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s an enabler. I was tenacious. I was a problem solver. I was spiritually hopeful.</p><p id="15f5">It took my counselor’s words to get my attention.</p><blockquote id="95ac"><p>“Colleen,” he says. “Your husband keeps showing you who he is but you don’t want to believe him.”</p></blockquote><p id="677e">Truer words were never spoken.</p><p id="34fb">I couldn’t get out of my own way.</p><p id="ddb2"><b>Even when a narcissist continued to break my heart.</b></p><p id="9b29">When a narcissist continued to make me cry.</p><p id="ae3b">When a narcissist continued to exhaust me.</p><p id="03c9">When a narcissist continued to make me feel crazy.</p><p id="3219">When a narcissist continued to deplete me.</p><p id="c0c5">When a narcissist continued to tear me apart.</p><p id="bf3a">When a narcissist continued to behave badly.</p><p id="05c1">I remained married to him.</p><p id="827e"><b>He was a walking, identified, honking narcissistic red flag.</b></p><p id="703e">And I just waved right back at him. He was who he was. He did all the bad things he did. He is responsible for his own behavior. Narcissism is a form of definitive evil.</p><p id="e10a">I’m not beating myself up.</p><p id="9fbb">I’m not victim-shaming.</p><p id="9f3e">I’m not taking responsibility for any of what a narcissist did. I’m not denying once I made the decision to leave a narcissist, I couldn’t free myself. I fought for years in divorce to escape a narcissistic bully. I acknowledge every evil of narcissism.</p><p id="4ec3">I’m saying I waited too long to liberate myself once I knew my truth.</p><p id="7582"><b>I know what really kept me with a narcissist.</b></p><p id="1781">It was my own personality.</p><p id="a9a6">I know my answer might annoy some people.</p><p id="7260">But I can acknowledge one truth without dispelling the other.</p><p id="bf7d"><b>Follow </b>my quotes on <a href="https://www.instagram.com/colleenorme/">Instagram</a> or me on <a href="https://twitter.com/ColleenOrme">Twitter</a> or <a href="https://www.linkedin.com/in/colleen-orme-7773015/">LinkedIn</a> or <a href="https://www.facebook.com/colleensheehyorme">Facebook</a></p><p id="2829"><i>If you would like to read more of my stories and support me as a writer, consider signing up to <a href="https://colleenorme.medium.com/membership">become a Medium member.</a> For just $5 a month, you will get unlimited access to Medium.</i></p><div id="1778" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/narcissist-i-forgot-to-tell-you-something-36cc463f91a2"> <div> <div> <h2>Narcissist, I Forgot To Tell You Something</h2> <div><h3>The goodbye those who love a narcissist need</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*EuHIDH6sZ_gh5TPTaL5Rgw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="3dfe" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-conversations-with-a-narcissist-df97f67a1539"> <div> <div> <h2>My Conversations With a Narcissist</h2> <div><h3>A few of our confusing, crazy, and controlling marital exchanges</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*kU9pZDCQ1OTIS5AwEVcOSQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id=

Options

"92d0" class="link-block"> <a href="https://colleenorme.medium.com/what-i-call-the-5-cs-of-narcissism-968cab2d8637"> <div> <div> <h2>What I Call the 5 C’s of Narcissism</h2> <div><h3>How a woman met a man and discovered a narcissist</h3></div> <div><p>colleenorme.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*0qEQMEJOcgbgqe_dK-PYug.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="68ca" class="link-block"> <a href="https://colleenorme.medium.com/why-does-a-narcissist-appear-harmless-419433d4244a"> <div> <div> <h2>Why Does a Narcissist Appear Harmless?</h2> <div><h3>They are an attractive predator so I never saw the danger</h3></div> <div><p>colleenorme.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*JUl4AFos3sNutrSqT1GV9w.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="3e84" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-was-with-a-covert-narcissist-444e6df2ee7d"> <div> <div> <h2>I Was With a Covert Narcissist</h2> <div><h3>Why not all narcissists are created equal</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*k_MzKBy9F-XCZdKynBxjig.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="302c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/is-the-narcissist-really-lying-to-us-26f3529dfce3"> <div> <div> <h2>Is the Narcissist Really Lying to Us?</h2> <div><h3>It’s more complicated than you think</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*MQcW1IftLvMbv7MqSJcYUw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="6afb" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/we-cant-grasp-who-a-narcissist-is-22393e4e2f94"> <div> <div> <h2>We Can’t Grasp Who a Narcissist Is</h2> <div><h3>This visual might help remind us</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*2oEWp_uEuvK9ZtqyBcY8Pw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="1e48" class="link-block"> <a href="https://colleenorme.medium.com/i-fell-in-love-with-a-narcissist-f38cbda26ab9"> <div> <div> <h2>I Fell in Love with A Narcissist</h2> <div><h3>And then I made things worse by marrying him</h3></div> <div><p>colleenorme.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*jtmryjcQa58lEpQUFcBxbA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Narcissism

What Really Kept Me With a Narcissist

My answer might annoy some people

I sit on the couch and absorb my marriage counselor's words. I am frozen in thought. At this moment, I should be running for my life.

“You’re not crazy,” says my marriage counselor.

“How do you know I feel crazy sometimes?” I say.

“Because your husband is two very different people,” he says. “But no one would ever believe you because he’s very charming. But make no mistake about it, down deep it’s all about him.”

Someone recognizes my truth.

I feel validated.

Instead of feeling legitimized, I should have felt scared. Very scared.

My husband’s diagnosis of a narcissistic personality disorder finally crystallized my long marital struggle. His critical lack of empathy is the definitive mark of a true narcissist. To the world, he is handsome, successful, and charming.

But there is an entirely different side to him.

The narcissist is unable to fool the psychologist.

Our first marriage counselor lacked the advanced training to adequately diagnose a narcissistic personality disorder. He acknowledged a very difficult personality. A narcissist can fool even some counselors.

This should be a defining moment in my life.

I know my truth.

I am married to an individual with a narcissistic personality disorder.

Even worse, he has been diagnosed on the severe end of the spectrum. I’ve been educated with the facts. A narcissist is rarely if ever treatable. A narcissist's crucial lack of empathy prevents them from having self-reflection.

In short, a narcissist will never believe they are a narcissist.

A narcissist doesn’t have the ability to see outside of their own world.

They don’t believe they are the problem. They believe everyone else is the problem. It’s the disorder itself that prohibits a narcissist from having any degree of emotional clarity. Narcissists only have emotion for themselves.

Yet at this defining moment, I remain married to a narcissist.

For seven more years.

Even though I continue in marriage counseling alone, once my husband refuses to go back. Despite educating myself further on a narcissistic personality disorder. I knew who and what I was now dealing with.

My husband had a narcissistic personality disorder.

But it was my personality that kept me in our marriage.

I wouldn’t give up.

I wouldn’t stop seeing the best in the rest of him.

I wanted to believe in miracles and the impossible.

I was a rescuer and a fixer.

I was an optimist. I was an enabler. I was tenacious. I was a problem solver. I was spiritually hopeful.

It took my counselor’s words to get my attention.

“Colleen,” he says. “Your husband keeps showing you who he is but you don’t want to believe him.”

Truer words were never spoken.

I couldn’t get out of my own way.

Even when a narcissist continued to break my heart.

When a narcissist continued to make me cry.

When a narcissist continued to exhaust me.

When a narcissist continued to make me feel crazy.

When a narcissist continued to deplete me.

When a narcissist continued to tear me apart.

When a narcissist continued to behave badly.

I remained married to him.

He was a walking, identified, honking narcissistic red flag.

And I just waved right back at him. He was who he was. He did all the bad things he did. He is responsible for his own behavior. Narcissism is a form of definitive evil.

I’m not beating myself up.

I’m not victim-shaming.

I’m not taking responsibility for any of what a narcissist did. I’m not denying once I made the decision to leave a narcissist, I couldn’t free myself. I fought for years in divorce to escape a narcissistic bully. I acknowledge every evil of narcissism.

I’m saying I waited too long to liberate myself once I knew my truth.

I know what really kept me with a narcissist.

It was my own personality.

I know my answer might annoy some people.

But I can acknowledge one truth without dispelling the other.

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