My Husband and I Never Fought

I wish I’d known what this red flag meant

“I’ve never seen two people who get along so well,” my mom would say.

I’d smile every time those words left her mouth. We must be doing something right. Or so thought my twenty-something brain. I mistakenly believed my husband (then boyfriend) and I were lovers, not fighters.

It’s difficult to believe in nearly six years of dating we rarely argued.

I attributed it to our similarities.

We were both business majors and in sales. We were both extroverts. We were both Irish. We were both Catholic. We were both goal-oriented. We were both the life of the party. We were both easygoing. We were both independent and on and on.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The true reason we didn’t argue was that we were opposites.

My friend would always say, “You two couldn’t be more different.”

I would protest and list all the reasons we were alike. But she would stick to her guns. “Nope,” she would say. “He’s nothing like you.” It turns out she was right.

In all the ways that mattered, my husband and I were polar extremes.

He wasn’t independent, he was in his own world. He wasn’t an extrovert, he was a charming narcissist. He wasn’t easygoing, he was passive-aggressively controlling. And he was as thoughtless as I was thoughtful. As selfish as I was selfless and on and on.

So why didn’t we fight during those initial six years?

For exactly that reason.

Our wildly different dispositions.

I’m surprised it never occurred to my mother, though it was a different era. Relationships weren’t discussed as they are today. She should have said, “Colleen, you tend to be a fixer and want those around you to be happy. Is it possible you are keeping the peace and going the path of least resistance to avoid any conflict?”

This would have been one part of the equation.

The second was that I was dating a narcissist.

An individual in emotional hiding.

It’s not uncommon for them to expose themselves fully AFTER trapping you.

Narcissists have a goal. They are conquerors who set out to win what they desire. It’s a twisted and troubling game that makes them do and say whatever to achieve their desired outcome. This is why it’s nearly effortless for them to mask their true persona, an incredibly devastating and abusive personality disorder.

Because a narcissist enjoys winning, dating is a game.

While a narcissist is incapable of self-reflection, my husband did make an insightful comment. As newlyweds, I lamented his confusing personality. The covert narcissist having won what he wanted was now displaying an overwhelming coldness and cruelty.

“I never married the same person I dated,” I say.

“That’s because I was in camouflage,” he responds.

Truer words were never spoken. He thought he was being funny. But it exposed his unfortunate illness. His inflated ego found humor in his success. And his interior insecurity understood what needed to happen to win.

My college roommate reminded me of a few arguments early on.

I knew she was right because I had just sifted through a few sentimental boxes. Interestingly, there were several notes from my then-boyfriend apologizing for being so cold.

It’s frightening to me. Obviously, I had identified something was wrong. I had voiced my feelings that he seemed to lack emotion and could be cold at times. But I had allowed his confusing charm to diffuse that fear.

And he ultimately was smart enough to conceal it.

Narcissism happens to be my personal story.

But you don’t have to be with a narcissist…

In order for a lack of disagreements to be a red flag.

It was my personality that allowed me to exhaust or deprive myself in order to keep the peace and fix things. I was an extremely content girl. I didn’t demand much because I didn’t need much. I had a huge joy in life, it simply didn’t take much to make me happy.

I was also highly independent being raised by a single mother.

The early arguments gave way to me giving up. Either not expecting certain things from my then-boyfriend, avoiding what I wanted in favor of what he wanted, doing without, being stressed, or overcompensating.

I kept maneuvering unaware of his manipulation.

Again, you don’t have to attract yourself to a narcissist.

Plenty of people are controlling enough to be manipulative.

I want to drive home this point because the word narcissist is overused and misunderstood. A lack of conflict CAN happen with any individual if you have the type of personality that is an affable pleaser and fixer.

The more difficult personality controlling the overall dynamic.

It’s more common for this to occur than attracting yourself to a narcissist.

Because a true narcissist lacks empathy, which is not that common.

I was also someone who was comfortable with control. It was familiar to me. My mom was an incredible human being who was deeply caring, unbelievably loving, and empathetic, but she was controlling.

Thus, I was susceptible to being controlled.

I believe one of the most valuable lessons in counseling is self-awareness.

I learned about myself, why I made the choices I made, what my strengths are, what my weaknesses are, why a pleaser and a fixer attracted herself to a golden boy, that I tended to gravitate towards difficult personalities.

I was told I lacked self-protection and boundaries.

That I saw the best in people.

That enablers tend to make excuses for the repeatedly bad behavior of others.

And of course, what I already knew.

I am an avoider. I will avoid upset if at all possible. The fixer in me will go to great lengths to make another happy. Of course, that got less likely in the years my relationship fell apart. I was too tired and distraught to manifest that old girl.

My husband and I weren’t two people who got along incredibly well.

We weren’t alike.

We were two individuals playing roles. The ones we learned in childhood. He was controlling, I was used to being controlled. He was used to getting his way, I was used to making that happen. He was difficult, I was used to placating that.

I wasn’t happy, I was constantly sacrificing to ensure another person’s happiness.

I think that’s the scariest aspect.

I didn’t understand a lack of arguing meant one person was in control.

And another was shedding every bit of who they were because of it.