What low self-esteem actually looks like
It’s not all self-degradation and bad relationships.
by: E.B. Johnson
Are you dealing with low self-esteem? This is one of the most toxic states of mind we can get ourselves stuck in. But a lot of us tend to think of it in terms of desperate and groveling people. That’s not what all self-esteem issues look like, however. When we have no sense of self worth, it can masquerade under the guise of over-generosity, procrastination, overachievement, and more.
What low self-esteem actually looks like.
You don’t have to openly hate yourself to have self-esteem problems. Our low self-esteem can manifest in a lot of different ways. You might be the typical pushover, but you might also become a total self-lacking bore. That need for perfection? That crumbling inability to achieve or relate to others? It can call come from your especially low opinion of self.
Over-generosity
When we don’t love ourselves, we get creative in the ways in which we punish and destroy ourselves. One of the especially creative ways we can do this is with over-generosity. We give, and give, and give until we have nothing left for ourselves. You can be too generous with your time, your energy, your emotions, and your material goods. It’s a self-destructive cycle that works incredibly well.
Being a pushover
It’s easy to become a pushover when you don’t love yourself or know yourself. In order to stand up for ourselves, we have to care enough about what we want to prioritize it. That doesn’t happen when you’re struggling with low self-esteem. You doubt yourself; you put yourself in places of inferiority. Everyone is better at everything than you — in your mind. So you take a backseat and hand over your power in an effort to be liked or loved.
Toxic procrastination
Think your procrastination simply comes down to laziness? Believe it or not, procrastination can also be a sign of low self-esteem. Failing to believe in ourselves enough to act or invest, we step to the sideline and sabotage ourselves by waiting until the last possible second to act. Our delay is usually rewarded with some type of failure. So the low self-esteem beliefs are confirmed and the cycle can start again.
Total lack of self
Have you become a total bore to yourself and everyone around you? Maybe you skip out on social events, or fail to show up in places that aren’t familiar or comfortable to you. Little-by-little you become more boring and separated from your sense of self. This detachment is common when we think little of ourselves. Are you lacking a relationship with your authentic sense of self? It can be a sign you think little of who you are and what you want.
Need for perfectionism
Many people with self-esteem find themselves striving for perfection. It’s a desperate attempt to mask their insecurities, and it’s also a fruitless endeavor. Feeling low on who they are, they work hard to overcompensate and do everything in their lives by-the-book. They can believe that this will make them more worthy, and they certainly believe it will conceal their perceived weaknesses.
Social isolation
Low self-esteem is so dangerous. It warps our relationship with self, and it also warps our relationships with other people. The lower we spin down into our lack of self-confidence, the more isolated we can become. We don’t think that we’re worthy of love, so we pull back from our friends and our families. Likewise, as we make low vibrational choices for ourselves, we get stuck in shame cycles that further alienate us from our loved ones.
Constant overachievement
Along with our need to create perfect lives and perfect relationships, we can strive to mask our insecurities with overachievement. By attaining great success, we believe that no one in our life will be able to see how worthless we believe ourselves to be. This constant overachievement, though, wears us down and can further destroy our sense of self.
Hurtful underachievement
On the flip-side of overachievement, underachievement can also become a primary symptom of our low self-esteem. In this circumstance, we sell ourselves short and deny ourselves opportunities. Thinking we don’t deserve good things, we deny ourselves all the success and happiness we crave in our lives, careers, and relationships. This underachievement is hurtful self-sabotage at its finest.
Inability to decide
Do you struggle to decide for yourself? This is a standard symptom of those who lack faith and confidence in who they are and what they want from their lives. How do you know if you struggle with this? What happens whenever you are confronted with a decision — big or small. Do you have to run to others for advice, or can you pretty quickly make a decision that aligns with your authentic needs and wants? It’s not always straightforward when we pull down the hood and look at things seriously.
How to (realistically) boost your self-esteem.
Getting back to our self-esteem is a journey, and it can involve a lot of layers like therapy and group healing. At the core, however, it’s a self-determined process. There are practical steps you can start taking right now today that don’t involve expensive counselors or life overhauls. Fall in love with what you already like about yourself and then ease into the pool of total self-acceptance. Embrace your perceived weaknesses, elevate your social circles and your life will be changed.
1. Fall in love with the simple stuff
A great way to give yourself a quick boost of self-esteem is by focusing on the things in your life that you’re good at. What brings you a lot of praise without a lot of work? What are you already in love with about your physical body? Focusing on these things can make us superficially more confident, which does wonders for bringing the inside around as well. Get up in front of the mirror each day and celebrate what’s easy to celebrate for you.
Instead of doing a lot of hard inner-work up front, focus on the simple stuff first. What do you love about your body? What do you immediately love about your life? Look outward. It’s the first thing you see each day — why not start there. Whether it’s your eyes, your ears, or just the way you talk to people, find at least 5 things you love about yourself and celebrate those things.
Write about them in your journal. Describe how they improve your life, or make you feel better about yourself. Each morning, focus on those things in the mirror and say (out loud) why you like them. Do this over and over again until you get comfortable celebrating yourself. How do you now when you’re comfortable enough to move on? When you can take a compliment about one of your strengths without cringing, fending it off, or denying it. You should be able to say, “Thanks!” and move on.
2. See reality for what it is
At some point, you’ve got to accept reality for what it actually is. There’s no such thing as someone who has it all. No one has a perfect job, all the money, and a seamless and effortless home-life. That’s not how the world works. We all have problems. We’re all struggling to do the best that we can, and to hold on to whatever we’ve scrabbled out of this life. The person next to you on the bus? They are just as scared. They are just as insecure. And they are just as uncertain about what’s going to happen to them tomorrow.
See reality for what it is. There is no single person on this world that’s perfect. It’s not possible to be perfect. We all have weaknesses and insecurities. We all make mistakes and choose the wrong things and people for our lives. Look around and see yourself not as some abhorrent abnormality, but a natural part of a society that’s constantly growing and changing.
Drive this point home to yourself day-in and day-out. Get rid of the idea that you’re above anyone else and understand that everyone around has both weaknesses and strengths. Repeat this phrase to yourself each day, “I am not worthless. I am not inferior to anyone. We are all the same, and we are all doing the best that we can to improve our lives.” Write it on a note on your mirror. Put it on a sticky-note in your cubicle. Do what you have to do, but come to realize (in your heart-of-hearts) that you are both a valuable part of this world and just as worthy as anyone else around you.
3. Embrace your perceived weaknesses
Once you have a better handle on the fact that every single human being is flawed, you can start to look at your perceived weaknesses as a natural part of the puzzle. We all have them. They contribute to our personalities, our friendships, our families, everything. Things that we consider weaknesses are very often strengths — because they lead us down the road to improvement, and they make us the well-rounded person we need to be.
Now that you have looked at your strengths and seen reality, you can embrace your perceived weaknesses. See them not as shortcomings, but different facets to your wholeness. When you open your arms to these weaknesses, you become fully unique and aware of who you are and what you want.
Start small. Look for minor insecurities you can focus on first. Stand in the mirror each day and recite this weakness out loud. Make eye contact and give yourself that verbal acceptance. Talk to yourself as you would talk to a friend. Journaling too can be helpful in exploring this “weakness”. Work on it until you become comfortable with it. Let it sit with you. Once you have incorporated it into who you are, move up. Focus on your next insecurity and accepting it as both normal and beautiful.
4. Surround yourself with good people
The quality of people we surround ourselves with has a lot to do with the way we perceive our lives. When everyone around us is negative, toxic, or otherwise dismissive — we come to view ourselves on their terms. That’s poisonous, because it can destroy our self-esteem and our desire to be and do better by ourselves and our futures. We deserve to be uplifted by the people we choose to uplift.
Surround yourself with good people who lift you up and see the best in you. You don’t have to open up your life (or your heart) for people who tear you down or shut you down. Look for positive people who are happy in themselves, and happy in the choices they are making for their lives.
Stop settling for back-biters and drama-stirrers. They will add nothing to your life. Instead, they will tear you down. Set boundaries for yourself and stop allowing people to cross them. It doesn’t matter who they are. They don’t have a right to disrespect you. They don’t have a right to make you feel bad about yourself. Whether they’re an ex, an in-law, a child, a friend or a spouse — draw the line. The same goes for parents and family. If they can’t respect you, they don’t get a place at your table.
5. Do things you’re good at (more often)
A lot of us form this low opinion of ourselves because we spend most of our time doing things we don’t enjoy (and aren’t particularly good at). A quick remedy to this is by focusing on doing more of the things that you’re good at. The more you do these things, the more your confidence is improved. An added benefit is the potential opportunities this tactic can unlock for you.
Do things you’re good at more often. Whether it’s a hobby or a side hustle, spend some time investing in the things that make you feel good. Maybe you complete a puzzle at the weekend, or you go out for a round of your favorite sport. Doing things we’re good at is a great boost to our self-esteem.
It’s also a fast track to finding people who have what we want and need. We can find new romantic partners by engaging in activities and pastimes that we’re passionate about. We also create a new vibrational energy for ourselves, which can set a higher standard on our expectations and opportunities. The world opens up for you when you decide to create a life that makes you feel good from the inside out.
Putting it all together…
Dealing with low self-esteem? While we’ve been taught to see this as a self-deprecating person, it can be far sneakier than that. Our confidence issues can masquerade as over-generosity, social isolation, and self-sabotage. We get creative when we’re determined to destroy ourselves. And we often do it with an over-saturated style. Once you identify the problem, you can correct it, but not without thoughtful action first.
Fall in love with the stuff that’s already easy to fall in love with. Celebrate the parts of your body (and your life) that you already like. This gives a superficial confidence boost which helps get you to the next perspective level. Once you’re feeling better about who you are, look around at reality. No one person has it all together. We’re all struggling to make sense of who we are right now. Capitalize on this to understand that no one really cares about what you do. Embrace your perceived weaknesses as a part of the big-picture human that you are. Surround yourself with good people. More than that, though, invest in the things that you’re good at more often. Don’t spend your life being upset at someone else’s plans when you have skills and talents uniquely your own.
