I Was With a Covert Narcissist
Why not all narcissists are created equal
I stare at the two books before me. One is about living with a narcissist and the other is about living with a passive-aggressive personality. At the time, I don’t understand why I have been given these two titles in unison.
“I’m sure everyone who meets your husband loves him,” says my marriage counselor. “But make no mistake, down deep it’s all about him.”
My husband and I have been in counseling for months. We have just taken individual tests given to us by our therapist who is a psychologist. This is when we learn his diagnosis. Our counselor initially indicates the critical lack of empathy. He does not use the word narcissist. Nonetheless, my husband begins to resist going.
I learn this is not uncommon for someone with Narcissistic personality disorder.
I also learn not all narcissists are created equal.
I am with a covert narcissist.
Hence, why I am given a book about passive-aggressive personalities.
To be clear, all those with Narcissistic personality disorder lack empathy and possess the other signature characteristics. A narcissist is a narcissist. However, they don’t necessarily present themselves in the same manner.
Covert also known as vulnerable narcissism is the same troubling and abusive disorder. All the boxes are checked. All of the alarming characteristics exist. However, they are less obvious than the overt narcissist.
This narcissist tends to hover internally not externally.
Therefore, their ugly qualities rarely come out to play in public.
Their abusively corrupt behavior is masked and hidden within their interior.
How is this possible?
The arrogance, desire to win, and insecurities aren’t constantly verbalized. The covert narcissist still has a grandiose perception of themselves just no need to vocalize it, at least not to the masses. Instead, these are internal conversations within the narcissist, held feelings…”I don’t need to state my importance, I am well aware of it.”
The need to control is there but their passive-aggressive nature hides it. Instead, they appear laid-back and use manipulation and punishment to enforce control. To the general public, they exude the opposite of a domineering disposition. But those who love them are fully aware the narcissist always gets what they want.
Their anger exists but is often withheld in favor of silence and retribution. The covert narcissist exercises their fury by utilizing silent treatment, punishment, mocking-type humor, belittling, gaslighting, and manipulation. The world finds it impossible to believe this is an individual who could ever be enraged. But those who live with them understand they are capable of escalating beyond that.
My husband did not present as an overt narcissist.
He didn’t talk about himself constantly or monopolize a conversation.
He didn’t display arrogance, at least not openly.
He didn’t walk through the door in a bad mood or get angry. He didn’t tell me what I could or couldn’t do. He didn’t demand attention. In many ways, he ignored me if I didn’t get in his way.
But his internal tactics made sure I did what he wanted.
And everything revolved around him.
If he disagreed with me there was zero conflict, in favor of sabotaging an event or special day. If he was angry he would be silent, ignore me, or walk out of a room. If he hurt me or I took him on he would gaslight and turn things around on me. In some ways, it sounds less abusive than overt narcissism.
But I assure you it’s not.
The sense of powerlessness, hopelessness, and lack of reality, is overwhelming.
And the reason many who leave those with NPD suffer post-traumatic stress.
You’re living in a world with an unnatural being who lacks empathy. You’re their emotional captive and the angst turns to desperation, turns to fear — when you realize you may barely escape them.
When leaving one, the covert narcissist may become more obvious and vocal. After all, they aren’t in control any longer and you’re leaving their world. Signaling their lowered value and your own independence. Two things they have sought to overcome for years.
A human absent empathy is horrifying.
Regardless of how they demonstrate that deficit.
The covert narcissist quietly believes they are superior.
It’s their little secret.
And like most secrets kept hidden.
