Narcissism
My Conversations With a Narcissist
A few of our confusing, crazy, and controlling marital exchanges
I would never have married a man who communicated or treated me like this. My compadres who have been entrapped by a narcissist understand my predicament.
Things seem normal until we make a commitment to the narcissist.
It ushers in confusing, crazy, and controlling narcissistic conversations.
These are just a sampling of the empathy-lacking oddities exchanged between my husband and me during our marriage. There are many more and there are some I’ve completely forgotten. Because what was not normal became the norm with my now ex-husband who was diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder.
A covert narcissist to be exact. They can be less obvious because they appear laid-back since they are passive-aggressively controlling.
Narcissistic Conversation Number 1:
Background: My mother-in-law has been in the hospital for weeks. She’s in her eighties and my sister-in-law has called her brother several times to visit and lend support. Ultimately, his mother would be hospitalized for an entire month. He never went to visit her and check on her.
Me: “You need to go visit your mom in the hospital.”
The narcissist: “My mother lives three states away.”
Me (a month later): “You’re going to your college roommate’s party?”
The narcissist: “Yes.”
Me: “The one who lives three states away?”
Narcissistic Conversation Number 2:
Background: We are in the veterinary office. Our thirteen-and-a-half-year-old Golden Retriever Emma is being put to sleep. I sit on the floor with her dog bed on my lap and Emma resting on top of it. I can’t stop the tears. She is our first dog baby. We had gotten her just months before our oldest son was born. He didn’t cry when we lost her that day or afterward.
Me: “How can you not shed a tear? Or even your eyes well up? A person could see a stranger’s dog put to sleep and get emotional.”
The narcissist: “It’s just a dog.”
Narcissistic Conversation Number 3:
Background: It’s a Saturday afternoon and my husband is tired from the night before. Our children are young and have a full day of sports. I walk into the room to see if he’s ready to go.
Me: “We need to leave to go to the boys' baseball games.”
The narcissist: “No one asked me what I wanted to do today.”
Me: “Really? You decided what you were doing today when you decided to have children.”
Narcissistic Conversation Number 4:
Background: We’ve just left my OB-GYN’s office. I’m being induced with our second baby in the morning. My husband is angry because he’s asked my doctor if he could keep his 2 PM work appointment. She is equally aggravated and tells him he needs to clear his schedule because he’s having a baby. We exit our car onto the townhouse sidewalk, and neighbors see me crying. It’s the only reason my husband relented. My neighbor got up in his face and told him he would pick his wife up from the hospital.
The narcissist: “Your sister is going to have to pick you up from the hospital.”
Me: “But I want you to pick me up we are only going to have a few babies.”
The narcissist: “I’m a busy man. I have to take off for this so I won’t be picking you up.”
Narcissistic Conversation Number 5:
Background: Our middle son is ten months old and needs ear surgery. I’m still a new mom. I have two children under the age of two. I don’t want to go to the hospital by myself. I’m scared for our baby. I end up going alone.
Me: “Our baby is having surgery and any surgery is serious. I’m scared and I don’t want to go alone.”
The narcissist: “I don’t know what to tell you. I’m a busy man. You’re going to have to go by yourself.”
Narcissistic Conversation Number 6:
Background: I have worked for six months on a major fundraiser. I leave the house, my husband, and the babysitter. Everything is set. All my husband has to do is pick up one of our children from an elementary school field trip. We agree he will meet me at the fundraiser. He never arrives. Finally more than two hours into the event, he shows up and has obviously been drinking. This is our conversation when we get home.
Me: “You showed up two hours late, you were drinking and ruined the night. I spent six months working on this fundraiser and I couldn’t concentrate. I thought something happened to you.
The narcissist: “Joe wanted me to meet his cousin.”
Me: “You were supposed to meet your wife at an event she planned. Did you not hear the other men whose wives put this event together? When you walked by them they all shook their heads and said none of them would be stupid enough to do something like that.”
The narcissist: “You make such a big deal over everything. You’re such an overreactor. You’re such high maintenance.”
Narcissistic Conversation Number 7:
Background: We are newlyweds and I’ve moved to where my husband is living. I don’t know anyone in the area yet. I need oral surgery and the doctor has told me they won’t do the procedure without a driver. I was young and dumb and in my twenties. When my husband refused to go I told them I had a driver in the parking lot. I drove myself home which was stupid. He never even called to see if I made it home.
Me: “I need oral surgery and they are putting me under anesthesia. They said I have to have someone drive me.”
The narcissist: “You’re a big girl. I’m a big boy. I don’t ask anything of you and you don’t ask anything of me. I’m a busy man.”
Me: “Can’t we schedule for a day where you aren’t as busy?”
The narcissist: “No, I’m a busy man.”
Narcissistic Conversation Number 8:
Background: My children and I have been in a car accident. It’s a double impact accident. When the firefighters arrive and I see my brother’s firefighter friend I burst into tears. I am relieved all three of my children are okay and their car seats stayed secure. The firefighters urge me to go to the hospital and I refuse. They tell me I will have difficulty the next day because we’d been hit so hard and I braced for impact when I saw the car in my rearview. I call my husband. He is unphased and continues to work instead of coming home a little earlier. The firefighters are correct. The next day I can barely move my body. I am unable to carry our baby who is twenty-something pounds up the stairs. I tell my husband I don’t think he’s going to be able to go away for the weekend. He’s incredibly put out that we’ve inconvenienced him and ruined his plans.
Me: “What is wrong with you? Why are you huffing and puffing while you’re sweeping the garage?”
The narcissist: “I’m disappointed.”
Me: “Seriously? Your wife and children were in a double impact car accident and all you can think about is missing one weekend with the guys?”
The narcissist: “Yes, I’m disappointed. I was looking forward to it.”
Narcissistic Conversation Number 9:
Background: My husband is leaving for a work trip that some spouses attend. My mother is ill and I don’t want to go with him. My mom has been sick for several years and we’ve had a few close calls with her. I stand my ground and my mother does end up taking a turn for the worse and passes away two weeks after this conversation.
Me: “I don’t feel comfortable going all the way across the country when my mom is sick and dying.”
The narcissist: “You’re ridiculous. Your mother’s been dying for years.”
Narcissistic Conversation Number 10:
Background: I’ve told my husband I’m unhappy and lonely and thinking of leaving. He spends several years winning me back. It’s something I didn’t think possible. Once he does, his anger festers and it begins to come out when he’s drinking. He’s upsetting our children and me. His narcissistic response is an attempt to prove I am overreacting.
Me: “You are going to have to figure out what is making you angry because you’re drinking and scaring the kids and me.”
The narcissist: “I don’t know what to tell you. You’re not going to change me.”
Me: “This isn’t my opinion. Even society frowns on men who are doing what you are doing to their families.
The narcissist: “Colleen, there are men who kill their wives.”
Narcissistic Conversation Number 11:
Background: My boys are upset and speak to their father about his drinking.
My children: “Dad you’re scaring us and upsetting us.”
The narcissist: “Boys I don’t know what to tell you. I know I’m behaving badly but it’s your mother. Your mother drives me to it.”
Narcissistic Conversation Number 12:
Background: Our marital problems are increasing in severity. I’m trying to get my husband to hear what I am saying and what is bothering me. My husband can’t hear me and instead talks about winning.
The narcissist: “You’re never going to win Colleen.”
Me: “I’m not trying to win I’m trying to be heard.”
The narcissist: “Keep trying Colleen. You’re never going to win.”
Me: “If you think there’s winning and losing in love you’ve already lost.”
This is a sampling of Narcissistic Dialogue
They illustrate the disturbing defect an individual with a narcissistic personality disorder has. They barely scratch the surface of the confusing, crazy, controlling conversations someone entangled with a narcissist experiences.
A narcissist can’t feel the pain of another human being.
It’s what makes them abusive and dangerous.
It’s unnatural to not worry about the people you love and who inhabit your family and life. Your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your children, and even your pets. But the narcissist doesn’t.
The narcissist only thinks about the narcissist.
Even if it’s an emergency, something important to you, something that would worry any human being, loss, doesn’t matter to the narcissist. A narcissist will coldly feel only their own emotion and pain. If a narcissist can truly have any type of emotion, it’s only for themselves.
These conversations are mere child’s play.
Compared to what happens when you leave a narcissist.
But those confusing, crazy, and controlling divorce conversations are for another article.
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