The 5 Unspoken Rules of a Narcissistic Family
#1 You have to stay submissive and compliant no matter what.
If you grew up in a narcissistic family, you know there were certain rules that every family member had to accept. Rules that dictated everything, even if they were never mentioned or discussed.
Most of us got so used to living under these rules that we still apply them to our adult relationships, even if deep down we know they’re not healthy.
That’s because we’ve normalized them. We’ve normalized living in a chaotic environment where our feelings are irrelevant and our needs are rarely met. We’ve normalized being surrounded by conflict and invalidation.
It can be incredibly difficult to let go of the emotional and relational patterns we absorbed so early in life. However, change is always possible when we commit ourselves to our healing journey.
But first, we have to become aware of how our past has shaped our present.
1. You have to stay submissive and compliant no matter what.
In narcissistic families, there’s usually the narcissistic parent and the enabler parent. Every aspect of the family life revolves around the needs and wants of the narcissistic parent, while the other parent stays silent and enables dysfunctional/abusive behavior.
Sooner or later, children who witness these relational patterns absorb the message that it’s normal to be submissive regardless of how unfair the situation is. They unconsciously learn that if they want to emotionally survive the chaotic environment they’re in, they need to ignore their gut instincts and follow the steps of the enabler parent.
2. Nobody is allowed to demonstrate healthy anger — but the narcissist is allowed to have rage outbursts whenever he/she wants.
Something that I never understood when I was a child, was the fact that my father had a free pass to scream, punch walls, and slam the doors — yet if he treated me unfairly and I raised my voice just a little bit, I’d be punished.
This led me to develop a dysregulated nervous system that is constantly wired for danger. I intuitively knew that if I wanted to minimize the effects of his outbursts, I needed to focus on two things:
- pleasing him;
- being prepared for literally everything, at every second of every day.
As I wrote in Enabling Is The Reason Narcissistic Relationships Can Last For A Lifetime,
“This is how it works in narcissistic families: the narcissist’s behavior is to be tolerated, accepted, and enabled, while you are not allowed to show any justified anger, disappointment, confusion, or basically any negative emotion that was caused by their behavior in the first place.”
3. If you’re honest and authentic, there will be conflict.
Dysfunctional families have no space for honesty and effective communication. Since they avoid change at all costs, every attempt at communicating your feelings is met with resistance and conflict.
This is how people-pleasers are born. They’re born in families where everything causes conflict and the only way to adapt is to leave your feelings behind to avoid unnecessary drama.
As children, we do whatever it takes to establish an emotional connection with our caretakers, and we need this connection to be consistent. If our parents don’t know how to deal with our self-expression, we cope by sabotaging our authentic self.
When we don’t have the emotional tools to cope with stressful/traumatic circumstances, we often learn to seek safety through avoidance.
4. If you make mistakes, you’ll be shamed, judged, and criticized.
With narcissistic parents, there’s no space for mistakes, no matter how small or insignificant. You have to be perfect at all times (and even then they’ll find something to complain about).
That’s why people who were raised by narcissistic parents often struggle with imposter syndrome. We’re so used to being shamed and criticized that we become our worst critics. We minimize our accomplishments and we find flaws in everything we do because that’s what our parents did to us.
It can take years for us to realize that the critical voice we carry within us is not really ours.
5. Love is conditional. You have to earn it.
This is one of the most damaging marks narcissistic parents leave on their children.
When you’re raised in such a dysfunctional family, your ideas, beliefs, and expectations regarding relationships can be very unhealthy and unbalanced. That’s because the first relationship you experienced in life (the one with your parents) was unhealthy and unbalanced.
Narcissistic parents see their children as extensions of themselves. Their idea of love is “I will love you as long as you meet my needs and conform to my demands”. As a consequence, you internalize the idea that you’re unworthy of love unless you’re pleasing them — and you apply this idea to every relationship in your life.
If this is something you struggle with, highly recommend reading Stop Trying To Prove To Them That You’re Worthy of Love. You also have my Self-Healing Workbook, which was specifically created to help you address these beliefs.
Living with these unspoken rules leaves many long-lasting marks on your ability to build healthy relationships and stand up for yourself.
However, as an adult, you get to choose which rules you want to incorporate into your daily life. You get to choose which beliefs serve you, and which don’t. The power is all yours now.
All you have to do is claim it.
