James, Nat and Me
Sacred Sexual Connection and The Wide Variety of Polyamory Possibilities
If you’ve read anything of mine before, you may have heard me refer to Nat, my other life partner. James and I live together, have a son, a house, and a long-standing partnership, but I’m also in a committed relationship with Nat. We are a Vee. In other words, James and Nat are not in an emotional or physical relationship with each other, although they consider each other like a kind of extended family. What makes this more complex, and is one of the reasons that I’m writing about it, is that we currently live on the other side of the country from Nat and haven’t been physically in proximity for a long time.
Besides the confusion around how one goes about having two life partners, particularly if you live with one of them and only see the other one with him present, is the additional complexity of one of those relationships being long-distance. And then there’s the sacred sexuality element, which I haven’t talked about much so far. It’s not at all run of the mill.
Frankly, there are a lot of things that are atypical about this relationship and so I’m writing this to help my friends and readers better understand what I’m talking about. Polyamory in our lives started with Nat, although he wasn’t the first person outside our marriage that we had sex with. However, it was the urge to look for him that kicked everything off. I felt as though we were called to go and find Nat. We just didn’t know that at first. We thought we were looking for a sexual partner and that my urge was purely about greater self expression and sexual liberty, but as things unfolded it became clear that we weren’t looking for just some man; we were looking for that particular man. When we were together there was “a true desire, a vibration felt in and through all things and experienced as a unifying force.” It was quite a magical thing which I’ve written about some in Bacchanalia, and in some of my other MFM erotica. Perhaps I will write about it more thoroughly at some future point.
When most people hear the term polyamory I think they tend to imagine established or cohabitating couples who each have other separate love interests or solo people who have more than one on-going relationship. Although this is a pretty common way to go about non-monogomy, it’s far from the only way. In fact, the ways to do non-monogamy are probably as many and varied as the people who enter into those kinds of relationships.
One of the upsides (which is also a downside) is that there are no pre-established rules. Every relationship has to be talked about and negotiated with every other person in the relationship. This can get complicated and messy, particularly if one or more of the people involved is not being completely open and honest. But for the most part, poly people value honesty and communication and with this lifestyle you essentially get to chart your own course and make your own way; however many yous there are in the relationship or polycule.
James and I met Nat a few years back, in the midst of a very connected and sexually adventurous phase in our relationship, when we decided we wanted to invite a third person into our bed. We thought this was meant to be a purely sexual thing, and although we first went looking for a man to add in, the understanding was that we’d also find a woman to play with. For more details about how this came about read Anatomy of a Threeway, Part 1: All About MFM.
We didn’t anticipate that we would meet someone with whom I’d have an instantaneous deep connection, although that is one of the hazards of all polyamory — you can’t legislate or control emotions. When James and I had decided to open things up, we’d agreed that we would never see other people separately, and we never have. Some people are fine with their primary relationship (if they even have one, some people don’t) going off alone; some people actually enjoy the thought of their mate off on a date with someone else, but for us, we decided not to do that. It was, in part, a way to manage potential jealousy, but also that the initial point of this endeavor was to expand our sexual horizons as a couple, and it most certainly has done that! We didn’t feel the need to change that even as my relationship with Nat deepened and we better understood the nature of our connection as a triad.
Nat has his own primary relationship and children as well, but we bonded almost instantaneously and quickly began a very hot and heavy thing. James and I also continued to see a woman and a couple during this same time, as well as some occasional casual encounters. One of the positives of polyamorous life is that you are able to have a variety of sexual and/or emotional relationships going at once.
Even though we only ever got together with Nat as a couple, I continued to communicate with him separately and to build our relationship. After 20+ years of monogamy, this took a little getting used to for James, but we were always open and honest about what was taking place and I’d often share the conversations that Nat and I had had to help him feel in the loop. They have rarely communicated directly without me, although on a couple of occasions they have. In fact, I’ve often joked that they have more in common with each other than I do with either of them, and they do like each other quite a bit, which is a part of why this works. If they disliked each other or were indifferent, it definitely would be more difficult, but the three of us definitely have a bond, despite the fact that I am the pivot of the Vee.
James also truly enjoys the times that we’ve had sex even though he and Nat are not physically intimate. Needless to say, Nat has really enjoyed it too. He was specifically looking for a couple to play with when we met him. As I’ve said just about any place that it’s topical to say so, MFM is super hot, really fun for all involved and any men who are squeamish about it should definitely reconsider. A lot of guys just won’t do this and they are definitely missing out. A well attended to woman who is out of her usual sexual roles is likely to be a very enthusiastic and adventurous lover, and the men in question will most definitely benefit from that. When you add in the emotional and spiritual components of a sacred sexuality connection, it’s all intensified even more. We used to leave our dates completely high from nothing more than the time together.
That being said, James told me that whenever I would leave the room the two of them would tend to scrutinize the ceiling. Two naked straight guys sitting on the opposite side of a bed is just enough out of the ordinary that this seemed the prudent thing to do, I guess. Otherwise, there was no shyness or discomfort. When I was present, they were focused on me, just as I was focused on both of them. Nat respected my relationship with James and as my relationship with Nat developed, James also respected that. Most of all, they both respected me and my ability to make these kinds of choices in my life.
On one of those out-of-the-room trips I couldn’t help laughing hysterically after catching a look at myself in the mirror. Our vigorous activities had left my short hair sticking pretty much straight up and it was too ridiculous to not just bust out laughing. Of course, James knew exactly why I was laughing and took his eyes off the ceiling long enough to explain it to Nat. Although they too had a laugh, apparently neither guy particular cared in that moment that I looked kind of like the Heat Miser in the hair department. We were in the midst of a primal rite. It’s no wonder my hair reflected that.
We all have busy lives, as well as our own families and schedules to contend with, so we’d only get together every month or so. However, Nat and I talked nearly every day and my relationship with him continued to strengthen and develop. We broke up for a couple of months early on just because it was both very intense and also very frustrating to not be able to be together more often when we felt so drawn to each other. When there are no inherent rules, you get to make your own, but there is also no roadmap about how to make things work and you have to navigate this uncharted territory all on your own, which can be stressful. Ultimately, the pull to be together, despite the obstacles was stronger. We realized that we had a real love and a deep commitment and we cobbled it back together. That too took some time to really smooth out, particularly since we moved away in the middle of it. I miss Nat a lot, but it works. He’s an integral part of my life and as important to me as James is, albeit in a very different way and with very different roles. The special, sacred nature of the relationship continues even if the sexual part is not in play right now.
We tried to get together with Nat the last time we were back that way, and circumstances just didn’t allow for it. Plans fell through at the last minute. It was unbelievably dissapointing but also pointed out to us that perhaps this needed to be a more emotional and energetic connection for the time being. At some point, when our children are older, maybe it will make sense to start trying to get together again, although I can’t imagine how hard it would be to repeatedly have to say goodbye. The last time was like cutting off a limb, and so perhaps it’s better to just leave it as it is. In any case, it seem to be where the Universe is leading us for now, and having accepted that, it becomes easier to deal with.
I have plenty of family members whom I rarely, if ever, see in person and they are no less a part of my family because of that. The same goes for Nat. He is my life partner, through thick and thin, just as James is. The fact that this is a highly atypical arrangement doesn’t make it any less valid — it’s just different.
As Polyamory School has said, “I can have a deep relationship and just occasional sexual contact. And I can have wild and crazy sex without wondering when they’ll tell me that they love me. I don’t have to wait for a perfect combination, and also hope I’m their ideal combination.
Just as love doesn’t require marriage, relationships don’t need sex. They can coexist as their own entities.”
James and I currently have a loving sexual relationship with Tamara, a woman who lives near us, and we see other people more casually from time to time. Nat barely has time for his existing life and is not seeing anyone else. There really is no one way to do polyamory, and there is no way to anticipate when you might come across a connection that defies the usual paradigms. It’s whatever works and brings you joy and as strange as that may seem to someone on the outside, this life totally works for us!
