Big Money, Big Money, No Whammies
Thanks to Medium, I Will Not Be the Richest Man on Earth
Owning the universe takes longer than I planned
Writing on Medium will make me dirty, filthy, messy, skanky, super, and uber-rich. I may have underestimated how long it would take.
The math
Between June and July, I had a 614% growth. Using only those two data points, My monthly income will be $13,329,906,953,194,500,000 in two years. You can see my spreadsheet data and billionaire ego shopping list here.
Overzealous?
It turns out it’s challenging to sustain exponential growth for two years straight. My actual Medium increase is closer to an extra $2.00 a month. Although my fanciful estimates prove I have a future in a congressional accounting office, I feel responsible for updating my projections with better data.
Welcome to my new future.
October 2029 | $100
After seven years of grinding, I joined the fabled Medium $100 monthly club. Kristina God reveals to me the secret handshake. ¹
Hint: No thumbs.
My 10-year-old daughter is now 17 and graduating high school. Midway through the commencement ceremony, I take the mic and announce my Medium milestone. Security forcefully removes me from the building with the new Tesla brand electric stun batons.
Afterward, my embarrassed daughter bribes local sheriff Laurel B. Miller to get my early release. My daughter greets me with a sustained eye roll she learned from sweary mommy.
“Daaaaaaaaaahhhhhhddd.”
November 2062 | $500
After 40 years on Medium, I proudly earn modest clickbait money.
After a decade of the American civil war, Kristen Stark received bipartisan support to become the United States Warlord General. Her candid, no-nonsense “Listen up, Sh*tbrick” platform resonates with everyone who still bothers to vote.
December 2104 | $1000
General Stark scares the bejeezus out of me, so I move to Canada. In an unexpected medical breakthrough, Kristine Laco discovers the cure for old age. It’s 100% pure maple syrup. Universal health care and my sweet tooth save my life.
Do you remember Tom from MySpace? He thrusts himself into the media spotlight and buys Medium in a hostile takeover. Every story now plays 8-bit music when loading.
January 2438 | $10,000
Medium writing becomes my 9–5. Or should I say my 5th generation clone is the one who reaches this milestone? After the four consciousness transfers, my sense of self is a little funny. But not as amusing as Gunner Barrett.
February 9842 | $100,000
An experimental bionic android spliced with DNA from naval engineer and humor genius Srini invents Faster Than Light travel. Not a moment too soon, I cannot wait to get off this planet.
March 85332 | $1,000,000
My 17th-generation clone leaves his cryogenic freezing chamber on Planet BichoDoMato near Alpha Centauri. Under the Universal Accords of Planets, the official currency is $arcasm. ²
#Millionaire
010101 0010101 111010101 | $13,329,906,953,194,500,000
All human constructs join the universal AI governing the cosmos. My uploaded consciousness reaches the original Medium goal in the program 555,412,789,716,436,000 Earth human years later than anticipated.
As the great WE say,
010100 1010 1010100 1010001 010100 1000010 1110110011001 01010010 10010101010100
Footnotes
¹ Disclaimer: All characters in this story are fictional creations of the author. Especially the real people with links to their Medium profiles.
² For clarity, I use the outdated U.S. Dollar as the measure of currency throughout the timeline. Otherwise, it’s like having to compare apples and Omegacon-3 Telenium fruit.
Did you like this story but wish it was funnier and well-written? Check out Selina Ahnert.
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