What if I Fall and Never Get Up

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Abstract

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            <h2>Trans and Overwhelmed</h2>
            <div><h3>A side effect of testosterone I wasn’t quite ready for</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
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    </div><ul><li>Honest about the fact that those changes are terrifying and amazing, frustrating and calming, judged and beautiful.</li><li>Honest about the fact that none of that matters because so much of it is external. So many of the assumptions around those feelings are based on what other people will think or feel about those changes.</li><li>Honest about the fact that I am becoming extremely frustrated writing on this very platform every day and watching my stats go down (yet another reason why I haven’t written my 50-day challenge posts — the self-fulfilling prophecy of woe-is-me).</li><li>Honest about the fact that I’m scared. Terrified. Of what tomorrow may or may not bring.</li><li>Honest about the fact that I want to stop ‘caring’, to stop hustling, to just, allow, but I am still pushing too much because I’m scared if I stop pushing, instead of the balance I want to believe will catch me, I’ll simply fall and never get up again.</li></ul><p id="d1da" type="7">I’m scared I’ll fall and never get up again.</p><p id="1d45"><b>The truth is, I’m like anyone else, just trying to get through the next day, just trying to find myself, just trying to find my piece of happiness and joy.</b> But the other truth about me is that, unlike most people, I’m allowing myself to take that journey. That’s what this 50 Day Challenge is all about — that journey of self exploration. Outside of this 50 Day Challenge, I’ve been finding myself a way that is definitely unlike most people. In fact, I’m in a tiny minority of others who truly understand the journey that I’m on, but those that do understand it, understand with a deep knowing.</p><div id="8d0d" class="link-block">
      <a href="https://readmedium.com/it-wasnt-the-comfort-of-they-them-pronouns-but-rather-the-lack-of-discomfort-once-i-dropped-dddec3e6def3">
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          <div>
            <h2>It wasn’t the comfort of they/them pronouns but rather, the lack of discomfort once I dropped…</h2>
            <div><h3>Yes, I’m one of those — a they/them! I love the hilarity of the rhetoric around such simple and generalized terms, and…</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
          </div>
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            <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*mN6M8b_8GH2PXoGq)"></div>
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    </div><p id="65ab">As I’ve said so many times over the past 37 days, you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself first. And likewise, you can’t offer the truth to someone else if you haven’t giv

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en it to yourself first. How can you possibly speak your truth externally, if you haven’t embraced it internally?</p><p id="f286" type="7">How can I exercise my truth speaking muscle?</p><ul><li>By being honest with myself that I’m doing the best I can.</li><li>By knowing that, ‘the best that I can,’ is good enough. And that I’m good enough. And I always have been.</li><li>By knowing that I don’t yet love myself unconditionally, but I’m learning to every day.</li><li>By recognizing that imposter syndrome is not going to go away but that it is always a reminder, not of my truth, but rather that I’m not listening to my truth.</li><li>By asking myself, “Does this feel right or not? Is this right?” There is no truth of right or wrong, but I can ask myself, “Does this feel right… for me?”</li><li>By listening to my pains, my angst, my fears, and acknowledging them as parts of my truth</li></ul><p id="8f3a"><i>Who decides what is true if not ourselves. We believe what we believe and we hold true that which we have decided to believe. But in reflection of this, truth can only ever be true for and of self. My truth, is not your truth. And your truth, is not my truth. I know my truth now and I remind myself of it by flexing my truth self-talk. How about you? Do you know your truth? How do you exercise your truth-speaking muscle?</i></p><p id="10c0"><b>If you are interested in the journey so far — all the days that came before, I’ve collected all the article links here:</b></p><div id="8bfa" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/50-questions-for-deep-self-reflection-22351d1e3073"> <div> <div> <h2>50 Questions for Deep Self-Reflection</h2> <div><h3>50 days of self-discovery</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*r-YRvlz_pN5JAdMk)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="7aad"><i>Don’t miss out on anything! Follow/subscribe for notifications and be the first to catch my latest articles. Run out of free reads? <a href="https://kp-the-writer.medium.com/membership">Click here to join Medium now</a> for access to everything. Please note, this is an affiliate link and I receive a financial reward if you follow the link to join. Thank you for feeding the author!</i></p><div id="7744" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/about-me-kp-the-writer-f56a5e65ea7e"> <div> <div> <h2>About Me — KP-the-Writer</h2> <div><h3>Podcaster, writer, and queer, oh my</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*7yTzy4Uqux13evoV0WoMpw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Day 37, 50 questions for deep self-reflection

The truth is subjective. Or objective. Or something. The only true truth is that your truth is yours just as my truth, is mine. But how can we speak our truth within the context of interpersonal relationships and connections when there is no guiding universal truth of thought? How can we exercise our truth-speaking muscles when our truth is only our own?

DAY THIRTY-SEVEN: How can you exercise your truth speaking muscle?

It’s been two days since I submitted any answers to these questions. Two days of overwhelm. Two days of confusion. And most importantly, two days of self-care. Because I did answer this question, two days ago, and I’ve kept that answer for another article. The truth is, I’ve realized that I didn’t really answer the question, not in the way that I should have, or the way I needed to, or most importantly, the way that was true.

So now, my very simple answer to this question, “How can I exercise my truth speaking muscle?” is, by being honest with myself. That’s not what I said in my ‘other attempt’ to answer this question. In that one, I spoke about how the accusation of untruth was a trigger because I grew up in a household where lying was so natural to the point where I wasn’t even aware it was happening.

“How can I exercise my truth speaking muscle?”

By being honest with myself!

But none of that matters because the fact is, the only way I can exercise my truth-speaking muscle is, to be honest with myself. That’s it. How can anything else matter for the truth, like anything, must start within? I need to step back and truly be honest with, me.

Honest about the fact that for the past couple of days, I’ve felt extremely overwhelmed and I haven’t quite known how to deal with the emotions of that because of changes that I’m currently going through.

Honest about the fact that those changes are terrifying and amazing, frustrating and calming, judged and beautiful.

Honest about the fact that none of that matters because so much of it is external. So many of the assumptions around those feelings are based on what other people will think or feel about those changes.

Honest about the fact that I am becoming extremely frustrated writing on this very platform every day and watching my stats go down (yet another reason why I haven’t written my 50-day challenge posts — the self-fulfilling prophecy of woe-is-me).

Honest about the fact that I’m scared. Terrified. Of what tomorrow may or may not bring.

Honest about the fact that I want to stop ‘caring’, to stop hustling, to just, allow, but I am still pushing too much because I’m scared if I stop pushing, instead of the balance I want to believe will catch me, I’ll simply fall and never get up again.

I’m scared I’ll fall and never get up again.

The truth is, I’m like anyone else, just trying to get through the next day, just trying to find myself, just trying to find my piece of happiness and joy. But the other truth about me is that, unlike most people, I’m allowing myself to take that journey. That’s what this 50 Day Challenge is all about — that journey of self exploration. Outside of this 50 Day Challenge, I’ve been finding myself a way that is definitely unlike most people. In fact, I’m in a tiny minority of others who truly understand the journey that I’m on, but those that do understand it, understand with a deep knowing.

As I’ve said so many times over the past 37 days, you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself first. And likewise, you can’t offer the truth to someone else if you haven’t given it to yourself first. How can you possibly speak your truth externally, if you haven’t embraced it internally?

How can I exercise my truth speaking muscle?

By being honest with myself that I’m doing the best I can.

By knowing that, ‘the best that I can,’ is good enough. And that I’m good enough. And I always have been.

By knowing that I don’t yet love myself unconditionally, but I’m learning to every day.

By recognizing that imposter syndrome is not going to go away but that it is always a reminder, not of my truth, but rather that I’m not listening to my truth.

By asking myself, “Does this feel right or not? Is this right?” There is no truth of right or wrong, but I can ask myself, “Does this feel right… for me?”

By listening to my pains, my angst, my fears, and acknowledging them as parts of my truth

Who decides what is true if not ourselves. We believe what we believe and we hold true that which we have decided to believe. But in reflection of this, truth can only ever be true for and of self. My truth, is not your truth. And your truth, is not my truth. I know my truth now and I remind myself of it by flexing my truth self-talk. How about you? Do you know your truth? How do you exercise your truth-speaking muscle?

If you are interested in the journey so far — all the days that came before, I’ve collected all the article links here:

Don’t miss out on anything! Follow/subscribe for notifications and be the first to catch my latest articles. Run out of free reads? Click here to join Medium now for access to everything. Please note, this is an affiliate link and I receive a financial reward if you follow the link to join. Thank you for feeding the author!

SELF-IMPROVEMENT

What if I Fall and Never Get Up

Day 37, 50 questions for deep self-reflection

Trans and Overwhelmed

A side effect of testosterone I wasn’t quite ready for

It wasn’t the comfort of they/them pronouns but rather, the lack of discomfort once I dropped…

Yes, I’m one of those — a they/them! I love the hilarity of the rhetoric around such simple and generalized terms, and…

50 Questions for Deep Self-Reflection

50 days of self-discovery

About Me — KP-the-Writer

Podcaster, writer, and queer, oh my