EMMA STONE WITHOUT MAKEUP
The Girl of My Dreams
My dream girl would force me to watch porn every night
My dream girl would make me want to cook for her every day thrice but not ever actually let me cook. She would understand that I suck at cooking, no matter how many times I try to dress and talk like Gordon Ramsay while cooking.
She would also know that I love eating Italian and Mexican — without contributing anything in the kitchen, or 485 square feet outside of the kitchen. She would refer to me as Mr. Versatile whenever she talks to her friends about me — without sounding sarcastic.
My dream girl would force me to watch porn every night even when I sincerely beg her not to. She would know that watching porn makes me sleep like a baby within ninety-five seconds after playing any porn category — unless it is gangbang, for which I stay awake for a maximum of a hundred and two seconds.
She would tell me watching porn consistently does not mean I’m cheating on her and that porn is the polar opposite of cheating. She would also finish the entire video after I fall asleep to wholeheartedly support the porn industry.
My dream girl would never let me watch any episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm before I go to sleep even when I sincerely beg her to. She would know that watching Larry David’s comedy makes me laugh more than anyone’s comedy does, which is not ideal for my sleep. She would physically abuse me if I don’t listen to her because she deeply cares about my good night’s sleep.
My dream girl would never cheat on me or even flirt with anyone. Even if she did, she would never tell me. She would know that telling me would break me, even though I would never break up with her. She would know I know that break up is not the solution for anything.
Every time she cheats on me or flirts with someone, she would sincerely beg me to watch an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, without telling me she’s gone astray — just to see a huge smile on my face. If I’m not in the mood to watch Larry David’s comedy, she would physically abuse me because she deeply cares about my happiness.
My dream girl would never doubt I would cheat on her. She would know I’m utterly incapable of making someone attracted to me.
My dream girl would watch any episode of Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Suits, Succession, The Sopranos, Stranger Things, The X-Files, and Black Mirror — with me, every Saturday all day — except for the time she has to cook.
She would understand that I don’t like pausing so she would insist that I don’t pause the episode when she’s in the kitchen. If I pause, she would physically abuse me not to pause because she deeply cares about my entertainment time.
My dream girl would be smarter than me but have a lesser sense of humor than me. Whenever I make jokes, she would be smart enough to laugh to make me happy, even though she wouldn't think they were funny. When she attempts to make jokes, she wouldn't expect me to even smile because she would know I don't like to encourage bad jokes.
If I do laugh at her jokes, she would be smart enough to realize that her jokes are so bad they made me laugh. She would refer to me as Young Larry David whenever she talks to our dog and cat about me — without sounding sarcastic.
My dream girl would look more gorgeous without makeup than she does with makeup. Without makeup, she would exactly look like Scarlett Johansson with makeup. With makeup, she would exactly look like Emma Stone without makeup.
She would never in a million years expect me to look like Ryan Gosling even if I put on makeup. Because she would know that my physical appearance is just a reflection of my inner world.
My dream girl would know that all the things I have mentioned above are only 3.7% of my reasonable dreams. She would immediately reach out to me, firmly believing that if she can fit the bill for 3.7%, the other 96.3% would be a cakewalk.
Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Srini
A special thanks to BOFace for his masterful editing.
Falling in love with Srini? Read these to confirm that you are not his dream girl or boy:
