NONFICTION
Understanding BDSM Limits and Ethics
I don’t believe that you need to have been personally involved in BDSM to write about it. But, please research and speak to those who have…
As I have meandered along my own sexuality journey, I have often thought that on occasions I just want the pleasure of receiving the pain. Not the sex.
Adding BDSM Practices to my life
I was a long time coming to terms with what I thought was a taboo need in me. And before I realised pain and pleasure did exist in the kink world side by side, I would frequently get off to really racy, sometimes violent and occasionally non-consensual scenes I found online. I believe the fact I was not fulfilled sexually led me to look for things that would overstimulate my body and mind. That changed once I was able to incorporate kinks into my life.
At the beginning of my BDSM journey any kind of bondage seemed to cause me to feel horny as hell. I think part of that was down to the absolute hotness I felt about finally getting the type of sex I had yearned for. Not only that, the anticipation of the impending pain, wrapped up in the desire of being with someone I was extremely attracted to, never failed to make me ready. So, of course I wanted to end the session with sex of some sort and an orgasm for both.
BDSM and SEX — To some people, these two concepts are indistinguishable and deeply connected. While to others, this may not be the case at all…
To Come or not to Come
However, often my body was so hyped from what we had shared that when it came down to it, I could not climax. But this didn’t take away any of the enjoyment I felt from the play. So much so, it was usual for me to run the event through my head the following day. Then, masturbate with these thoughts vividly in my mind.
As my partner and I became more used to each other, I began to achieve the often needed release at the end of a BDSM activity. And I must say that worked well for both of us. A warm satisfaction would settle over my body. Not to mention, my mind felt clear and content.
Recently, I was reading a post I thoroughly recommend by Teresa Wymore 🏳️🌈— A Primer for the Pro-social Sadist and Her Sub. Before I look more closely at the article, here is a little bit about her and what she writes on Medium.
I crave authenticity in erotic fiction, and as a woman with no shame, I’m happy to speak when others are silent. All in the name of truth, of course.
If you’re curious for more details about my kind of sadism, you can read my Lesdom Lessons series at Tantalizing Tales. The caning is real. The fiction is I was never so suave.
Within the post, Teresa backs up her points with studies. Here I am just going to focus on a few ideas she raised that I think are important…
BDSM and Consent
Teresa explores sadomasochism for the mainstream and begins by saying:
I get judgy with some representations, such as fiction that creates a kink relationship and gets the ethics wrong, makes some activity seem safe that isn’t, or casts a legal and ethical relationship as a moral failing.
Of course, Teresa is not talking about what I would class as fantasy erotic fiction. Perhaps involving aliens or tentacle porn — but rather writers who misrepresent the intricacies of a realistic BDSM relationship, or imply it is an unhealthy sexual activity.
I don’t believe that you need to have been personally involved in something to write about it. BUT, if you haven’t had experience regarding the topic of your story, then please research and speak to those who have.
One thing I was glad she included was the difference between sadists. Teresa explains:
Sadism is taking pleasure in the act of causing pain, suffering, or humiliation.
Everyday sadists can take pleasure in non-consensual acts, so they are antisocial, perhaps pathological.
On the other hand, pro-social sadists take pleasure only in consensual acts.
This may be where some people who have no idea about BDSM practices get confused. If you don’t have the urge to give or receive pain, then consent would be a difficult concept to understand in such a setting. But it is one of the mainstays of a real BDSM partnership. However, sometimes in a long-term relationship, consent will surely just be implied? Teresa looks at that question:
Does that mean you have to ask permission for every damn move? Because that can get pretty unsexy.
No, you don’t, but you should discuss limits — soft limits (things you’ll consider) and hard limits (things you won’t consider) — before you play and after you spend some time getting to know each other.
Personality Rules!
I have thought for a long time that people who are willing to explore their sexual limits may also generally be more adventurous and, in my opinion, intelligent too. So I was interested to read what Teresa had to say on this matter:
A study from 2013 reported that BDSM practitioners are less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, and have higher subjective well-being…
Sex on the Menu?
To finish, I return to my earlier thought. That I enjoy, and would like more of the pain without the need for the climax. What does my friend Teresa say about this?
S&M and sex don’t always go together. The amount of overlap is your choice. But it’s not just the sex and sensation that’s the draw. It’s the altered mental state.
You’ll find parts of yourself you likely never knew existed.
I agree — so often after the pain, it is my mind that provides me with equilibrium…
(Many Thanks to Teresa Wymore 🏳️🌈 — if you are not yet a Medium member, why not join with Teresa’s referral link, which helps support her and other writers)
Another from May More 💜
