore. That puts communication at a premium, but Nat also has his own primary partner as well as a very demanding job. His communication style is very, very different from mine. I’m bubbly and effusive and write long notes. He’s shyer, more reserved and also more concise. I wear my heart on my sleeve and tell the people I care about how I feel about them often. Nat tells me very rarely how he feels, in part because he expects me to remember that he’s already told me and he confirms that nothing has changed by the way he shows up and is always there for me. He’s a doer and not a sayer.
Yesterday it was our 4th anniversary — something that I didn’t make a big deal about but did want to commemorate. He’s been stressed and busy lately and in his quick note that replied to mine, he completely ignored that I’d brought it up. This wouldn’t have been so egregious, except he did the same thing last year. It’s times like these where little green monsters of insecurity come and sit on my head. Is this too hard? Is he losing interest? What is he trying to tell me by repeatedly ignoring this day that feels really special and important to me? Isn’t it special to him too?
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened and it probably won’t be the last. Fortunately for me, I can turn to my husband James. I can use him as a sounding board and ask for his advice and he never fails to be comforting. He’s protective of me and doesn’t like to think of anyone hurting my feelings, but he also knows that Nat is a good guy and that he and I have a really special connection that most of the time brings me a lot of joy and pleasure.
It’s a really exceptional thing to have your husband talk you through relationship troubles with someone else. It speaks to a depth of mature love that isn’t run of the mill, and it’s also one of the most wonderful sides of polyamory. You don’t have to go through a hard time or a break up all alone. It’s not that friends or family aren’t appreciated and helpful in these kinds of situations, but there is something remarkable and unique about having your love support you during relationship troubles with someone else.
James encouraged me to be frank and honest with Nat about how all this made me feel, but he was also very happy for me when the heartfelt apology came in. Compersion isn’t just about enjoying your partner having sexual pleasure, even when you are not involved in it. It’s also the idea that if you love someone, you want whatever makes them happy.
Nat is my Twin Flame, a type of cosmic love connection that has some really magical qualities but also some really challenging ones.
It’s common for Twin Flames to move in and out of each other’s lives because it’s such an intense relationship that it’s tough to maintain. Not only is the connection intense, but the main purpose of your Twin Flame is to show you the places within yourself that need to heal. It’s not an easy relationship although it is wonderful in many ways.
Apparently, one of my places that still needs some healing is around trusting in love, even when it’s not always presented in the way that feels optimal to me. But it’s also in continuing to speak up for what I want and to let the other person know if something isn’t working well for me. What’s the line between not sublimating your authentic needs and not indulging your fears and ego? That’s a continuing question, but I appreciate the chance to keep exploring that line more fully and to have the support of more than one beloved to help me as I do it.
