Rituals can help you resolve your grief

When it comes to resolving the grief that plagues us, rituals can be a powerful tool.

by: E.B. Johnson

When we hear the word “grief” we traditionally associate it with death. Grief, however, comes in many different forms and strikes for many different reasons too. While grieving the loss of a loved one is serious and life-shattering, there are many other major life events that can elicit a similar response from us and our emotions.

Working past our grief can be transformed with the use of rituals, but only when we ask ourselves a few key questions. Learning how to deal with our grief takes understanding it and it takes a brutal and honest look at our pain and what we need to resolve it once and for all. Grief is a complex and dynamic thing with a lot of moving pieces. Facilitate your healing now by creating rituals that help you to move on.

What is grief, really?

Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind. It is not pathological and it is not a personality defect. It does not occur only when we lose a spouse, a child or a parent and it most definitely does not make us weak or less worthy for experiencing it.

You should think of your grief as a natural response whose purpose is to lead you to healing. Without grief, we would not be able to appreciate the beauty in our lives and without grief we would not be able to learn the lessons that help us to grow.

Grief is a double-edged sword in its simplest state and a powerful tool to those who know how to wield it. The trick, though, is understanding grief and knowing when a setback in your life is causing more of a disturbance than you realize.

The 5 primary types of grief.

Though we think of grief as being most intimately associated with death, it can also come as a result of an array of experiences that challenge us and the way we see ourselves in the world. You don’t have to lose a parent or a spouse to feel grief, but those are challenging facets of loss to overcome too. There are all kinds of events that trigger our sorrow and most of them fall between 5 main categories.

1. The shattering of unfulfilled hopes and dreams.

This type of grief occurs when your dreams or goals are wrenched from you painfully or unexpectedly. Characterized by a deep sense of disorientation, this grief can cause you to walk around in a fog, experiencing a deep sense of grief and unfairness.

Examples:

• An overachieving student who struggles to find a place or success in the “real world”.
• Someone on a career trajectory who finds themselves fired or “laid off” unexpectedly.
• Those living in communities with sudden and dramatic political shifts.
• A person or couple struggling with infertility.

Those who struggle with the loss of their hopes struggle to make their way in the world because their sense of failure compounds with their grief to create an impermeable sense of hopelessness. They can often find themselves making unfair comparisons and comparing their process to the process of others (somehow always finding themselves falling short.)

2. The loss of identity through role or affiliation

When we lose a core piece of our identity, it can cause us to fall into mourning for our lost sense of self. Those who lose out on who they are (through firing or any other kind of social severance) are given the monumental task of not only grieving who they thought they were, but also setting up a new story for themselves in one fell swoop.

Examples:

• A person who leaves a religious group.
• Someone going through the break down of a long-term relationship.
• Empty nesters who suddenly find themselves looking for a “purpose”.
• An individual who loses their job or switches careers suddenly.
• Breast cancer survivors who grieve a lost sense of femininity after a double mastectomy.

Some of these individuals make the choice to leave their religious community or their career. Though this might sound easier, it can actually compound the grief even further. Because the individual made the choice to end that stage of their life, they can often feel as though they don’t have a “right” to grieve or feel a sense of loss.

3. A loss of physical, emotional or mental safety

On a very primitive level, we expect to feel safe in our homes, our communities and our relationships. When we lose that sense of safety, it can have some serious consequences for our sense of self as well as our mental and emotional wellbeing.

Aside from the sense of personal violation that comes along with such a breakdown, it can also result in a sense of hyper-vigilance that causes the person to feel distinctly unsafe no matter what.

Examples:

• Survivors of physical, sexual or emotional trauma.
• A partner who has just learned their loved one is having an affair.
• Families experiencing eviction or housing instability.
• Children of divorce who lose the sense of safety they had in their “intact” family.
• Communities that encountered regular violence and destabilization.

Many of those dealing with this type of grief also suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which causes an array of other issues aside from the regular feelings of hyper-vigilance and numbness.

Those who survive trauma and violence often lose their sense of internal safety and it becomes nearly impossible for them to restore it — even when circumstances stabilize. Alongside dealing with their own feelings of constant insecurity, they are also tasked with grieving this loss while struggling to rebuild their lives.

4. Losing the ability to manage one’s own life and affairs

Losing your personal autonomy is a type of grief that can cut you to the core. We all have a need to manage our own lives and when we lose that, it can trigger a very real and very permeating sense of grief.

Examples:

• Someone who has experiences prolonged financial setbacks.
• Those who suffer from degenerative illnesses.
• Elderly or aging family members that can no longer care for themselves.

Being unable to control our own lives causes us to lose touch with who we are at our most basic and intimate level. Finding ourselves struck down with severe illness or disability causes a profound setback that marks every step we take. New forms of decline add up, and over time we find ourselves grieving for lost independence and the ability to live life actively.

Losing the ability to manage one’s own life and affairs is not only tragic, it’s one of the hardest forms of grief to face and overcome. This is because a loss of autonomy results in not only a sense of failure and despair, but it also requires the afflicted to reconceptualize who they are while they face their new limitations.

5. Losing a loved one or close companion

The loss of a loved one or a close companion creates a penetrating type of grief that can takes weeks, months and years to overcome. When we lose the people closest to us, it is like losing a piece of ourselves. Rituals can help us resolve this grief, but only when we understand it intimately for ourselves.

Examples:

• The loss of a parent, friend or relative.
• The loss of pet or companion animal.
• The loss of a spouse or child.

Losing a parent, friend or relative is a unique experience than can leave us feeling loss and struggling to regain balance. Our parents are the first reflection through which we see ourselves in the worlds, and they are one of the ways by which we define ourselves and find support in times of hardship. Their passing is an experience that is both complex and hard to put into words.

Likewise, losing a close pet or companion animal can be a shock to the system that makes it hard to regain emotional equilibrium. Our pets are important, and they mean a lot when it comes to our mental wellbeing and happiness. Perhaps greatest of all, however, is the loss of a spouse or a child. No matter how prepared you think you might be for these events, you aren’t, and managing them is a process that takes a lot of time, introspection and self-compassion.

How rituals can help us resolve our grief.

Though there are many ways to work through your grief, rituals can be a powerful tool when it comes to resolving our saddest emotions. Rituals can help us to find meaning in the darkness, and they’re also a familiar comfort — having been frequently performed in childhood and at holidays and social functions. Rituals are like a comfort food for the soul when you know how to use them, and they also hold the supreme power of symbolism.

Symbolism can be a great asset when it comes to battling your grief. Through symbolism, we prepare ourselves mentally and emotionally for important transitions that might otherwise shock our systems. You can think of it like easing yourself into a new phase of living. Rather than going in “cold turkey”, a symbolic ritual (like high school graduation) can allow you prepare yourself and embrace what otherwise might be perceived as a scary situation.

When we use symbolism, we also allow ourselves to feel good while doing something that might make us uncomfortable. Some research has shown that rituals can facilitate the body’s creation of endorphins, which help reduce anxiety and even help to reduce physical aches and pains. While in reality, a ritual may do nothing more than ease our peace of mind in a trying time, that alone is a gift when you’re suffering from grief and looking for a way out. The real secret, however, is not in copying the rituals of others — it’s in creating rituals for yourself, something that can empower you to make it through the darkest of times.

The questions you need to form your rituals.

There are a number of pre-made rituals out there, but the only way to truly empower ourselves to work past our grief is to create rituals that are entirely our own. This takes both creative and brutally honest thinking. We are the only ones who can create the grief-releasing rituals we need to start thriving again, and that comes down to asking ourselves 4 key questions.

1. What is the meaning behind your ritual?

The first place you should begin when creating a ritual that works for you is considering the meaning behind your ritual in the first place. Though we are looking to resolve our grief ultimately, we also have to consider how we want to find ourselves on the other side. The only way to get to that conclusion is to think long and hard about what you really want from your ritual.

Think about the other person and think about yourself. You can write down your ideas, answers, thoughts and feelings in a journal, or you can share them with someone you trust. Be true to what you want, and be true to what makes you feel connected to the person(s) you lost as well. These rituals are for you and you alone, but you should feel the other person there as a means of getting to the root of your grief and letting go.

Spend some time digging deep so that you can determine what you really want this ritual to mean. It might be something that just marks this new change in your life, or it might be a ceremony of letting go. Rituals can help us cut the cord, or they can help to connect us with someone we feel is gone forever. We’re the only ones who can really determine that answer, but it takes some careful, quiet consideration.

2. Where and when will your ritual take place?

Careful consideration must also be given to where and when your ritual will take place. Finding the meaning behind your ritual is only a starting place, you have to consider too the practical elements of your ritual that will allow it to happen in the first place.

Look for important dates like birthdays and anniversaries, and look too for a location that “feels right” or has special meaning. It doesn’t matter where or when your ritual takes place, but it should take place at a time that brings your lost loved one to mind, or in a place that makes you feel reconnected with them.

While churches, synagogues and mosques might be common places for these rituals to take place, there truly are no limits. Connect to the meaning behind your ritual and apply it to the location that you’re looking for. Rituals can bring significance to any location, so pick one that is comfortable and pleasing for you.

3. Who’s going to attend your ritual?

One of the best aspects of rituals is that they can not only take place anywhere, they can also be solitary affairs or community-packed occasions. Once you’ve established meaning and sorted out the perfect location, the next question you have to ask yourself is, “Who’s going to be present for this ritual?” When you’re honest with yourself about where you are and what you want, this answer can often be surprising.

Take some time alone (in a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted) and consider whether or not having others there will truly allow you to connect with the person that you’ve lost. Keep the meaning behind your ritual in mind, and think too about the location that’s going to help you to connect in those last and final moments. Sometimes, having people there to support you is for the best, but sometimes it isn’t. Get real and brutally honest about what you need. After all, this is about resolving your grief.

The important thing, when it comes to considering a potential guest list, is to reflect on the overall goals of the ritual. It’s okay to be a little selfish, and it’s okay to do the ritual on your own if that’s what feels right. You don’t owe anyone else your emotional labour when you’re trying to work consciously through your own hardships. We are all responsible for our own baggage, and grief is no different. Only we can heal ourselves, and only we know what the right way to grieve is for ourselves.

4. What will your ritual entail?

The final consideration when it comes to creating the perfect ritual to resolve your grief is simply to consider what your ritual will actually entail. Rituals aren’t just about going to a place and expressing some thoughts. By nature, rituals require action and that action can only be defined by you and your needs. Ask yourself not only who will be present, and what the ultimate goal and meaning will be. Ask yourself too what your ritual will actually be.

Think about the kinds of activities, actions or pastimes that most connect you to the person that you lost, or the meaning behind your ritual. It could be comprised of other ritualistic activities you’ve seen, or it could be made up entirely of activities that are unique to you and the person you’re trying to remember and reconnect with. Do what works best for you and — again — let go of the judgements and needs of others.

Finally, put your ideas into action and perform your ritual in the place and time that suits you. Really put yourself into it and ask that others do the same, so you can respectfully remember the spouse, loved one or family member that’s been taken from you. Don’t feel silly, and put your thoughts and considerations for others in the back of your mind. Right here, in this moment, is about you and your grief. Learn how to let it go so that you can get back to happiness and creating a new life that works for you and your wellbeing.

Putting it all together…

Losing a loved one is perhaps one of the hardest things we can experience in this life. Our parents, friends, spouses, children and loved ones are the mirrors by which we see our reflection within the world. Losing them can cause us to lose ourselves, but rituals can be a good way to bring back what we lost and find a way to live happily alongside the memories of what can never be again.

Get real with your grief and build the understanding you have of that grief and how it affects you. Then, you can start forming the rituals you need to put the pieces of your life back together just by asking yourself a few key questions. Consider the meaning you need to find behind your ritual, and consider too where and when your ritual will (best) take place. Once you know what you want your ritual to mean, and where you want it to happen, you can move on to thinking about who you want beside you when you make this final transition. Do you want to go it alone, or do you need others there to support you in your time of need? Only you can answer that question, and only you know what you need to work past your grief once and for all. Rituals are a great way to do that, but they have to be defined by us and us alone. Build a grief-releasing ritual that works for you and think carefully about what that looks like.