Satire
Panic About a Stock Market Collapse?
Top Secret strategies that make everyone rich but you.
Yesterday the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 1276 points. Responsible people all around you will tell you to stay calm. Good news, you have a shiny puddle of calm at your fingertips.
Having no fiscal qualifications or experience, I believe it is my supreme duty to explain how markets work and what you should do with your money. You will thank me later. ¹
“Knowledge is the One Ring to Rule Them All.”
— Announcer at the end of G.I. Joe cartoons
Bull Market
Bull means growth. Just like when someone is full of bull 💩💩💩💩poopsicles, you grow indignant every time they speak.
How to recognize a Bull Market
- There is an unexplained increase in sales of the Ford Taurus.
- Chicago Bulls legend Michael Jordan appears at celebrity golf tournaments.
- It takes over three minutes for Scrouge McDuck to swim through his money vault.
- Rich people are excited.
What to do with your money
- Risky assets like Nigerian price emails
- NFTs — Nude Fungus Totems ²
- Elaborately bizarre rich person activities
- Tip the author
Bear Market
Bear means decline. If you are prone to confusing Bull and Bear markets, I’m thankful for this helpful reminder.
If you see a bear in the woods ask yourself
“Is the mama bear protecting her cubs?”
“Or is mamma bear currently chasing Laurel B. Miller halfway across Yosemite?”
Page 21 — Girl Scout Handbook
How to recognize a Bear Market
- 20% Reduction in the United States Strategic LaCroix Sparkling Water Reserves
- Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) keeps making the same “Bear with me” pun
- All your cash feels gummy
- Rich people are excited
What to do with your money
- Safer assets like Bitcoin, Dogecoin, or Smillew Rahcuef #SmillewCoins
- Exotic or venomous pets
- Multi-level marketing
- Tip the author
Beats Market
Beats means recession. Like when walking home from the subway too late at night, a mugger beats you for your wallet.
How to recognize a Beats Market
- Dr. Dre sponsors 50% of consumer goods.
- Stock market charts appear a reddish-purple hue.
- Drumlines make a resurgence.
- Rich people are excited.
What to do with your money
- Gambling on underground sports like toddler kickboxing
- Bury it in the backyard of your Tinder date
- Melt precious metals and apply them to your bones in an experimental medical procedure (Market analysts nickname this tactic “the Wolverine”)
- Tip the author
Battlestar Galactica Market
Battlestar Galactica is an epic sci-fi franchise where a race of sentient A.I. robots seeks to exterminate the human race. From that description, the underlying fundamentals of a Battlestar Galactica Market should be so evident that I will not describe them in detail here. ³
How to recognize a Battlestar Galactica Market
- Large displays of mushroom-themed performance art in the stratosphere
- Global warming ceases at a peak temperature of 17,000 degrees Celcius
- No more spam emails
- Rich robots with human faces are excited
What to do with your money
- Invest in an underprepared fleet of aging starships looking for the lost colonies of Earth
- 3-D printed organs
- After the defeat of the Cylons, humanity finally decided to redistribute wealth fairly and equitably for all rich people.
- Tip the author
Key Takeaway
Follow this simple financial guidance, and our robot overlords will reserve a place for sellouts to humanity, especially if you tip the author.
Footnotes
¹ Now is the time to thank me. Any ideas on how? 💰💵🤑
² My eyes glaze over when my sister talks about NFTs. She puts the fun in non-fungible.
³ Sounds like bull 💩💩💩💩 to me. A clear sign of a return to Bull Markets
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