Two Viewpoints on the Orgasm Gap

Should we consider reaching orgasm the bullseye? Perhaps with the benefit of age and experience we can view all layers of arousal as the target

I read a lot — always have, I hope I always will. My parents were both big readers and nobody ever ‘censored’ my reading material, so as a young teen I devoured books which contained sexy incidents. I’ve shared here how books and the lyrics in songs induced curiosity about my body and sexual experiences to be derived from alone time. I’m a CiS female and by the time I was 18, despite plenty of self petting, I’d had no experience with boys.

I was beginning to think of my ‘virginity’ as bothersome. A thing of which I’d feel embarrassed to confess ownership, when the time came to get intimate with a partner. It was unexpected and disappointing when my first 3 encounters of foreplay with another left me feeling underwhelmed and frustrated.

I’d been forewarned by my mother that losing my virginity might be more uncomfortable than exciting

This did not protect me from the crushing disappointment when fooling around with youthful boyfriends only got me slightly horny and they seemed hell bent on their pleasure, with no effort made to make me cum. A guy could easily go off like a rocket, while my reward was a slight buzz. The sensations they evoked in me, but did not follow through on, left such unsatisfied urges that I suffered cramps like period pains. This made me feel just as grumpy. I knew from solo play that I could scale mountains of great pleasure, but the boys did not seem to have the wherewithall to take me there.

I invited my friend Nero Black as expert for sharing the male standpoint on the orgasm gap.

Here’s a window on his experiences:

In my early twenties my dick was always rock hard — the proverbial ‘rod of iron’ — and women my age were keen to see it, touch it, grab it, and stuff it into their tight little pussies and make it squirt. If I could make them cum too then that was a bonus — but that was never the focus of our sexual encounters.

Back then (the 80s) women seemed more intent on getting the men off, almost as if that was the measure of their sexual power: “I can make you cum — with my hand, my mouth, or my cunt — and leave you begging for more.”

You should know I also worked diligently at giving back to my partners the same sexual pleasure they had given me. ‘Reciprocity’ was a real thing, baby. Using my hand, my mouth, or my cock — I’d leave them begging for more; Or wanted to.

Of course it was easier when they were in the 18–22 age bracket. It was all new and exciting to them and (yes, I’ll say it) it didn’t take much to get them wet and ready to fuck. By the time they were in their mid to late twenties however it was a whole new ball game — they’d had plenty of lovers and plenty of cock and (more importantly) plenty of bad sex. Enough to dampen their spirits, enough to make them look at you and think “yeah, I like you, but can you make me climax?”

As a man, being young dumb and full of cum wasn’t enough anymore. That’s when I first noticed the disparity. We were now both older, arguably ‘wiser’, and starting to replace hook ups with relationships. I’m told it’s different now but in the 90s the orgasm gap was accepted. You both worked on it — sometimes trying recreational drugs, toys, and kink — but invariably you’d ‘nest’ and just accept the 60/40 ratio.

Which gets even wider as you get older…

Posy’s timeline continues:

At 19 I met my first serious boyfriend. Although he was more experienced, we learned together. I flatter myself that I was more open minded than his previous girlfriends. A handful of stories are fictionalized versions of sexy times with him.

Centrefold Toy Story Paradise by the Dashboard Light

I grew frustrated with our sex life towards the end, when familiarity bred contempt. No longer struggling to find a time and a safe location for our saucy encounters, we lost the spark and grew complacent. We had bills to pay, our friends and interests began to diverge same, we outgrew each other.

Launching myself back on the dating scene at 26 was tough, I wasn’t accustomed to the ‘game’ of flirting. I’d grown used to being open and asking for what I wanted instead of being coy, withholding attention and stringing things out. I slept with a few jerks, had unpleasant fumbles with a few more, being coaxed to endure blind dates by well meaning friends. It was a bumpy ride but I eventually found Mr Right.

But the orgasm gap was an issue during that phase. Guys put their moves on me, but few (if any) were trying to give me a sexual experience I would never forget, their goal was to ‘get their end away’. I remember one doing nothing but playing with my tits. This made me feel disgusted with myself, because not only was I not even slightly aroused, I realised I didn’t even like him. I had a suspicion that he was just working his way through ‘the bases’ until I allowed him to have penetrative sex (which I didn’t). We never went out again.

The 4 Relationship Bases

First Base — Kissing Second Base — Heavy Petting/Manual Stimulation Third Base — Oral Stimulation Home Run — Penetrative Sex

During my unfortunate ‘dating’ phase I relied heavily on my vibrator. A necessary aid to relaxion which provided the orgasms that the awkward fumblings left me craving.

Even once I began dating my OH, I still used it until we learned to have mutually satisfying sex. I was the more experienced one, and feared scaring him off by getting too bossy in the bedroom. It was a long while before I ‘floated’ the idea of using toys as well as body parts to enhance our sexual satisfaction. From the outset, he enjoyed my use of lingerie, but in the fullness of time vibrators spiced up our sex life. Much later I felt able to ask for the longer foreplay which my body needed.

At wedding preparation classes, the Vicar put forward this description of Male V Female Arousal, which I’ve always thought was sound logic.

Men are like a gas hob — turn it on and you have heat instantly Women are like an electric ring — after flicking the switch, you should allow it to warm up

Fast forward to my perimenopause, my sex drive began to outstrip that of my OH. This was a bonus for us both, as it coincided with me owning more sex toys and us having more instances with the house to ourselves! Another happy coincidence was a newfound awareness that I could have more than one orgasm (in my 20s and 30s I was a 1 and done person).

I read an article about the orgasm gap. The author encouraged females to just ‘go for it’ during sex; to pursue our orgasms as single-mindedly as plenty of men do.

So many times I’d been ‘nearly there’, but because my man wasn’t yet, I’d held off my climax, which had resulted in it evading me entirely. Once I gave myself permission to cum first, this led to the discovery that I could sometimes orgasm again, synchronised with my lover thundering over the finish line himself. Win win!

I acknowledge that my man and I might be experiencing another orgasm gap right now, but it was being masked by lockdown. With one of our grown-up children living at home, it’s hard to fin opportunities for sex. However, we encourage each other to grab solo play moments whenever they present themselves.

My sex drive has reduced a lot in the last 18 months (under pressure from bereavement, lockdown, my menopause), which I also noticed had an effect on my erotic writing. My partner’s libido is being changed by age too.

We enjoyed a mini break together recently, reaffirming that our sex life is alive and well, but altered in how we tackle maintenance of arousal and pursuit of orgasm. Again I turned to my arsenal of alluring lingerie and variety of toys which vibrate or penetrate, and fun was had by both parties. Now the emphasis is on play and pleasure but taking it in turns as to who would be the focus of attention.

As always, communication is our key. In this case, as with other challenges we’ve faced, it has and will help pull us through.

Big thanks to Nero for his pithy contribution; I originally wrote this post to link up with#WickedWednesday, #TheMenopauseDiaries & #4 Thoughts or Fiction meme where the very valid topic of Orgasm Gap was under discussion.