Understanding Narcissism Will Set You Free
Here’s why it can be so liberating.
Many people have the idea that narcissism is a “trend”, a concept that people use just because it’s a shiny new buzzword.
That couldn’t be further from the truth.
Most people who use the word “narcissism” don’t do it because it’s a trend. They do it because they have woken up to a reality that helps them understand the world better.
They do it because they finally understand what narcissism is, and that gives them the courage to deal with the narcissists in their lives.
Understanding Narcissism Makes You Realize You Are Not The Problem
More often than not, it takes years of pain and confusion to understand how deep and complex narcissism is.
Then, suddenly, there’s an aha! moment and everything makes sense.
Suddenly, you realize why it’s so painful and frustrating to deal with that person — your mother, your father, your partner — who’s constantly criticizing you and blaming you for everything, even when it’s clearly their fault.
You realize you’ve been carrying fears and insecurities that were never really yours. Fears and insecurities that have been projected onto you by someone who was not brave enough to deal with their baggage.
You realize why you’ve been so anxious, lost, and depressed. How could you not be? You’ve spent years and years trying to fix someone who drains your energy and takes advantage of your empathy. Someone who uses every interaction as a tool to show you who’s in charge. Someone who gaslights you to the point where you question your own sanity.
More importantly, you realize that you are not the problem.
You realize that it doesn’t matter how hard you try to please them, or how much you prioritize their needs. You realize they’re not going to change — and that it’s not your job to fix them.
That’s exactly why understanding narcissism is so powerful: because it helps you realize what is yours and what is not. Because it frees you from the burden of neglecting yourself to please someone who can’t be pleased.
Narcissism Is A Descriptive Term, Not A Diagnostic
One of the reasons why people don’t like the term narcissism is that it feels too clinical or too labeling.
As I wrote in the past, narcissism is not a clinical term. It can be, but it doesn’t have to. According to Dr. Ramani, a clinical psychologist who focuses on narcissism and unhealthy relationships:
“The word narcissist, or narcissism, or narcissistic… They’re not diagnostic, they’re descriptive. This is something that I’ve said countless times. The term reflects a cluster of patterns and behaviors that hang together: entitlement, lack of empathy, arrogance, dysregulation, anger, a need for control, a need for validation, superficiality, sensitivity to criticism, egocentricity, insecurity… It all hangs together.”
So, as we can see, we do have the right to describe someone as narcissistic if they exhibit most of these patterns. We’re not diagnosing them or labeling them: we’re describing them, according to their own behavior.
Just as we say someone is ambitious when they’re very determined to achieve their goals, we say someone is narcissistic when we finally understand what we’ve been dealing with.
We’re not inventing or imagining their behavior. Their behavior was always there, we’re just calling it by its name now.
“Calling this phenomenon that is narcissism by its proper name becomes really important so that we don’t soft-pedal on it. Enablers and those eternally positive people will sometimes label it as “well, they’re just difficult” or “they’re just going through a tough time” or “it’s just how they are”… Yes, it is how they are, so let’s call it what it is.”
Dr. Ramani, in The Wisdom That Comes From Calling Narcissism By Its Name
Narcissism is not a trend— it’s a real issue that affects our lives.
Using a term or a label may feel like we’re reducing the complexity of a person to a single word. However, the term “narcissism” itself is complex. We’re not denying its complexity — actually, we’re acknowledging this person is complex. The difference is that now we know it’s not our responsibility to deal with it.
Having a term to describe such a painful experience is incredibly validating, and it reassures us that we’re not crazy.
We never were.
