Needed or Needy?

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Abstract

is own wounds and insecurities. This is not to say that there is anything necessarily wrong about monogamy, but to believe it’s the only correct way for everyone to be in relationships isn’t really helpful or true. James thought he needed me to say that I loved him more than Nathaniel; he thought he needed to hear about every conversation that Nat and I had. There were a bunch of things that he thought he needed in order to be able to accept this relationship but he eventually discovered that he didn’t need most of them at all.</p><p id="02cf" type="7">And then there’s me — I had a long list of things that I thought I needed from someone whom I consider my other life partner. Things that I might give a friend or a more casual lover a pass on, but that I considered necessary from someone with that degree of intimacy.</p><p id="b69e">We now live in a different state than Nathaniel which means we don’t get to see each other very often anymore. That puts communication at a premium, but Nat also has his own primary partner as well as a very demanding job. His communication style is very, very different from mine. I’m bubbly and effusive and write long notes. He’s shyer, more reserved and also more concise. I wear my heart on my sleeve and tell the people I care about how I feel about them often. Nat tells me very rarely how he feels, in part because he expects me to remember that he’s already told me and he confirms that nothing has changed by the way he shows up and is always there for me. He’s a doer and not a sayer.</p><p id="31ed">We are crazy for each other and deeply committed to each other, but the fact of the matter is, this relationship has had a lot of challenges, and not just because of the distance and the other partners. We are just alike in a few keys ways and in all the rest, we are complete opposites. We’ve gone through some strained periods where we just weren’t sure if we could make this work, mostly due to what I thought I needed from a partner.</p><div id="1147" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-twin-flame-8b4dc600d19b"> <div> <div> <h2>My Twin Flame</h2> <div><h3>Lessons In Love and Longing</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*TJPEKOSakvtgABfd0ghK1A.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="3d2c">A few months ago it was Nat’s birthday but I only sent a short and funny note because I knew that his other partner had been ill and that things were busy at work. Still, I got completely bent out of shape when he didn’t respond to acknowledge my birthday wishes. “Who does that? What kind of partner would just ignore that?” I was starting to have more and more of these kinds of conversations with myself in my head and it was making me really unhappy. Then I had the realization that the problem was

Options

that I had certain expectations from a partner and that this was actually what was causing the pain.</p><p id="b671">Should I have expectations around a life partner? Of course; I expect him to love and respect me, but what I finally realized is that I also was holding a lot of expectations about how he demonstrated that love and respect. I wanted him to show me in the way that feels best to me; rather than tuning into all the ways that he shows me in the ways that feel best to him. I grew up saying “thank you” for every little thing, but I finally got that for some people that level of “politeness” is considered almost superficial when the deep feelings are already established. In fact, the deeper Nathaniel feels about something, the less likely he is to be able to talk about it. Plus, I think he was just back-to-back busy that day.</p><p id="0c5e">And when I stopped referring to him so much as my partner and just let him be the lovely man with whom I have a lovely relationship, suddenly it was easier to stop focusing on what I didn’t have and to really notice fully all that I do have. It was like a whole new world opened up and I got really clear about all the examples I have of just how loving and committed Nat really is, even though he doesn’t always communicate it in the way that I’d prefer.</p><p id="d1b3">Does James need to be married to a woman who doesn’t love anyone else? He thought he did, but it was in part because other people had told him that was what he should need. I always told him that if he really looked inside and did the work to clear away the stories in play, that if he found he really couldn’t live like this that then we’d talk about options. But when he did honestly look, what he ended up finding was that he could be just fine with it.</p><p id="8818">We don’t live like other people on a variety of levels and this is just one of them. Plus, when I’m happy and fulfilled and not being asked to disavow something that’s very important to me, I am able to be a more connected and loving partner to him. And what I discovered for me is really just another flavor of the same thing. Healthy relationships do require good boundaries as well as respect and affection, but when you really take a hard look at what you think you need, you just might discover that at least some of that is just your own insecurities and stories and wounds, all of which are really yours to own and work through.</p><div id="885e" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/james-nat-and-me-5cd816ea2deb"> <div> <div> <h2>James, Nat and Me</h2> <div><h3>Sacred Sexual Connection and The Wide Variety of Polyamory Possibilities</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*nvtMEWOI90oL9-KMFGBz_A.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Needed or Needy?

I’ve been seeing a fair amount around Medium lately about the healthiness or not of needing (or thinking you need) certain things from a partner. I do believe that we all have some base criteria for any kind of close relationship, but I also recently realized that maybe the line isn’t always entirely where we suppose it is. Being in a non-monogamous relationship actually helped me figure that out and get clearer about where my actual needs really did lie.

First, the background: I’m in love with someone in addition to my husband, James. Nathaniel is actually the reason that we decided to open up our marriage. Not because I fell in love with him and then asked for that — that would have been too straightforward and run of the mill (someone needs to invent a font that indicates irony). After years and years of being pretty darn happy together with James, I just started getting a yen to bring another man into our lives; well, really I thought it was just into our bed, but it was actually more than that, although I didn’t know that at the time. James and I were going through an adventurous period in our own sex lives and frankly, going at it like rabbits.

Trying new things was making us really hot for each other and so when I got the inclination that I really wanted another guy in the mix, it didn’t seem that unusual.

James readily agreed, as long as we could see a woman sometime soon as well. I’d never been with a woman before, but I’ll try most things at least once, so I said sure, but that’s a story for another day.

It took us a while to find a guy- the guy, but once we did, there was an immediate deep connection, even before we’d ever gotten together. It didn’t take long before Nathaniel and I realized that we were in love, but it wasn’t so much that we fell in love as we somehow reconnected with someone that we already loved. That’s a story for another day as well, but even as we were all navigating those unexpected emotions, we realized that we were more than just lovers — we were significant others of the partner variety and I started thinking of him that way — as my other life partner.

It did take a while (a long while, actually) before James was truly willing to accept that as being the case, but eventually, he did. Initially, he was all for new sex partners, but for me to have another emotional partner, and one who I considered as essentially my other husband, was not so easy to swallow. Old monogamy programming was in play, as were some of his own wounds and insecurities. This is not to say that there is anything necessarily wrong about monogamy, but to believe it’s the only correct way for everyone to be in relationships isn’t really helpful or true. James thought he needed me to say that I loved him more than Nathaniel; he thought he needed to hear about every conversation that Nat and I had. There were a bunch of things that he thought he needed in order to be able to accept this relationship but he eventually discovered that he didn’t need most of them at all.

And then there’s me — I had a long list of things that I thought I needed from someone whom I consider my other life partner. Things that I might give a friend or a more casual lover a pass on, but that I considered necessary from someone with that degree of intimacy.

We now live in a different state than Nathaniel which means we don’t get to see each other very often anymore. That puts communication at a premium, but Nat also has his own primary partner as well as a very demanding job. His communication style is very, very different from mine. I’m bubbly and effusive and write long notes. He’s shyer, more reserved and also more concise. I wear my heart on my sleeve and tell the people I care about how I feel about them often. Nat tells me very rarely how he feels, in part because he expects me to remember that he’s already told me and he confirms that nothing has changed by the way he shows up and is always there for me. He’s a doer and not a sayer.

We are crazy for each other and deeply committed to each other, but the fact of the matter is, this relationship has had a lot of challenges, and not just because of the distance and the other partners. We are just alike in a few keys ways and in all the rest, we are complete opposites. We’ve gone through some strained periods where we just weren’t sure if we could make this work, mostly due to what I thought I needed from a partner.

A few months ago it was Nat’s birthday but I only sent a short and funny note because I knew that his other partner had been ill and that things were busy at work. Still, I got completely bent out of shape when he didn’t respond to acknowledge my birthday wishes. “Who does that? What kind of partner would just ignore that?” I was starting to have more and more of these kinds of conversations with myself in my head and it was making me really unhappy. Then I had the realization that the problem was that I had certain expectations from a partner and that this was actually what was causing the pain.

Should I have expectations around a life partner? Of course; I expect him to love and respect me, but what I finally realized is that I also was holding a lot of expectations about how he demonstrated that love and respect. I wanted him to show me in the way that feels best to me; rather than tuning into all the ways that he shows me in the ways that feel best to him. I grew up saying “thank you” for every little thing, but I finally got that for some people that level of “politeness” is considered almost superficial when the deep feelings are already established. In fact, the deeper Nathaniel feels about something, the less likely he is to be able to talk about it. Plus, I think he was just back-to-back busy that day.

And when I stopped referring to him so much as my partner and just let him be the lovely man with whom I have a lovely relationship, suddenly it was easier to stop focusing on what I didn’t have and to really notice fully all that I do have. It was like a whole new world opened up and I got really clear about all the examples I have of just how loving and committed Nat really is, even though he doesn’t always communicate it in the way that I’d prefer.

Does James need to be married to a woman who doesn’t love anyone else? He thought he did, but it was in part because other people had told him that was what he should need. I always told him that if he really looked inside and did the work to clear away the stories in play, that if he found he really couldn’t live like this that then we’d talk about options. But when he did honestly look, what he ended up finding was that he could be just fine with it.

We don’t live like other people on a variety of levels and this is just one of them. Plus, when I’m happy and fulfilled and not being asked to disavow something that’s very important to me, I am able to be a more connected and loving partner to him. And what I discovered for me is really just another flavor of the same thing. Healthy relationships do require good boundaries as well as respect and affection, but when you really take a hard look at what you think you need, you just might discover that at least some of that is just your own insecurities and stories and wounds, all of which are really yours to own and work through.