What happens when a narcissistic parent dies
It’s not as freeing as you think it is. But also — it is.
by: E.B. Johnson
While the death of a narcissistic parent may seem like a release of sorts — it’s a far more complicated thing. When we our narcissistic parents leave us, it opens the door on all sorts of major revelations. These bring up complex emotions, and a lot of nuances, which can completely change the way we see ourselves and the people our parents chose to be. Are you still reeling from the death of a narcissistic mother or father? Give yourself time to grieve before you slowly open the door on major healing and transformation.
The death of a narcissist is complicated.
The fallout following the death of a narcissist is just as complex and confusing as their lives with us are. Nothing is straightforward. We become deeply attached to our narcissistic parents — by design. When they leave us, it can create a large hole in our lives that forces us to question everything we know about life, love, and the world at large. The death of a narcissist is complicated. Understanding those complexities is crucial in moving forward.
Overwhelming grief
Initially, we are overcome by an overwhelming sense of grief at the news our parent or caretaker has died. We have deep emotional ties to this person, whether or not we want them. It’s a part of our natural development. Children attach to their parents in ways that are targeted at survival. When these attachments are warped, the problems come in. Nonetheless, as that forever-child, you continue to see that person as someone you should pursue and be close with.
Sense of dis-anchoring
After the initial grief passes, many children of narcissists are left with a deep sense of dis-anchoring. The narcissist becomes an over-large force in their child’s life. They seek to control everything, and in that process create a child that emotionally depends on them. When that parent leaves, it’s a bit like a catastrophic explosion in the side of a plane. You suddenly find yourself flying through life with a hole ripped into the side of your fuselage. It creates a vacuum in your life and can detach you from your sense of self and reality.
Intense anger
There is no escaping the anger you will feel after losing a narcissistic parent. You will get angry at them for leaving you. You will get angry when you realize everything they failed to do for you. You’ll get angry at them for having you, for starting a family. You will be angry about so many things. What’s powerful is that are few left who can stop you from expressing this anger. Although it feels bad at first, it’s actually empowering. Because it’s often the kick-start that gets you to see your parent for who they really were (and major healing follows).
Total re-questioning
Once the anger and the disappointment have shifted, you’ll find that you question everything that happened in your childhood. And you will question who your parent really was. This is the seed that blossoms into the incredible transformation you’re going to undergo. This is the beginning of a garden that changes the trajectory of your life. Let the questions come, and when they do — answer them honestly. Your narcissistic parent failed you and that’s okay to admit.
Hard divides
As you wake up to your parent and your life with them, divides can be created in who you are, who you think you are, and even your relationship with other family members. While you gain clarity, you may come to see your siblings, other caretakers, or even loved ones as enablers, or even abusers themselves. Likewise, you can find that your other family members may not be ready to accept the deceased parent for who they really were — which puts them at odds with your transformation.
Acceptance and relief
There’s a certain acceptance and sense of relief that eventually comes from losing a narcissistic parent. Even if it still makes you angry, you come to see your parent for who they were and you accept it. There’s a complex relief in their absence, and the understanding that you’re not free to be who you really need to be (even if that’s hard). Gone is the black cloud that was always looming over your life. You now have to option to stand in the sun and create a life worth living.
Forced rebirth
Because the death of a parent is so de-stabilizing, it forces us to put ourselves back on stable ground (Gardener, 2004). This creates a chain reaction and a forced re-birth of sorts. You have no choice but to recreate yourself after the death of a narcissistic parent. They are no longer around to pressure and harass you into their image. With that crushing sense of responsibility gone, you step out of the shadows and can throw off the hangups, insecurities, and fears that they saddled you with.
How to move forward after a narcissistic parent’s death.
Once you understand the trials of grieving the narcissistic parent, you can take steps to heal and find peace. Whatever you do, don’t fight the grief. We all suffer in some way following the loss of a parent. Let yourself be angry and allow that anger to be an important catalyst in your healing. Re-parent yourself and fill your life with the love you never had. Losing a narcissistic parent hurts, but it can also be the first major step in the rest of our lives.
1. Don’t fight the grief stage
Some people realize their parents are toxic very early on in life. For others, it takes a lifetime to recognize the abuse. No matter where you stand, there is still a deep sense of longing that we all have with our parents. When they’re gone, that longing is re-awakened, if not just to pine after all the things they never gave us. This is a part of the grieving process. You have to allow yourself to undergo this process in order to enact the rest of your healing.
Even if you know your parent was a malignant narcissist, they were still your parent. Somewhere in you, there is a deep attachment and maybe even a sense of love for that person you thought they were. Allow yourself to grieve them as the parent that they failed to be. And in that grief find the strength to move forward.
Get through the funeral and all the aftermath, and allow yourself to be sad and grieving throughout the process. Emotions aren’t one or the other. You can feel sad and angry at the same time. You can also feel confused. These emotions have to be brought to the surface so they can be discharged from your system. Putting up a wall and refusing to grieve because your parent was a bad person will not work. Your inner child still sees that person with longing, and so do you. Acknowledge that need and the pain you feel at their leaving so you can get serious about healing the wounds.
2. Let yourself be angry
Anger is another inescapable emotion with the narcissist. Even if you have never been a furious person before, you will face rage as you’ve never experienced it before. It’s enraging to realize that your parent failed you, and a narcissistic parent always fails us in some regard. To get your anger put to bed, allow yourself to go through it. This means making safe spaces for your anger and its deeper messages to be heard.
Allow yourself to be angry in whatever way you are angry. Have you realized that your parent failed you? Are you just coming to terms with the fact that they hurt you or damaged you in the name of their own ego and interests? You have a right to be mad about that. That is not what your parent was supposed to do for you.
Let the anger out and see it as the fire that will fuel your healing journey. Don’t run from it and don’t hide it. Channel it into feeling better. Get out a journal and write all the reasons you “hate” your parent, or are mad at them. Say it all and don’t hold back. Use your anger to get back out into the world. When the rage comes on, reach for a distraction that adds something of quality to your life. Do whatever you need to do to get that anger shifted. Say the words out loud and admit who they are. Your anger won’t recede until you acknowledge the message it has for you.
3. Make your healing journey yours
The death of a parent is a life-altering experience, whether or not your relationship with them was healthy. It’s a bit like passing through a veil. Suddenly, you find yourself standing in a very different place. You can see and hear all the pieces of your old life, but you ‘re separated from those places and people by a sheer veil. They don’t understand life beyond the veil, just as you no longer understand theirs. It’s an elevated perspective, and one that only comes with a great deal of pain. So, we have to learn to heal on our own.
Be okay making your healing journey a solo one. Most around you will not understand the depth of what you’re experiencing, even if they want to. You’re going to feel alienated, and that’s okay. Don’t involve anyone else in your journey doesn’t need to be there. Make it yours and minimize the influence of the outside world (until you’re good and ready).
The relationship with your parent was very personal — and at some point you’re going to have to work certain nuances of that relationship out on your own. Your partner may not have the emotional awareness needed to see where you’re coming from. Your siblings may not be ready to see your parent in the same light. If you need to open up to someone, try to seek out the help of someone who knows where you’re coming from. Counselors, therapists, and coaches can be an invaluable part of the process when it comes to healing ourselves and finding happiness again.
4. Be a better parent to yourself
Our parents form the first baseline by which we learn how to see and understand ourselves and the world. When this relationship with them is warped, it warps the way we are able to interact with the world. That impacts our partnerships, our future families, and even the limits we set for ourselves. In order to have any hope of resetting these negative patterns of behavior and belief, we have to take a brave step and commit to becoming the parent we were always denied.
Re-parent yourself. Become that accepting and loving caretaker you were always denied. Your parent doesn’t have to be the end-all-be-all to who you are. You can learn how to self-soothe. You can learn how to support yourself unconditionally and stand without that love you were denied externally.
Be your own parent. Show up for yourself and be both that source of love and that source of leadership you never had. Each time you counter a new hardship or decision, imagine yourself as the ideal parent you always wanted. What would that parent say to their own children? How would they want the futures of their children to turn out? Visualize yourself to be a parent entirely different from your own. Where they were cold, be loving to your inner child. Where they were distant, go the extra mile to make sure they know they are loved.
5. Fill your life with love
Healing the wake of our narcissist parent’s death isn’t easy. Nor is it straightforward. It’s a winding process that looks completely different for every person. Some of us might bounce back quick, some of us may choose never to bounce back at all. What we can do to make the journey better, though, is to surround ourselves with the love that we thought was lacking. Think of it as a cushion. It will soften the blows and remind you that you are someone worth thriving.
Fill your life up with love. Surround yourself with people that you love. Invest in experiences that you love. Take that well at the center of your life and make it brim with all things good and fulfilling. Replenish yourself from it regularly. Anytime you slip back into that place, drink deep and know that this is the life you’ve made for yourself.
Cut out toxic people and toxic situations. If you’ve brought in people, just like your deceased parent — let them go. You can’t change them, and you need to stop repeating the cycles. Pursue only people who lift you up and support you even when it’s difficult or beneficial. Look for the best in people who look for the best in you. Stop settling for the same discomfort they handed you as a child. Now is the moment to stand on your own and actively create the life you’ve always dreamed of living; free of the pain and suffering of the past.
Putting it all together…
When a narcissistic parent dies, we are thrown into a tailspin of grief, rage, and a range of other complex emotions. Rather than fighting the process, we have to welcome it with compassion and understanding in order to heal and move on. From sadness to anger, and back into sadness again — the loss of a narcissistic parent is just as hard as any other loss, and we have to allow ourselves to process it in our own time in order to recover.
Don’t fight your grief. Your parent was your parent and you’re allowed to grieve them, or even the image of them you never got. Let yourself be angry at them. Let yourself rage and count their flaws. They’re dead, and that means you’re no longer beholden to their shame and their insecurities. Make your healing journey yours. Don’t take anyone along that doesn’t need to be there. Your relationship with your parent was singular, and portions of your healing need to do the same. Re-parent yourself and become the caretaker you never had. Give yourself that acceptance and validation you’ve been missing. As you transition into who you were always meant to be, seek to fill your life with love. Invest in people and life experiences that fill you up and offer you the belonging and comfort you were denied as a child.
- Gardner, F. (2004). ‘To Enliven Her was My Living’: Thoughts on Compliance and Sacrifice as Consequences of Malignant Identification with a Narcissistic Parent. British Journal Of Psychotherapy, 21(1), 49–62. doi: 10.1111/j.1752–0118.2004.tb00186.x
