avatarSrini

Summary

The author reflects on the social dynamics and personal strategies of using elevator buttons, particularly in response to pressure from others to hold the door.

Abstract

The article "Performance Under Pressure" humorously delves into the etiquette and mechanics of elevator usage. The author shares a personal anecdote about failing to hold an elevator door for an elderly woman, leading to a reflection on the societal expectations and practical challenges of navigating elevator interactions. The narrative explores the frustration of not finding the open door button in time and the subsequent encounter with the same woman, who seemingly retaliates by not holding the elevator for the author. This experience prompts the author to adopt a new approach to avoid such situations: turning away from the door and wearing noise-cancelling headphones to remain oblivious to external pleas. The author also suggests a design improvement for elevators, proposing that buttons should be placed on the backside to alleviate the pressure of the five-second window. The article concludes with the author asserting their non-confrontational stance, despite the comedic suggestion that ignoring others in the elevator might be perceived as being inconsiderate.

Opinions

  • The author initially considers themselves efficient but not a "dick" for adhering to a personal rule of not pressing the close door button.
  • There is a sense of irony and self-deprecation in the author's failure to find and press the open door button when needed.
  • The author feels unfairly judged as impolite for not holding the elevator door, despite the practical difficulty of doing so.
  • The author perceives the expectation to hold the elevator door as an unnecessary societal pressure.
  • The author's proposed solution to face away from the door and use noise-cancelling headphones is a tongue-in-cheek response to the social dilemma.
  • The author criticizes the current design of elevator buttons, suggesting that a redesign could improve user experience under time pressure.
  • The author ultimately defends their character, insisting they are not rude but rather mildly incompetent under pressure.

PERFORMANCE UNDER PRESSURE

What We All Should Be Doing In An Elevator

I’m not a dick. I’m the polar opposite of a dick

Photo by cottonbro studio from Pexels

I used to get into an elevator and press the button of the floor number I go to and wait five seconds until the elevator door closes automatically — like a normal boring human being. I never pressed the close door button because I can wait five seconds.

What am I going to do in five seconds? Save the planet from climate change? Why do I have to spend my energy searching for the button among numerous buttons and then press it? I just look for my floor number button and press it. Boring but efficient!

Recently my failproof elevator method faced a crisis in a shopping mall. In the five-second window of the elevator door closing, there was an old woman outside, waving at me to stop the door from closing.

Pressing the open door button when the door is closing is against my rules. I never find it easy to find where that button is anyway. There are too many buttons. Yet, being the selfless guy I am, I searched for the open door button, which was also against my rules. I had just made up a new rule that old women could be an exception. Again, selfless. But five seconds were up. I couldn’t find the button. That button didn’t exist. The door shockingly closed. She made a face.

How am I the asshole here? Why can’t the woman wait five minutes for my elevator to come back to her after dropping me off? She’s not going to save the planet from climate change in those five minutes.

Five hours later, I saw the same woman again, standing inside the elevator. This time, I was on the receiving end — outside the elevator.

I raced toward her and waved at her to stop the elevator door from closing. She didn’t. She saw me. Was it deliberate? I saw her reaching for the button. Was it a fake reach? What if she genuinely couldn’t find the open door button? I would understand if that was the reason. Or was she too slow to press the open door button? I would understand that as well. Everyone considers the age factor.

What if she was taking revenge on me when I was not in the wrong in the first place? Isn’t she the asshole here?

It got me thinking — why do we have to get in the elevator, press the floor number, and wait for the door to close even if we somehow successfully manage to find the close door button and press it while facing toward the elevator door? Why are we facing the door?

We don’t really want people to come with us. We don’t want to look at them while they run and wave at us. We can’t always find the open door button even if we wholeheartedly want to open the door for them. It’s not like we’re leaving them outside while a bunch of zombies is chasing them.

The five-second window is too short for me to find something utterly missing. I never perform well under pressure. How am I a dick for even trying?

I’m not a dick. I’m the polar opposite of a dick. I’m just mildly incompetent, especially under pressure. Last night, after drinking eleven cups of chamomile green tea in an hour, I know exactly what I have to do without being labeled as a dick in this cruel society. I know what we all should be doing in an elevator to avoid unnecessary drama.

Get this — I’ll get into an elevator, press the floor number I go to, and turn around — 180 degrees — until the elevator moves — 110%. I won’t know who’s waving at me to stop the elevator door from closing. I won’t see them. They can’t see me. They can’t make a face. They can scream at me. I’ll be wearing my AirPods Pro — with noise cancellation mode activated. Boring but efficient!

If they can make it in the five-second window, good for them. If they can’t, good for zombies. Also, elevator manufacturers should find a way to put the buttons on the backside for our convenience. Interesting and efficient!

Who’s a dick now?

I’ll tell you who — a dick with no face!!

Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Srini

A special thanks to Andrew Rodwin for his meticulous editing and his additional jokes.

Falling in love with Srini? Read these to find out if he’s truly capable of finding and pressing the open door button for you under pressure:

Brand art courtesy of David Todd McCarty
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