Waning Libido? Let’s Light up the Flame

I do admit to having had the occasional almost primal urge to climax, that took over my disconnected mindset and shouted to be heard.

When I first began blogging on my WordPress site in 2017, I met a wonderfully honest writer called Nero. He is on Medium — Nero J. Black. His blog was full of many true stories about his wife. And he would be the first to admit that at times the content became a little repetitive.

Nero’s Wife

His main topic was all about the state of his wife’s libido. Over the years I laughed along, shaking my head and even chastised him over his posts now and then. Indeed, at times I felt like I had become his nagging wife. But all the while I found his writing compelling as it was clearly real life. If research was carried out on his posts, we would probably discover some vital clues about the libido of a fifty-something woman who had been married for twenty odd years.

If you allow your libido to wither, it will eventually die. Nero Black…

The Cambridge Dictionary describes libido as: a person’s sexual desire.

My Libido

During the lock-down my libido was pretty much non-existent. Disease is not sexy. My living circumstances were not sexy. So it is hardly surprising I wasn’t feeling sexy at all. Though I do admit to having had the occasional almost primal urge to orgasm, that took over my disconnected mindset and shouted to be heard. But it was rare.

And to be honest, it is not surprising, sex was the last thing on my mind at that time. I really felt I was trying to survive, and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs would have come into play.

Libido refers to the psychological aspect of sexual desire. Which means a person’s changing mindset is bound to have an effect on their libido. And after the lockdown my libido returned, almost in celebration. But I am a woman in her 50s who has gone through the menopause — men-o-pause — so having sex sometimes feels like a need rather than a rampant want.

However, I do agree with Nero’s comment above about the libido withering if not put to use. This thought got me thinking about his determination to long-windedly, record the peaks and troughs of his wife’s libido, and I decided to ask the man some questions…

Nero's advice on how to ignite your libido:

What do you think can be done to raise libido? You can read more erotica and discover what themes and genres arouse you most. Literotica is probably the most popular global free site and has both short and long form stories. The quality varies greatly, but you’ll soon find the stuff you like and can focus on that. If you have a partner, you can try watching porn together. But being a visual medium, there is little left to the imagination.

A good author can write erotica which allows your imagination to run riot. Whereas porn clips generally do not — it’s all there explicitly on the screen. I’d liken erotic fiction to a bottle of wine you can slowly savour.

Porn clips are more like preloading with a round of shots in the car park before ducking into a party.

PornHub (PHub) is the biggest global player for free online porn clips, but bear in mind all free porn sites are driven by clicks and therefore favour extreme content to grab eyeballs. Their algorithms are more likely to offer you jackhammer penises with a side of choking and spitting than they are romantic story-lines leading to steamy sex. For some, this will be more of a turn-off than a libido enhancer. Much like Netflix, you can spend a lot of time browsing PHub before finding something you like. The good news is every kink is catered for, no matter how obscure, if you know the right search words.

Q: I have read that arousal is not always directly related to libido. What are your thoughts on this? I’ve always considered libido as brain function and arousal as physical function. Libido is desire, and arousal is the manifestation of the desire.

Q: You mention above — If you allow your libido to wither, it will eventually die. Explain further. As the song by ‘The Emotions’ goes, love is a flower, sent from above. You need to feed your libido or it will die. It dies when you no longer see yourself as a sexual being, and it’s clearly linked to self-esteem. For whatever reason — (you put on weight, you got rejected sexually, someone laughed or was mean to you) — you think you’re not worthy of sexual attention and so you shun it. We all know the tropes about people who squish their feelings deep down inside and become emotionally damaged — well, it’s the same for libido. You can hide it in some dark corner of your psyche, but if you push it too far away, it’s hard to get it back.

Treat your libido like a houseplant. Keep it fed and watered and give it plenty of light and it will thrive.

Read those dirty books, flirt with people on social media, and watch whatever excites. Even if you don’t have a partner to share your sexy self with, you can take matters into your own hands, so to speak, and fly solo.

Q: If libido is related to the way a person feels mentally, perhaps it would be prudent to work on that aspect first? Definitely true! As I said above, if you don’t feel you’re worthy or deserving of love or physical affection, you’re going to find yourself in a self-perpetuating loop of enforced celibacy. Some positive self affirmations will do wonders for a flagging libido. Tell yourself you’re a sexy motherfucker before heading out, and you’ll find people will respond differently. This works for partnered folk too. Maybe you haven’t been intimate for a while, but if you think sexy, you’ll be sexy. You don’t have to go all Tony Robbins, but if you think positive thoughts, you’ll be more attractive to your partner. Moody and morose only works for emo bois and goth girls.

The caveat is that yes, by all means work on your mental health, but don’t get bogged down by it. Don’t wallow in self-pity, wondering why no one will love you, it’s a waste of time. Assuming you don’t have an emotionally abusive partner, sometimes it’s okay just to have sex, even though you might not feel 100% into it. ‘Just do it’ is a motto some sex therapists use, as a means to get you back on the horse and riding again. You might not feel like getting back in the saddle, but once you’re there you remember how good it was, and away you go... Yee-ha!

I have always admired how Nero can go straight to the heart of sexual matters while also understanding that our minds and how we feel are an integral part of the equation. I think he should consider becoming a relationship therapist of some kind. What do you say, Nero?

There are a few things I totally agree with. First, if you don't try and portray an air of confidence or positivity, why the hell would anyone believe in you? It’s your life, everyone else are just players. Just like you are a player in their world. Be true and optimistic.

The other thing is something I have actually done many times: have sex for sex’s sake. Why not? It is a physical act, you can wrap it up in as much or as little emotion as you want. Your choice.

Now… Go light the flame!

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More of Nero’s wisdom, collaborating with Posy Churchgate - Writes & Edits Fiction