Narcissism
Is the Narcissist Really Lying to Us?
It’s more complicated than you think
Narcissists are capable of terrible things. They can lie, cheat, be financially abusive, emotionally abusive, controlling, and more. And make no mistake, it’s intentional.
It’s their world and everyone else is disrupting it.
But there’s a confusing element to narcissism. It’s one of the reasons we feel crazy once we attach ourselves to them. It is nearly impossible to conceive or believe but here it is…
The narcissist does not believe they are lying.
Shocking but true.
Especially when their behavior is so deliberate.
The cruelty, control, and manipulation are well orchestrated. The narcissist definitely knows what they are doing. However, in their worldview, they are not lying.
When my husband began hiding money and became financially abusive it was calculated. We are talking about years of intentionally siphoning money from our business account among other things. All while lying next to the woman who was trying desperately to save her marriage.
When we divorced, the financial abuse was rampant and again imposed with purpose.
I was shocked the guy I once thought of as honest and law-abiding was capable of such deceit. That he could be so unscrupulous. It was hard to wrap my head around.
He clearly knew what he was doing. This wasn’t a temporary lapse in judgment. He had been consciously doing it for many years and became worse throughout the divorce process.
It was nearly impossible for me to believe he wasn’t lying to me.
But in the mind of a narcissist, he was not.
He didn’t think he was taking or withholding money nor being emotionally abusive by leaving us without food, school supplies, or other monies.
In the world of the narcissist, I had wronged him.
I had chosen to leave him. Therefore, he would go to any lengths to protect his assets. He would show me what would happen when I didn’t have access to what belonged to him.
The narcissist’s self-protective instincts are so intense they justify their means.
They convince themselves they are doing the right thing.
And what is most frightening is they truly believe it. This is a part of the personality disorder. They convince themselves they were not only done wrong but that we were ungrateful, we were difficult, etc.
In short, we were the problem.
Therefore, as hard as it may be to comprehend, they do not believe they are lying to us.
Regardless of the bad behavior, the individual narcissist may have chosen.
The narcissist who has an affair doesn’t think they are lying and cheating. They believe they have been pushed to the brink by their spouse. They believe they had no other choice. Who could live with and tolerate this individual? They are the victim.
My children called my husband out during his badly behaving drinking years. I will never forget his response.
“Boys, I know I’m behaving badly but your mother drives me to it.”
At this point, we were in marriage counseling.
We had learned about narcissism. But it was so early that I couldn’t completely comprehend all of its disturbing intricacies. I still ping-ponged between the pretty person and the abuser.
The land of emotional confusion.
My husband ‘honestly’ and I use this word intentionally, believed I was responsible for his drinking and bad behavior. Even worse, he told them he couldn’t help it. Essentially, he wasn’t going to stop.
The narcissist believes their truth wholeheartedly. Therefore, those who know them will believe it as well.
They will believe the narcissist because the narcissist is so convincing. And the reason they are so convincing is they don’t believe they are lying.
One almost has to read these words more than once to take them in.
It’s that troubling for anyone who has experienced this disorder. It’s again, one of the many reasons we feel crazy by allowing ourselves to be sucked into the narcissistic hemisphere.
In reality, the ‘truth’ again I use this word intentionally, lies in the disorder itself.
To a healthy individual, these are lies. We understand this. We understand right and wrong. We understand accountability. We understand good versus bad. We understand a world outside ourselves.
Yet, to the unhealthy narcissist, this is not deception. And they will never understand this because their illness prevents them from doing so.
The narcissist does not believe they are lying.
Shocking but true.