LISTEN UP, SHITBRICK
How to Win Enemies and Influence People
I sold this subtitle space to Elon Musk — Buy a Tesla
Hello. I’m Dave Carnegie, Dale Carnegie’s deadbeat grandson.
Today, I am going to teach you a skill that I have spent decades mastering: Gaining Enemies. Why should you learn this fine art? Power. Power. AND MORE POWER!
People with tons of enemies are intriguing and mysterious. You want folks to wonder why you are so despised.
Here’s how to go from some schmuck to loathsome fuck:
- Change your standard greeting to “Listen up, Shitbrick.”
- Give backhanded compliments. Examples: “Kristine, I love how humble your home is,” “Bob, your attempt at a soufflé is adorable,” “Christopher, SOME people think Pennsylvania is trashy, but not ME.”
- Never smile, but be sure to tell every woman you see to smile.
- People love the sound of their own names. Never use names. Use “Shitbrick” instead.
- Be a terrible listener. Scroll through your phone while people are talking to you. If they are telling a serious or sad story, laugh at a dated meme and show it to them.
6. Encourage others to talk about you, not themselves. Redirect conversations by showing the speaker 5 of your selfies. Ask them to rank the photos from 1–5 stars. When they are done, say:
“False. All of them are 5 stars. You would know that if you had good bone structure like me.”
7. Other people’s interests are unimportant. Shut down a boring story about a new “must-see” documentary by saying “SEEN IT.” If you are hit with any follow-up questions, show more selfies.
8. Lie all the time.
9. Sell courses on subjects you know nothing about. When customers ask for refunds, ghost them.
10. End your lists at #10 even if you have nothing important to say. More time wasted = more enemies gained.
This is just a sampling of the many ways you can gain enemies and power. For a full list, join my Enemy Creation Bootcamp for a small fee of $249.99.
So long, Shitbrick.
Kristine, Bob, and Christopher in this story are NOT Kristine Laco, Bob Merckel, and Christopher Robin. Any questions? See #8.
