HEALTHCARE, POLITICS
Vanderbilt Hospital Hires Andrew Cuomo To Cover Up Deaths
Why improve yourself when you can hide your mistakes
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Vanderbilt University Medical Center announced the hiring of ex-governor Andrew Cuomo for hospital and faculty administration. We were shocked that a hospital is giving Cuomo another chance in hospital management. Cuomo lost his previous job because he covered up the COVID deaths in New York nursing homes.
We reached out to the president of the hospital Jeffrey Balser for a comment. Balser shook his head.
“We aim to help people as much as possible. Unfortunately, we are also a business. We still have to cover real estate bills, medical equipment, furniture. With medicine improving, hospitals are attracting fewer people and losing revenue as the years go on. Even a woman can make twice as much as doctors by farting in a jar.
“We didn’t realize this was an option! Why did we waste our time studying and working hard to benefit the world? How on earth did we shoot ourselves in the foot just by making the world better? Where’s our money? We doctors too need to pay off medical school debts and mortgages for 20-room mansions!
“We need to be compensated for helping humans live longer. That’s why we overcharge our patients! Yes, we add hidden charges for gloves, pills, tissues, holding their babies, etc. Not our fault they don’t ask for their receipts to be itemized so they can sue us for hospital fraud.”
Balser glared at us.
“Don’t stare at us like that! Do you not realize how stressful and hard it is to be a doctor? 10+ years of studying, hundred thousands in student loan debt, and getting everything perfect to save patients. We’re expected to be perfectionists from society who claims that not all humans are perfect.
“Seriously, look at how much hate one of our nurses RaDonda Vaught got. She accidentally killed a 75-year old patient Charlene Murphey on December 26, 2017. We had to fire her, revoke her medical license, and compensate Murphey’s family for malpractice. All because she couldn’t tell the difference between the paralyzing drug vecuronium and the sedative Versed.”
We interrupted Balser to argue that Vaught wasn’t entirely to blame. An audit uncovered that Vanderbilt had malfunctioning equipment and incorrect labels on drugs. It’s possible that Vaught picked up a drug that Vanderbilt mislabeled.
Balser snapped.
“Why do you think we covered this up! We can’t take responsibility for this! It’ll ruin our reputation! We’ll lose investors. We’ll lose patients. We’ll lose nurses to other profitable hospitals that don’t kill patients.
“We hid Vaught’s accidental homicide for the sake of this business. How dare the government does their job and audits us correctly! Now, we have no choice but to send Vaught to prison.
“Either one nurse takes the fall, or all of us do. Wasn’t Obamacare supposed to fix this? It just ruined more lives. Thanks, Obama!”
We argued that Balser’s attempt to shift all the blame to Vaught pissed off his overworked nurses. They are already suffering from 10–12 hour shifts daily, thus losing more focus to perform their job perfectly. Americans would no longer have any medical assistance just because all the workers jumped to OnlyFans for a massive pay hike.
Balser smiled.
“That’s why it would benefit everyone if we did a better job covering up our accidental deaths. We need someone who’s experienced in this. I can’t think of anyone better than Andrew Cuomo!”
“Cuomo was originally praised for his COVID management efforts when he governed New York. However, he was caught hiding COVID deaths in the closet of a nursing home. Cuomo has definitely learned to hide them in a dumpster next time. We’re confident he can grow from this mistake and cover up his sins going forward!
“Furthermore, Cuomo is a successful businessman. He brokered a multi-million deal with Prime Minister Narendra Modi so that he can expand his euthanasia clinic to India’s hospitals. Modi wanted to legally kill off all the gravely sick citizens who were overflowing hospitals to improve India’s image in COVID control. Cuomo was the only one capable of doing so.
“With these kind of deals, Cuomo can bring in far more revenue to Vanderbilt. Since we don’t have to engage in shady receipt practices and anger our clients, we’re convinced our investors will back this hiring.”
We asked Balser why he couldn’t cut his own salary just to improve medical equipment, increase his staff, and set reasonable hours for his nurses. Balser declined to comment.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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