The best ways to deal with a toxic sibling

Not all sibling relationships are healthy. These are the best ways to deal with a toxic one.

by: E.B. Johnson

We are raised to believe that having a sibling is a magical experience — and for some, that’s true. For others, however, that sibling relationship is one that can be fraught with tension and hardship, as well as dismissal and abuse. When things get tough between you and a sibling, it often comes down to making a hard choice and walking away. No one deserves to be mistreated, no matter what relationship they share with someone.

Stop allowing an abusive or toxic sibling rule your life. Build the understanding that you need to safeguard your wellbeing and empower yourself (through information and vision) to move past their poor behavior and juvenile tactics. We are not beholden to our toxic siblings just because we come from the same family. Find the motivation to stand up for yourself and reinstate a sense of peace in your life.

Sibling-hood isn’t all it’s made out to be.

When we are children, having a sibling can be both a blessing and a curse. They offer endless entertainment and socialization opportunities, but they can also compromise the attention we receive and make our lives harder in their own unique ways. Our siblings — just like every other person in this world — are unique individuals with their own thoughts and feelings. Just as we don’t get along with every person on this planet, we’re not guaranteed to get along with our siblings either.

Toxic sibling relationships do exist and take a serious toll on our lives. If left unaddressed, they erode our self-esteem, our physical and mental health, and even our other relationships. Though we may be taught to revere our siblings or love them no matter what, we don’t owe them our happiness when they become angry, manipulative, or abusive.

Stop putting up with a sibling with dismisses you, belittles you or otherwise makes your life more difficult than it should be. Our siblings shouldn’t bring more pain into our lives. As a matter of fact, they should enhance it with endless love, understanding and compassion. You don’t have to allow them to take advantage of you, or make you feel worthless. You can learn how to stand up for yourself and break free of the shackles that keep you chained to your dysfunctional family relationships.

Signs your sibling relationship is toxic.

Toxic sibling relationships are everywhere, but they go largely unaddressed and ignored. Why? It can be hard to spot the signs when the trouble lies within our family relationships. Spot them we must, however, if we want to build lives that allow us to thrive authentically and organically.

Nothing but critical

Does your sibling constantly criticize you or the choices that you make? Do they look for fault before you even have a chance to speak or act? Look down on you and the life you’re building? If they never have a word of encouragement to give you — but endless unsolicited advice that comes from a place of their own internal bitterness more than anything else — they’re toxic. This behavior runs down both your sense of self and your personal confidence. More than that it’s disrespectful.

Manipulation comes standard

Some siblings rely on manipulation to get what they want from the people around them. This can include manipulating your emotions, or bringing up issues from the past in order to invalidate your needs and points of view. They bring out the worst in you or coerce you into behavior and responses that make you uncomfortable. They pull strings, and they do so with both

Zero remorse

Think back to the last time you and your sibling got into a skirmish. When the dust settled, did they show any signs of remorse for the part they played? Think back even further. The last time your sibling did something seriously wrong (to you or others) did they show any signs of guilt or shame? Remorse is an important part of being a caring, compassionate human being. Failing to show remorse when we step out of line indicates a lack of respect and a lack of basic consideration.

Total energy drain

How do you feel when you get done spending time with you sibling, or socializing with them? When someone is toxic or bad for us, we often notice that we feel exhausted or drained after being in their presence for even a few moments. This is because we have to exert a tremendous amount of mental and emotional force in order to withstand their barrage of personal attacks, negative critiques, and all-around-nastiness. A toxic sibling can be a total energy drain, but we have to listen to our bodies to notice that.

Refusal to take responsibility

Taking responsibility is an uncomfortable skill that must be mastered in order to manage effective, equitable relationships. This includes the relationships we share with our parents and even our siblings. It isn’t always easy to take responsibility for your mistakes, but it allows you to grow as a person and see yourself and the world around you in a more realistic light. Does your sibling refuse to take responsibility for anything they do wrong (despite their age)? Do they shift the blame to you, or make you the villain in family squabbles? They might be a toxic person where you’re concerned.

Abusive behavior

Generally, when talking abuse, we focus on our caretakers and our romantic partners. Our siblings, though, can be abusive to us as well…no matter what age they are, or what role they inhabit in the family. When they disrespect your boundaries time and time again, and go out of their way to terrorize, manipulate, or otherwise control you through the use of physical and mental fear — they are abusive and dangerous to mental and physical wellbeing. You cannot force an abuser to change, nor are you responsible for their actions.

Little-to-no trust

Do you trust your sibling? If you told them something in confidence, are you certain they would hold that secret in their hearts? It’s important that we know we can trust the people in our lives. There’s only limited real estate when it comes to the number of relationships we can (effectively) manage — even when it comes to family. When you fill that space with people who undermine you or betray your confidence, you’ll find yourself feeling insecure, uncertain, and otherwise unsafe in your own space.

Undermining your relationships

Bad relationships with our siblings can take a serious toll on our other relationships. Likewise, our siblings themselves can also become a threat to the bonds that we share with our romantic partners and even our friends. Does your sibling stir up trouble, or cause unnecessary drama whenever your other half is around? Does the stress of constant conflict with your brother or sister make it hard for you to appreciate the other relationships you have around you? All of these indicate a toxic sibling-ship.

Denial and ostracizing

True and unconditional love — whether we share it with a romantic partner or our families — should always come with a heaping dose of compassion and understanding. This means listening to one another and making space for the allowance of one another’s realities. We are all living in different truths, but when a parent or a sibling denies that truth (or ostracizes us for it) it can seriously harm our psyche and the way we see ourselves.

What happens when you don’t deal with it.

Think that your toxic sibling relationship isn’t that big of a deal? Think again. The bonds we share with our family are important, and with our siblings especially so. When those bonds run poisonous, our lives pay the price in a number of surprising ways.

Shifted sense of self

The relationships we share with our families are the first we ever know and therefore become the foundation upon which we build our ideas on everything from love to self. Living in the shadow of a toxic or abusive sibling can damage your self-esteem and skew the way you see yourself — seriously crippling your authentic individuality and sense of worth. This shifted sense of self keeps us small, and can even cause us to deny ourselves crucial opportunities.

Destructive behaviors

Any type of mental and emotional distress in our lives can push us into strange places. When we’re stressed, our subconscious offers up an array of coping mechanisms meant to protect us; though, they usually end up causing us a lot of avoidance and hardship. Chief among these is the likelihood of falling into destructive patterns as you attempt to deal with the pain caused by a dysfunctional or abusive sibling relationship. You might find yourself engaging in risky or promiscuous behaviors, but you might also find yourself battling addictions meant to numb you from the constant barrage.

Corrupted relationships

Turbulent relationships with our siblings can be like storms, brewing and brewing until they lash all the way out into the outer regions of our lives. If you’re struggling with a family member, it becomes reflected in your other relationships. Perhaps you become more confrontational or distrusting of your spouse. Maybe you withdraw from your friend groups, or lash out at a coworker. The negativity that plagues your sibling relationships can (and will) bubble up into your other relationships if not addressed.

Eroded self-esteem

If your sibling relationship involves abuse, denial, or belittlement of any kind, you might notice that it eats away at your self-esteem. This is because our sibling relationships form one of the first reference points when it comes to love and identity. We see our interactions with them as a reflection of self, and as this evolves with our reasoning we can come to adopt an ingrained idea of worthlessness and and / or hopelessness.

Mental and emotional distress

Falling out over and over again with your brother or sister can — and often does — result in serious mental and emotional distress. This can disrupt your sleep patterns, your cognitive patterns, and the way in which you go about making decisions for your life. Likewise, an extremely toxic or abusive sibling relationship can exacerbate serious mental issues and extreme feelings of distress or despair.

Physical corrosion

Stress is an unfortunate side effect of life, but it is exacerbated by toxic relationships with our families and our siblings. When these relationships erode, they increase our stress levels and the production of cortisol. This stress hormone takes a serious toll on your physical health, and can result in headaches, muscle tension, loss of sleep, exhaustion, and even poor diet and exercise habits.

The best ways to deal with a toxic sibling relationship.

Let go of the idea that you have to hold on to a toxic sibling. You are in charge of protecting your wellbeing, and that includes controlling the people who take up space in your life. Don’t allow abuse for the sake of an outdated idea. Cut ties and find better ways to protect yourself against their attacks with these simple techniques.

1. Empower yourself with acceptance

Empowering yourself is a process which takes time — no matter what you’re empowering yourself to work through. It’s also a process that starts with acceptance, though, and that means internal acceptance and external acceptance. You must start to see the world as it really is, and you must start to see your place in it, and your sibling’s place too. The sooner you accept reality, the sooner you can take action to change it.

Accept where you’re at. Accept where they’re at. Accept the reality of your relationship and the ways in which it impacts your mental and emotional levelness. Spend some time looking at your sibling’s behavior for what it really is. Then look at your own reactions. Is your life being made better or worse for their place in it?

It’s important to note here that acceptance is not allowance. To accept your sibling as a toxic person is not to allow that behavior to continue. It simply means you acknowledge the bad, just as you acknowledge the good. Identify those parts of your relationship which are most toxic, then put them in perspective where they belong. You must empower yourself to wake up to the reality of the family ties you’re dealing with, so you protect yourself.

2. Set out some boundaries

Boundaries are crucial to every sort of relationship, and they are especially important when we’re dealing with toxic people. It may not be possible to entirely remove your sibling from your life. At first, that may not even be a possibility you’re willing to consider. If that’s the case, then you have to learn how to set hard-and-fast boundaries and you have to find the courage to communicate them explicitly.

Take some time away from the relationship to get clear on what you need in order to function around your sibling. Figure out what restrictions there need to be when it comes to the time you spend with them, how you interact with them, and why. Don’t shy away from your ultimate truths. It’s what you need that matters in this moment.

It’s also equally important here that you leave outside pressure at the door. Your boundaries have nothing to do with the boundaries of your parents, or even your other siblings. Make choices that are right for you and your happiness and don’t expect anyone else involved to understand or validate the experience you’re in. We each have our own perception of reality. Deal with yours and allow everyone else in the family to do the same.

3. Assess the damage

You have to assess the damage left behind by your toxic sibling in order to both heal and move forward (with or without them). Until you know the extent of their impact on your wellbeing, you can’t fully express the reasons behind your desire to cut ties. Honestly look at the pain they’ve caused in your life, and any spiraling side effects that have left you more injured than they should have.

What has your sibling done to hurt you? How has that pain been cycled through your life and other relationships? Assess the damage and make a plan for moving forward. Figure it out: Once you tell them how you feel, what are you going to do next?

Stick to the facts and reconnect with the memories and the feelings they dredge up. Though we cannot dwell in the past when it comes to toxic relationships, we have to review it and learn from it in order to ensure it’s never allowed to happen again. Look at the injuries for what they truly are. Do you want to live a life in pain in their shadow? Or learn how to lead your own personally future?

4. Communicate the tough stuff

Whether you are stuck with a toxic sibling or cutting the ties once and for all, you have to communicate the tough stuff both with them…and with your family. Like it or not, you still have a responsibility to let your family know when you’re preparing to take action that also impacts them. This does not mean that your decisions are open for discussion, though, or even comment from anyone else (no matter what role they inhabit).

Write down a list of the points you want to make, then find a safe time and space to sit down with your sibling. Speak clearly, candidly and factually. Leave out blame language like, “You did this, so I did this…” and keep it as simple as possible. “This event happened, so now I am taking this specific action.”

It doesn’t matter who was right or who was wrong. This conversation isn’t about winning, or coming out on top with some type of superiority prize. It’s about letting your sibling and your family know what will no longer be accepted within the sphere of your gravity. It’s standing up for yourself and letting toxic people know that you are valuable, worthy and deserving of far more than their life-wrecking antics and negativity.

5. Let them carry their own baggage

For those who are lucky enough and strong enough to walk away, you have to stay away and commit to overcoming the pain that inevitably comes next. This happens by understanding how personal baggage works, and understanding too that we all have our own journey in this life and we aren’t beholden to anyone else’s opinion, input or assistance.

Severe ties. Cut them off. Have the self-respect to put up a wall between your wellbeing and the person who keeps trying to destroy it. You aren’t stuck with them forever. Let your toxic sibling carry their own baggage for a while and let them see how their behavior carries them with others.

Stop pretending that there is a law anywhere in this world that says you have to stay chained to someone who can’t stand to see you thrive. Would you allow your best friend to tolerate such behavior? Throw off the weight of your family’s expectations and shoulder only your own burden for a while. Lean into your newfound independence and know in your soul that you don’t ever have to go backward to a toxic person who makes you feel small.

Putting it all together…

Though our sibling relationships are meant to offer us avenues of support and acceptance, they can also be sources of great pain. Toxic siblings erode our self-esteem and can destroy our mental and physical wellbeing. We have to learn to protect ourselves against their attacks, and stand up for the things which matter most to us: peace, security and happiness — all the good we want in our futures.

Empower yourself first through acceptance. Accept who you are and accept who they are. Within that, accept the reality of your relationship too. Not every relationship was meant to thrive. Set some boundaries for yourself and give them one last opportunity to respect them. If they can’t take the hint, let them know (in no uncertain terms) what the consequences of their disrespect will be. Assess the damage they’ve left you, and get proactive about coming up with an action plan for what comes next. Someone who hurts you or disrespects you can’t stick around if you want to be happy. Say whatever you need to say to them, but let them know that you’re done being their emotional punching bag. Sever the ties and know in your heart that it’s okay to let them carry their own pain for a while. You aren’t beholden to them anymore.