avatarAnand Damani

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Abstract

p id="db15">For example, my husband put a stop to my way of trying to get our son to eat his meals and stop being fussy because it just wasn’t working. After a certain period of time of him implementing his own way of doing things, which was firmer and stricter than I would’ve liked, I started to see some changes in my son and how he would sit down to eat the entire plate of food in front of him.</p><p id="21fa">Now, Andriel looks forward to sitting down next to his parents and mostly eats his entire plate, including the veg. My husband was right, and I was wrong — at least for a period of time (because no one knows the future and kids are unpredictable!)</p><p id="60fc"><b>But my husband didn’t say “I told you so”.</b> He didn’t discredit me as a mother, even if I did question my own decision making. He understood that being wrong is not a bad thing, and also, that <b>I wasn’t “wrong” to begin with</b>. Some things work, and some things don’t work for our children. And some things work for a while and then need to be changed. And that’s OK.</p><p id="4e9d">Parenting, while continuous, is flexible.</p><p id="ec93"><a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-successfully-wing-it-d39222a3d808">And we are all winging it.</a></p><h1 id="101b">Lowering Expectations Is Empowering</h1><p id="cde5">I have this constant need as the main caregiver to simply know what to do and get it right — especially after all the research I do on many aspects of parenting. But the thing is, it is only because of my own expectations that we get upset when things don’t work out. We paint a picture of how things will go, and when they don’t go our way, we self-criticise.</p><p id="3b33">Recently, I have been struggling to make the decision of whether to send our son to daycare. Because of the recent lockdowns, I feared that he wasn’t getting enough social stimulation and he needed to spend more time with other children. We decided to send him to a local nursery two mornings a week.</p><p id="fec8">But that wasn’t my only reason for wanting to send him there. I also needed more time to really step up my game as a writer, begin marketing myself and really work on my book.</p><p id="fa4a">But I’m tired of questioning myself, and <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-get-what-you-want-1973fd008ecb">since taking the road to self-care</a> in order to be a better mother and person, I decided that my reasons were as good as any to send Andriel to daycare at the age of 27 months.</p><p id="d466">It has only been a few weeks, and so far, he does not look forward to going there. I feel in fact he has become shier and clingier than usual. This makes me question once again whether what I am doing is right, and whether the caregivers at the centre are doing right by my son.</p><p id="93a8"><b>I’m ready to assign blame and judge because this is what we do as people growing up in today’s society.</b></p><div id="5778" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/learning-to-enjoy-motherhood-guilt-free-966e7fa38d58"> <div> <div> <h2>Learning To Enjoy Motherhood Guilt-Free</h2> <div><h3>undefined</h3></div> <div><p>undefined</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*o44YftcYVXjSo_va)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="d0f8">But I have to remember that it will solve nothing. I need to readjust my expectations and remind myself that everything takes time and that obstacles are all part of the journey, including my son’s settling in time at daycare.</p><p id="1231">He will get there because he is a strong and sociable little boy. He will be fine because he will still have an abundance of love at home waiting for him when he gets back and throughout the rest of the week. But I cannot decide how and when he will be running happily into nursery in the mornings — that’s a picture I need to let go of, but treasure if it happens.</p><p id="b15a">Sometimes, it

Options

is our expectations that need change, not our circumstances. We have to be OK with hiccups in parenting. Rather, we need not see them as hiccups, but as part of the process of bringing up children. After all, we are only human.</p><h1 id="7806">Takeaway</h1><figure id="facf"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*0ZLtDIAU40LQtOeo"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@drezart?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral">Andrae Ricketts</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="f3a0">I believe in a mother’s instinct, but I don’t believe in the expectation that it will be there when we need it. If that expectation isn’t met then we will be more than ready to assign blame, and it won’t help us grow as parents or as individuals. In fact, I think that the constant need to meet these expectations is what causes us to feel like a failure at some point in our lives.</p><p id="b5d4">Instead, I recommend a more supportive plan, where advice can be handed out without coming across as all-knowing and dismissive of the parent. We can learn not to feel offended at others’ suggestions in the same way that others can learn not to be judgemental. I advise that others do get involved in taking care of kids, in a non-judgemental “I-told-you-so” way when the main interest is that of the child — not of themselves.</p><p id="1680">Most importantly, we have to learn that <b>mistakes are normal</b>, and most of the time, they’re not life-threatening. We are all human after all, and that makes us susceptible to countless errors over the course of time. In modern parenting, most parents are learning not to scold their kids when they make mistakes because it’s detrimental to their confidence building. <i>We should take that same approach with ourselves and other adults.</i></p><p id="93d5">So, let’s cut ourselves a little slack, and lower that pressure to get it right. Nobody is born a parent with experience.</p><div id="2a67" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/redefining-the-concept-of-happiness-16e5524c2b2d"> <div> <div> <h2>Redefining the Concept of Happiness</h2> <div><h3>How I’m learning about fulfilment from my toddler son.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*6xDaJcMnjn9r6Bow)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="88c4" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-battle-with-anger-as-a-parent-24e7837c5fac"> <div> <div> <h2>My Battle With Anger As a Parent</h2> <div><h3>Ensuring our son feels loved regardless of our feelings.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*Me4slkvdZGGCbsbjqQ_7bg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="c95b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-husband-is-a-damn-good-father-de20d1ef2217"> <div> <div> <h2>My Husband Is A Damn Good Father</h2> <div><h3>And he deserves praise.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Oqw-YSI_IVOLn-k0)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="7dcc"><b><i>Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. <a href="https://medium.com/@sylviaemokpae">See more work like this</a>.</i></b></p><p id="f728"><a href="https://twitter.com/SylviaEmokpae"><b>Follow her</b></a><b> on Twitter.</b></p></article></body>

Reading Challenge: Weekly Reading Insights by Anand Damani

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

Hello, readers of ILLUMINATION!

We are fortunate enough to be surrounded by a community dedicated to reading. Responding to Dr. Mehmet Yildiz’s reading challenge, I am putting together my readings on ILLUMINATION with my take:

  1. The Japanese Kaizen — A Method For Transforming Habits

Riya Pant has beautifully explained how to commit to goals and how to use goals to get inspired. You should not allow your goals to scare and freeze you into inaction.

Riya describes the Kaizen method from Japan, which is all about aiming for humongous progress, focusing on small and conscious steps, one at a time.

Small but consistent steps over a period of time will transform into a habit. This will result in significant improvements in the capability and achievements.

In a nutshell, your goals need to be attainable and not audacious. If you are struggling to set the right goals and achieve them, I’d recommend this story by Riya.

2. What Is Wrong With Living an Ordinary Life?

This question has existed throughout the recent periods of rapid industrialization, consumerism, and excessive focus on the materialistic lifestyle.

In this article, Zul Bal decodes the existential natural laws of ‘being’ in a very logical way. You can refer to my article on being and existence to understand more about the topic.

Burnout and overproduction are being faced by the planet. Human beings are the culprits as well as the victims. Thanks to Zul Bal for championing the cause of ordinary normal human life. Being aligned with all the other elements in nature instead of being in competition with them is the essence.

And yes, nothing is wrong with living and loving your ordinary life, as it is.

3. Inquisition

What is that we live for? A very important question raised by Ali Qutmiera. I am sure this question has crossed the mind of anyone who has ever pondered the meaning and purpose of life.

I have tried answering this question in light of the ‘philosophy of coexistence’ from different angles in my writings. Here are some stories for those who wish to look at the many angles with which we need to explore, understand, and realize the existential reality of existing:

4. Why Do We Wait for a New Week, Month, or Year to Start Something New?

The power of human imagination has been showcased by Matthew Taylor in this article.

You have the free will to imagine and form your beliefs. Your imagination is what makes you different from the animals. Due to lack of knowledge about the “reality” of existence, you have been forming beliefs that are invalid and do not align with the existential reality “as it is”.

You can understand this as misuse of the power of imagination and it is the root cause of many of the problems of the planet.

Here is how you can know, change, and use this power of imagination and manage belief systems:

5. Know Thyself

Knowing yourself is the essence of a happy, fulfilling life. Existential knowledge of the self is a great accomplishment.

This is a holistic approach where Ali stresses on having a complete understanding of self. In his words, “The sooner we embark on our journey of pure introspection — consciously examining and acknowledging our faults and weaknesses — the sooner we turn our weaknesses into strengths.”

All science till today and all religious scriptures till today have studied everything else, but alas, ignored knowing oneself. This is a fact. Now, this knowledge has been made possible. This will help humanity stop behaving in inhuman ways and harming each other and the planet.

Once human behavior starts then all the 7.7 billion people will live in harmony and coexist. The other alternative is they blow themselves and the planet out of existence. The future will unfold.

In one of my articles titled You = Physical Body + Transcendental Soul, I have tried to explain the existential reality that is a union of matter and consciousness. I’m sure this post will help you find your relevance and purpose in the bigger picture.

6. 9 Quotes of Dale Carnegie in the Time of Pandemic

I enjoyed reading this piece. It has timeless quotes from Dale Carnegie that reflect the character that is needed today. Rubaiyat Rahman has put together quotes that will give you much-needed positivity amidst this ongoing pessimistic and gloomy atmosphere all around.

My favorites are:

  • “If you want to keep happiness, you have to share it.”
  • “Every day is a new life to a wise man”

I have tried to collate quotes by many authors and rephrase them according to the newfound knowledge of coexistence. If you want to take a look, they are here:

7. What is the Essence of Life?

I am in awe of this poetic piece by Martine Weber. The following stanza captures the essence of life as well as this story:

“All life is beautiful, a precious gift, and so are you. Do not waste any minute by accumulating regrets. Instead, lead your life by seizing the present moment, making fond memories by cherishing all happenings.”

I have written a post along the same lines, where I have attempted to explain the essence of human life — Humane Behavior- Way to achieve Universal Utopia. It is not poetic as Martine’s piece, but the gist is pretty much the same.

8. Defining Happiness

Thong Teck Yew covers a lot of good points around happiness and concludes the story on a positive note.

In truth, happiness isn’t a pursuit, it’s an essential ingredient of life. Happiness is your default factory setting as a human being. Naturally, you will always find it difficult to function without contentment and happiness.

I have published a few stories explaining the default setting of happiness in human beings:

9. Change Your Perspective On Truth

Daniel G. Clark argues that truth is a slippery concept to deal with, that truth is an abstract concept and changes with perceptions.

Reality is what is in existence. The truth is what you perceive it to be using your imagination. Man is the only species on earth that has this gift of Imagination. Using this, you can believe as a fact (truth in your mind) while it is not there in reality.

10. Daily Editorial Bulletins of ILLUMINATION by Dr. Mehmet Yildiz

This compilation by Ming Qian provides a quick reference to various tips that helps a publication grow exponentially within the Medium Network. The simple way in which it creates space for new writers to find peers and connect is magical, to say the least.

The existence is so simple and so real and yet we fail to see it. It is the same with the writers on Medium. Such simple steps for networking yield enormous results.

11. The Mystery Of Death

This story by Kevin Buddaeus is all about knowing what happens when you die. Kevin starts off by discussing how there is no true scientific explanation of death which is true. He then talks about near-death experiences and also mentions a personal account.

Kevin explores all possible angles around the subject of death. He concludes on the note that you will never know what is there on the other side until you die, till then, live to the fullest.

I have tried to decode the mystery of what happens when you die in my articles.

Here is another story explaining what is death? how can we rise above the fear of death?

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