TEACH THEM FRENCH

What to Expect When You Are Expecting Your First Baby

You shall not be allowed to scream and/or cry

Your first baby has got to have a name. There are no two ways about this. His/her name tells the world what kind of parent are you for the rest of their life. You’ve got to give it hourly thought for at least seventeen years before you choose to get pregnant. This is fair since it’s the most important decision you’ll ever make for your baby and for yourself.

Do you like Jerry Seinfeld? Don’t name your baby Jerry. Do you hate Donald Trump? Don’t name your baby Donald or Trump — or any of the names that have any of those eleven letters in Donald Trump. Do you love Srini? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

This is NOT about you. This is about your baby. Don’t break your baby’s tiny heart before they're even three days past. Think scrupulously about what name will make your baby proud of themselves in the next four decades. Who will be the most popular celebrity?

You cannot go wrong with Lady Gaga or Lorde in the next eleven decades — for both boys and girls. You’ve got to be absolutely futuristic. Forget creativity. Every name has been named anyway — six decades ago.

What about Taylor Swift? Not even Taylor likes her name. Not because it’s gender-neutral. What about Ye — formerly known as Kanye West? Nay! Ye likes his name too much. Because it’s gender-neutral. I’ve said enough on this.

Have you thought about the first murder mystery book your baby is going to read? Didn’t think so. Don’t make them read Harry Potter first — unless you want to turn them into a boring fantasy nerd. Don't go for Hercule Poirot — unless you and/or your spouse are fluent in French.

You’ve got to find a way to teach them French — just to make them use baguette and Hercule Poirot properly at least fourteen times in everyday conversation — if you want your baby to be accepted in society, unlike you.

Where do you want their first shootout? Which school is your kid going to study at? You aren’t very bright, are you? What kind of guns do you want your kids to carry to school? Rifle, shotgun, or pistol? Purely for self-defense. You have to teach them how to axe-throw. Purely for self-offense. Axe throwing never goes out of style. Ask the Harvard douchebags.

At what age will be your child’s first threesome? Under 13 or 14? When will be his/her second foursome? Do you even want kids? How many months do you intend to carry this baby all by yourself in your belly? Do you even want to carry them?

Baby is all you need to think about — before birth, during birth, after birth and after death — your death. Your life begins now, not just the baby’s. Have you ordered all the books about what to do when the baby cries? What do you do when your baby doesn’t cry? Do babies ever forget to cry? Do babies pretend like they forget to cry? Order all the books right now — in English — unless you’re trying to learn French — then French.

You shall not be allowed to scream and/or cry. Your baby will do that for you — all day long.

There’s a whole announcement that’s got to go out. Your neighbors will say, “Who isn’t having a baby these days? Everyone’s having a baby!” Show them your middle finger — both hands. If your nephew Nate commented the same thing on Facebook, reply to him with eight middle finger emojis. You don’t want negativity in your life, not when your baby is around. Negativity is more contagious than Covid and there’s not even a vaccine for it.

You’ll love your baby unconditionally, despite people looking at them, implying “WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS BABY?”

Some people will say, “Awww! Your baby is adorable! You must be so proud of your achievement!” How condescending! You have got to learn axe-throwing before your kid does. It will come in handy.

Babies will be the best excuse to get out of your neighbor's party you don't want to be at in the first place. You’ll tell them your baby is so sick. The party hosts will eventually let you go, only because you’re crying. When you go home, you’ll find your baby crying and sick for real.

You’ll realize how much happiness your one-month-old baby is actually costing you or what’s left of it. There’s an enormous chance that it will destroy your already ruined relationship. In hindsight, it will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

People will say, “When’s the next one coming?!” Show them your middle finger — both hands. If your cousin Greg comments that on Instagram under a picture of your cute baby sitting on top of the Christmas tree, reply to him with eighteen middle finger emojis.

You’ll do it all over again for your second baby and fifth baby — like they’re your first baby. When you have your sixth baby, name him/her— Hercule Poirot — which is gender-neutral.

Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Srini

A special thanks to Stephanie Wilson for taking care of this piece like it’s a newborn baby.

Falling in love with Srini? Read these to find out if he can ever parent a kid: