SELF-IMPROVEMENT

What If I Miss My Fears?

Day 35, 50 questions for deep self-reflection

What if we were relentlessly kind to those parts of ourselves that fear being abandoned, betrayed, or forgotten? What would that mean? Would it mean we would no longer disconnect to protect ourselves from the trauma and pain? I discovered that for me, it may actually mean I can finally associate into self and connect with my own presence. Yeah, just a little thing like that.

This is day 35 of the 50 Questions for Deep Self-Reflection challenge from Know Thyself Heal Thyself created by Diana C.

DAY THIRTY-FIVE: How does being relentlessly kind to the parts of ourselves that fear being abandoned, betrayed or forgotten impact the way we’ve been wired for disconnection?

Too much confusion

I can feel myself wanting to get stuck on this question. I started answering it by breaking it down and then stopped because I realized I’m completely confused by this question. And in that confusion, I can feel myself not wanting to deal with it. In fact, I didn’t deal with it yesterday. I didn’t post any of these challenges yesterday. And I can say I needed a break, which to be honest, I really did, but I did read this question and normally I don’t read them until I’m ready to write them. The fact that I read it, and still didn’t answer it tells me that it definitely threw me for a loop, kicked my brain a little, and left me a mushy pile of uncertainty.

I’m completely confused by this question. And in that confusion, I can feel myself not wanting to deal with it.

So rather than answering the question, I’m going to first look at why I’m so confused by it. On the surface, it seems like the question is asking how kindness to self affects the way I’ve been wired for disconnection, which seems counterintuitive, a contrast. I know it’s not though. I know that no matter what, there is something to be found in this question and my perception of it needs to shift before I can find that.

So let’s see if we can shift my perception.

It’s all in the perception

What does it mean to be relentlessly kind to the parts of myself that fear being abandoned, betrayed, or forgotten?

Relentlessly kind:

Relentless is unceasing intensity, harsh and inflexible.

Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

How does being unwaveringly and intensely friendly, generous, and considerate to those parts of me that fear being abandoned, betrayed, or forgotten, play out? What does that look like?

I feel ok with that part of the question. I think the part that’s throwing me off is the second part, how does this impact the way we’ve been wired for disconnection. I feel like I’m perceiving the assumption that being kind to self is negative. And that can’t be right. That doesn’t feel right.

What if the question was actually asking how being relentlessly kind positively impacts and balances our inherent lean towards disconnection due to the fear of being abandoned, betrayed, and forgotten?

Did you feel that?

Yes. Okay. I think I felt the shift. So let’s try and reword this question in a way that I perceive it in a beneficial direction.

How does being relentlessly kind to the parts of myself that fear being abandoned, betrayed, or forgotten positively impact and alter my inherent desire to disconnect from those fears?

That makes a little more sense to me. I can perceive that with more clarity. Of course, I understand that my difficulty in perceiving this question relates greatly to the day 34 question about presence. I mentioned then that my level of disconnection is so intense that I was having trouble answering the question and clearly, that has carried through to today’s question.

“For me, presence is very much linked to association and disassociation, for to be present in time and space we first need to be present within our own time and space, within our own existence.”

How does it impact the way I’ve been wired for disconnection? Well, firstly, I’m so completely attached to my own disconnection that self-connection is unknown.

Do it — you’ll love it

They say you don’t know what you’re missing until you try it and I have to agree. I don’t drive.

People: “How can you not drive?”

Me: “Well, I’ve never done it so I don’t miss it.”

People: “You should get your license. You won’t know yourself. You’ll wonder how you ever lived without it.

Me: “And that’s why I don’t want it. I like being in a place where I don’t have to miss it”.

Ok, that gave me pause. Am I worried that in connection, I’ll miss the disconnection? I mean, the disconnection is comfortable, I know it well, I understand it. I know how to behave for other people in spite of complete disconnection. How do I act and react if that’s not a part of me?

Oh no! My disconnection is so complete that there is no longer any room for fear of being abandoned, betrayed, or forgotten. All of that is just inherently a part of my disconnection. You can’t miss something you’ve never experienced, right? So I can’t miss the lack of these things because I’ve never allowed myself to experience them.

You can’t miss something you’ve never experienced

I can see now that I’m working backward through this question and now we’ve reached the first part about being relentlessly kind to self. I’ve never been kind to those parts of me that feared being abandoned, betrayed, or forgotten because I didn’t know they were part of me. They were just, there. I didn’t know that they were things that weren’t positive or weren’t necessarily good for me.

What if?

So, let’s do ‘what if’ again, that seemed to work.

What if I was relentlessly kind to those parts of myself that feared being abandoned, betrayed, or forgotten? How would that impact the way I’ve been wired for disconnection?

Oh, right. Now I see. Now I have a bit of clarity on the perception of this question. If I was relentlessly kind to those parts of myself, perhaps they would open up. Perhaps they wouldn’t feel alone. Perhaps they would know that there was someone there for them. Always. Is the fear really about the fear of abandoning, betraying, or forgetting self? Is that it? And if I can be relentlessly kind to those fears, to those parts of myself that fear those things, can I let go of that fear? And then can I connect with my soul. And then can I connect with my own presence?

How does being relentlessly kind to the parts of ourselves that fear being abandoned, betrayed or forgotten impact the way we’ve been wired for disconnection?

In the comfort of my own fear, I have connected with my own disconnection. It is safer to hold on to the known than to open ourselves to new experiences. Am I holding onto my own disconnection and subsequent dissociation because it is known and because I fear that once it is gone, I will wish I’d held on tighter? That seems counterintuitive but we are beings of safety and certainty, even in our chaos and adventure.

If you are interested in the journey so far — all the days that came before, I’ve collected all the article links here:

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