You’re a people pleaser (and that’s a problem)
Sure, people pleasing might gain you surface level friends — but it will also bring you soul-crushing disappointment.
by: E.B. Johnson
When we live our lives in the shadows of other people’s needs, we can become lost and detached from our sense of self and our sense of purpose. Over time, this serving of others becomes a pattern and you can find yourself dealing with the toxic habit of people pleasing. We can’t make others happy in this life. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness, but until we accept that we can find ourselves on a very rocky road.
Our needs are the only ones we can meet.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of people pleasing, especially if you are someone with a troubling or traumatic background. In childhood, we learn to be confident in ourselves and the service of our own needs. When we learn that meeting these needs (or expressing ourselves) is unsafe, we can fall into bad habits like people pleasing, which teaches us that we have to meet the needs of others before our own in order to receive love or gratitude.
Our needs are the only needs we can ever truly meet and fulfill. We are not responsible for our partner’s quality of life, or our adult children’s. We can’t give people something which we don’t cultivate for ourselves. If you want to touch the life of other people, you have to ensure your own needs are being met.
People pleasing is dangerous, and it will take you down roads that are both dangerous and tragic. When you seek to serve others above yourself, you end up surrounded by people who want to take as much as they can from you. Rebuild your sense of self worth and put your people-pleasing tendencies to bed. It’s the only way you’ll be able to move forward in confidence; as the strong and capable person you were always meant to be.
Signs you may be a people pleaser.
Is your tendency to put others first getting in the way of your own happiness? It may time to admit that you’re a people pleaser, but you’re going to have to be brutally honest with yourself first. Understand the signs of people pleasing and admit when they’re cropping up in your life.
Inability to say “no”
One of the most common signs of a people pleaser is an inability to say “no”. Are you someone who always takes on the tasks that people ask of you? Do you swoop in and save the day, even when someone hasn’t asked you to help them? This inability to set boundaries can be detrimental to our physical and mental health. When all you do is give to others, you leave little energy or emotion for yourself.
Taking last place
Do you always put yourself last? Do you spend most of your time prioritizing everyone else’s needs over your own? This endless taking of last place can lead to a serious disconnect from self and a destruction of personal energy and power. The people around you learn that they can take things from you without giving anything back. It can become a pattern that destroys your happiness and your vision for the future.
A need to be liked
Those who suffer from a compulsive need to be liked are (more-often-than-not) people pleasers who are insecure about themselves. They seek validation from the outer world in order to feel as though they are worthy and lovable. Unfortunately, this is superficial validation. The only person who can give us that sense of worth is ourselves. It’s an inside-out job.
Fearing conflict
Do you avoid conflict at all costs when it comes to your friends and your family? This fear of conflict ultimately comes down to a fear of being unloved or rejected. At some point in childhood you were probably taught that expressing your feelings came with the displeasure of others. So you learned to lock your feelings away in order to be liked by the people around you.
Anxiety and low hope
Anxiety and feelings of hopelessness can also be a sign of someone who is wrapped up in a need to please others. When you’re running around chasing everyone else’s needs (as well as their approval) your ends can become frayed. You’re burning the candle at both ends with nothing left in the middle for yourself.
Expecting perfection
A subtle sign we often miss when it comes to our need to please others is a need for perfection. We tend to think of this as something which comes from internal insecurity — and it is. When you’re insecure around others, you can strive to be as “perfect” as possible in order to receive their love, praise, or approval. This is classic people pleasing and a tendency we have to be intensely aware of.
Suffocated emotion
Our emotions form a core part of who we are, and they must be expressed honestly and in an upfront manner. Are you able to express how you feel to the people around you? When you’re angry, can you stand up for yourself? When someone hurts your feelings, are you strong enough to say so? Suffocating your emotions is often done because you think you have to do that to be “liked”. This is people pleasing.
An urge to fix
Are you someone who thinks they can save everyone around them? Do you collect broken partners and broken friends, in the hopes that you can heal their pain or “show them the light” of love? This very often comes from desperate insecurity and a need to earn the attention and affection of others. It’s closely tied to our need to people please, and a symptom that we’re not focusing on our own needs and objectives.
Festering resentment
One of the most subtle and often-overlooked symptoms of people pleasing is a festering sense of resentment. At first, you may not recognize this emotion for what it is. Instead, you find yourself in a horrendous mood or caught up in a wave of negative thoughts that give you a horrid outlook of the world. As you keep serving the needs of others above your own, you slowly wake up and see these feelings for what they are: Resentment that you’ve made everyone happy but yourself.
What you can do about it.
You don’t have to spend the rest of your life putting your happiness on the back-burner. You can find the strength to set boundaries and stand up for what you want, but first you have to rebuild your self-esteem and set some limits for yourself and the way you relate to others.
1. Re-boost your self-esteem
Self-esteem is crucial in breaking our bad people pleasing habits. If you don’t believe in yourself or the things that you want, you become insecure and easily pushed around. Our self-esteem is the foundation on which we build all our strength, and it’s the font from which we set the boundaries and limitations that protect our happiness. If you aren’t self-confident, you’ll struggle to stand properly on your own.
Rebuild your self-esteem from the ground up. Start small. If you’ve never focused on building confidence before, it can feel foreign and uncomfortable. A journal is a great place to start. In the morning, write down 3 things you like about yourself, or 3 things you did well. At the end of the day, do the same. When each week comes to a close look back over what you’ve written.
You can also use affirmations and creative techniques like writing positive messages on your mirror in dry-erase marker. Each morning, look at the positive sayings and quote them to yourself out loud 3 times while making eye contact in the mirror. Little-by-little these reaffirmations of what you want and how you want to feel will become your reality as your mind resets and refocuses on all the good within you (instead of all the bad).
2. Set boundaries for yourself
It’s important to set boundaries for other people, but it’s just as important to set boundaries for ourselves. Ultimately, we choose how we behave in relation to others. We choose who is in our lives and who we surround ourselves with. We need to put limits around the situation we put ourselves in and set lines that we don’t cross with people who encourage us to compromise ourselves.
You need to set boundaries and limitations for yourself and the way you interact with others. Don’t allow yourself to cross certain lines with people and don’t put yourself in circumstances where your insecurities are given the power to overwhelm your own needs and desires.
Likewise, you need to make sure that you don’t allow others to cross any line that makes you feel uncomfortable or pressured. Instead of giving in to their demands, say “let me think about it” and then actually give yourself time to process before agreeing to something you don’t want to do, or don’t need to do. Don’t be afraid to say “no” and enforce your boundaries with both yourself and with others too.
3. Reshape your sense of self
A concrete sense of self is absolutely necessary if we want to build lives that are aligned to our true needs, values, and happiness. If you’ve spent your life chasing the needs of others, you need to spend some time getting clear on what means the most to you. With a strong sense of self, it’s easier to stand strong and move away from the people and opportunities which don’t suit us.
You have to be authentically who you are outside of the influence of others. Until you start living in the light of your deeper truths and align your life with your own values, you will continue to chase the fulfillment of other people. Question who you are and want you want from life, relationships, and the future you’re building.
Believing in yourself (and your right to thrive) will allow you to invest in this authentic person that’s blooming within. You have a right to lead whatever life brings you true and lasting meaning. You deserve to be happy and surrounded by people who make just as much space for your needs as you make for theirs. Reshape your sense of self and become your own person — rather than the shadow of everyone else’s needs.
4. Cut off toxic people
The quality of people we are surrounded by strongly dictates the quality of our lives. Allowing our social circles to be filled with those who take advantage and tear us down will only hold us back and cause us to limit ourselves. If we want to be strong, we need to surround ourselves with people who encourage us to cultivate this strength and this authenticity.
In order to stay strong and firmly planted in a world of your making, you need to cut the toxic people out of your life. You don’t need to be surrounded by people who only want to take your happiness from you. You need to be surrounded by people who build you up and want the best for you (not from you).
Rid yourself of the Negative Nancys in your life. Your life comes with a limited amount of space in it, and you have a limited amount of time and energy to spend on other people. Spend it wisely and make room for the right people to come into your life. Put some distance between those who want to take from you, and find instead friends and partners who know how to celebrate you, your value, and your accomplishments.
5. Tap into internal validation
People pleasers — above all else — are those who chase an outward sense of validation. They feel a need to be liked by others, and they crave deep and unconditional love which they believe must be earned. None of this is true. We can’t earn validation from the world. Before we can find true love and appreciation outside of the self, we have to find it within the self.
Stop looking for the world (or someone in it) to give you that sense of meaning and belonging you’ve been craving. You need to know your own self-worth. You are strong enough to save yourself, and you are capable enough to change your life from the inside out.
Give yourself that validation you’ve been craving. Wake up every day and remind yourself that you’re enough, just as you are. Your body is enough. Your heart is enough. Your mind is enough. You are lovable as you are right now in this moment, and you will only get more lovable as time goes on. Embrace it. Love yourself as much as you love others and stopping looking for the world to give you what you already have within.
Putting it all together…
People pleasing is a toxic habit and one that can destroy our happiness if we allow it. We have to be brave enough to admit when we put people too often above ourselves. In order to be truly happy and fulfilled in this life, we have to be able to meet our own needs and recharge our own physical, mental, and emotional batteries.
Re-boost your self-esteem and re-establish your belief in self and the things you want and need. Set boundaries for yourself (and others) and stop allowing yourself to cross the line, or put yourself in situations which compromise who you are or what you want. You need to reconnect with your sense of self, and you need to remember who you are. A sense of personal pride is absolutely necessary in standing strong and putting the people pleasing to an end. Remove toxic people from your life who require that you compromise yourself or subjugate yourself in order to gain their love. The only person who can provide with the desperate sense of validation you’re seeking is yourself. Love yourself from the inside out and stop begging for that love from others.
