What World Cup Squad Would Your Favorite Sports Team Root For?

Are you a Notre Dame fan? Patriots? Warriors? Cavs? Packers? We’ve got JUST the World Cup team for you…

So you’re finally ready to pick a World Cup team to root for. Maybe it’s all the upsets that piqued your interest or maybe the late goals. Maybe you just need something to hold you over until the NBA Draft and NFL minicamps. Heck maybe you’ve been watching all along but you’re missing Team USA and just need someone new to throw your support behind.

Whatever the case, you’ve come to the right place. Are you a lifelong Notre Dame fan? A diehard Packers fan? Are you for Warriors or Cavs? Kentucky or Duke basketball? The Red Sox or the Lakers? The 2018 World Cup has a team for everyone. Here’s who you should root for based on your favorite team from other sports…

If you root for… GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS You should cheer for… BRAZIL

You’re the best ever, or at least you sure think so. You’re every casual fan’s favorite team, and we’d recognize those bright yellow uniforms anywhere. Congratulations on lucking into the most talent in the world, even if it doesn’t always fit together properly. Just don’t let anyone tell you all that ball movement and creativity isn’t the beautiful game.

If you root for… NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS You should cheer for… GERMANY

Somehow, you’re always in the mix. Maybe it’s the genius coach everybody hates. Maybe it’s just the system that always produces. Either way, you’re the Evil Empire and you pretty much always make a deep run.

If you root for… KENTUCKY BASKETBALL UNDER CALIPARI You should cheer for… FRANCE

You are the best team in all the land and always have been, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise (never mind that you’ve only actually won one title). Who needs chemistry and strategy when you can just have the most talented roster, even if the pieces never quite fit? At least you’ll be one of the favorites going into the tournament… as long as the constant coaching issues and internal strife don’t ruin everything again.

If you root for… BAYLOR You should cheer for… NIGERIA

Nobody knows much about you, but everyone’s talking about those uniforms. Love em or hate em, they’ve certainly caught our attention. And who doesn’t love a team that always seems to have a good scandal waiting in the wings?

If you root for… GONZAGA BASKETBALL You should cheer for… ICELAND

You’re a tiny nation in the middle of nowhere and don’t have many options in your player pool, but apparently that doesn’t matter. Everyone’s favorite sleeper, you’ve gone from scrappy underdog Cinderella to perennial overachiever. Whether it’s the Viking clap or some sort of Pacific Northwest rain dance (??), your fans are always fun — and LOUD.

If you root for… PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS You should cheer for… JAPAN

You play an exciting style and have a couple recognizable stars that have been around forever, but we all know how this is going to turn out. You’ll score some pretty goals and may even spring an upset, but you’re not making a real run without any defense.

If you root for… JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS You should cheer for… QATAR

Look, the only way you’re ever getting to the dance is if we let you host it. And even then, we’re gonna try to take it away and move you somewhere that makes more sense for everyone, like London.

If you root for… THE SOVIET UNION You should cheer for… RUSSIA

Look, some of these are easy. Cheater.

If you root for… CLEVELAND CAVALIERS You should cheer for… PORTUGAL

Thirty-three years ago, God reached down from heavens and crafted the perfect human specimen from the dust of your lands to rule your sport like no one has before. He’s your ride or die, your alpha and omega, your greatest of all time, and you’ll never hear another word otherwise. Teammates? Yeah they’re around, but mostly just for whining and flopping. Whatever. The fact that you’re so good in spite of them is just further evidence of the GOAT. And no matter what happens this year, you’ll always have 2016.

If you root for… IVERSON ERA SIXERS You should cheer for… POLAND

You are a bad team with a bunch of bad players and one that’s really, really good and has to score all the points on his own. But you gamed the system and made the Finals anyway thanks to an easy path and a weak conference. Enjoy your beat down.

If you root for… GREEN BAY PACKERS You should cheer for… ARGENTINA

You enjoy a long storied tradition and have lived your entire life having lucked into not one but TWO of the greatest ever quarterbacking your team. Too bad the rest of the roster never seems to get the job done. And don’t tell anyone, but even though the new guy is clearly superior , darn it if your heart won’t always sit with the guy he replaced, the one who forever stole your heart.

If you root for… WISCONSIN BASKETBALL You should cheer for… COSTA RICA

You play a dirty defensive style that’s effective enough but awful to watch in a conference full of ugly play. Yeah, we know, you were good a few years ago. Seriously, just go away.

If you root for… DUKE BASKETBALL You should cheer for… URUGUAY

Sure, you won a few championships and used to be the best in the sport, but that was a long time ago and honestly, people hate you. Maybe it’d help if you didn’t always have such unlikable players or if the best player currently on your team wasn’t a giant cheating dick.

If you root for… DUKE FOOTBALL You should cheer for… AUSTRALIA

You’re really good… at other sports. Just wait until the basketball tournament or the rugby one or cricket or lacrosse or anything else, seriously, why does everyone have to care so much about this sport? Sigh.

If you root for… TORONTO RAPTORS You should cheer for… SWITZERLAND

All your best players are imports, and you come from a peaceful land that tends to remain neutral on the world stage. And yeah, I guess you’re a solid team, but come on… no one takes you seriously.

If you root for… SAN ANTONIO SPURS You should cheer for… SPAIN

It’s hard to imagine a competition without you among the favorites, but even though your dynasty feels like it’s been around forever, it’s actually relatively recent. Built by a legendary coach your core of aging stars are trying to stay relevant while transitioning to the next generation. Your team revolutionized the sport with your tika taka style of ball movement that’s now pervasive… even if secretly you’re moving to a more traditional style built around a slower plodding big man up front.

If you root for… 2014–15 ATLANTA HAWKS You should cheer for… MOROCCO

You took one good look at the recent champion’s style and thought hey, let’s just do that. Whether it was hiring Spurs assistant Mike Budenholzer and adapting their team-first pace-and-space mentality or copying your northern neighbors’ tika taka passing, you’re a fun low-budget spinoff.

If you root for… NEW YORK KNICKS You should cheer for… ENGLAND

You are focused on past glory and think your team invented the sport, and even though it’s been a little rough lately, you know better days are just around the corner. Your roster is littered with names we know (never mind they aren’t good anymore), and you’re a championship team (or at least you were that one time 50 years ago). Your fans’ constant arrogance would be super annoying if it wasn’t so cute, and everyone finds immense schadenfreude when you are eliminated yet again in spectacular fashion.

If you root for… DALLAS COWBOYS You should cheer for… oh wait, we just did you.

If you root for… EVERY 16-SEED EVER (except UMBC) You should cheer for… SAUDI ARABIA

You are the worst team in the field, you’re taking someone else’s spot, and you’re only here because we had to bring someone from your region. Just try not to embarrass us.

If you root for… NEW ORLEANS PELICANS You should cheer for… SERBIA

You’re super tall. Honestly, that’s really it.

If you root for… NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL You should cheer for… BELGIUM

You have a super talented roster full of players we know because they’re always on NBC, and the media cannot get enough of your guys. No, seriously, we’re almost positive this is finally your year.

If you root for… DALLAS MAVERICKS You should cheer for… SWEDEN

But only if Dirk Nowitzki suddenly retires this offseason but your team rebounds to make a surprise run and then inexplicably doesn’t invite Dirk back to join the team for the playoffs. Miss you, Zlatan.

If you root for… PRE-2004 BOSTON RED SOX You should cheer for… COLOMBIA

You have a lot of history, but not the kind of history you want. For all the talent in the world, you just can’t put it together. Whether it’s Bill Buckner or Andres Escobar (oh hey, Carlos Sanchez!!), someone always makes the world’s biggest blunder at the exact wrong time. But hey, at least Boston folks would never run a drug empire, hide a mafia gang, or murder their star player when he cost them on the biggest stage.

If you root for… ARIZONA COYOTES You should cheer for… TUNISIA

You are bad and irrelevant and no one should root for you. Sorry.

If you root for… BUFFALO BILLS You should cheer for… PERU

Heyyyy, first time, long time!! It’s been awhile, glad to have you back. I’m sure this will end super well for you. Some free advice… try not to bench your star player again in a key game — just take it from Thurman Thomas and Paolo Guerrero. Let’s just hope we don’t have yet another game that comes down to an important kick with everyone watching. Hey, at least it wasn’t wide right.

If you root for… LOYOLA CHICAGO You should cheer for… SENEGAL

You’ve only been here once, but what a run it was! You stormed through your conference and look like a real sleeper, but no one knows much about you because you’re from a mid major. How do you keep winning all these games? No seriously, do you is Sister Jean from Senegal or something?

If you root for… UTAH JAZZ You should cheer for… CROATIA

People tend to forget about you, but you’re honestly pretty good. You’ve got that one guy that’s really solid, and that other young dude looks awesome! You could be a sleeper, you really could be. And your new uniforms are absolutely top notch.

If you root for… EVERY TOM THIBODEAU TEAM You should cheer for… IRAN

You are a super boring defensive team that won’t do anything particularly useful, and your only real role is to ruin another team’s chances. In your perfect world, every game would end 0–0. And you have no room in your life for a woman.

If you root for… LOS ANGELES LAKERS You should cheer for… ITALY

You used to be a perennial superpower but you’ve really only made one deep title run in the last forever, and you’re not even good enough to make the playoffs now. Seriously, get over yourselves.

If you root for… PHILADELPHIA EAGLES RIGHT AFTER CARSON WENTZ GOT HURT You should cheer for… EGYPT

You got excited all season long about your new MVP candidate, only to have him go down injured just weeks before the playoffs. Will he be able to play again? Are you completely screwed without him? That remains to be seen, but this is your first legitimately good team in a really long time, so enjoy it.

If you root for… NEW MEXICO STATE You should cheer for… KOREA

Yeah, we know, you’re in this tournament every single year. Congratulations on your crappy conference. You’re not fooling anyone.

If you root for… THAT 7-SEED MID-MAJOR BID THIEF THAT MADE IT INTO MARCH MADNESS WITH A CRAZY BUZZER BEATER You should cheer for… PANAMA

Congratulations on going dancing for the first time ever, but you took our spot, and now we hate you forever.

If you root for… 2018 BOSTON CELTICS You should cheer for… MEXICO

I know, I know, we’re all supposed to hate you, but darn it, this team is actually kind of fun. And you know what, the heck with it, we’ll root for anyone if it means taking down the giant of the sport, even if you’re our sworn enemy. You’re young and talented and have a coach that will try anything, and you’re almost impossible to beat at home (but could you tell your fans to please stop throwing bags of pee?). Just know that we’re jumping right back off the bandwagon next year. This was a one-time deal.

If you root for… BASEBALL You should cheer for… DENMARK

Oops, sorry. Almost forgot about you.

Follow Brandon on Medium or @wheatonbrando for more sports, humor, pop culture, and life musings. Visit the rest of Brandon’s writing archives here. Thanks to Jonny, Rob, Tyler, Luke, Geese, Wes, and others for contributing.