Why The Enabler Parent Is Just As Damaging As The Narcissistic Parent
They refuse to see the truth, and their children pay the price for their lack of courage.
When we talk about narcissistic families, we tend to focus on the narcissistic parent. Makes sense, right?
However, the narcissistic parent would not be able to engage in abusive and/or dysfunctional behavior for so many years without the constant enabling and validation from the non-narcissistic parent.
If your non-narcissistic parent was emotionally mature and secure, they would not allow the narcissist to mistreat you. They would not allow their child to be manipulated, gaslighted, and invalidated. Instead, they would set boundaries and protect you from the dysfunction.
Once we understand this, it can be incredibly difficult to forgive our enabler parent. We have to grieve not only the parent who is unable to love us but also the parent who should have shielded us but never did.
This grieving process can take many years — but the more we resist it, the longer it lasts.
Enabler Parents Are Not What They Appear To Be
With narcissistic parents, you already know what you’re going to get. You know they will diminish you and manipulate you. You know you can’t count on them unless you’re doing everything as they want (and even then, they will probably criticize you).
On the other hand, the non-narcissistic parent appears to be supportive and emotionally healthier. Your relationship with them probably feels more balanced, and overall safer.
Unfortunately, the truth is that they’re just as dysfunctional. They’re unable to take care of you as a parent should. They’re unable to support you in a meaningful way because they’re too scared of confronting the narcissist.
Normal, healthy parents don’t stay silent when their child is being emotionally abused. They don’t let their child stay in an environment filled with chaos and conflict, and they don’t pressure you to apologize for things you didn’t do just to “keep the peace”.
Normal, healthy parents stand by their children no matter what. They make their children feel loved and supported — even if they’re growing up in a chaotic environment.
The Chronic Self-Doubt They Instill In You
Enabler parents make us ignore our gut instincts. They make us believe our intuition is irrelevant, and that we should stay compliant regardless of how unfair the situation is.
As children, we know when something’s wrong. We know when something makes us feel anxious or unsettled. But if we have an adult that’s supposed to be our role model saying things like “You know mom loves you. She means no harm”, “Don’t be angry at him. He had a difficult childhood” or “You should apologize to your father” (when they’re the ones who hurt you)… Then, we’ll believe the adult. We’ll suppress our feelings and try to move on.
As time goes by, we absorb the message that there’s something fundamentally wrong with us. We think we’re broken when, in reality, we’re having a healthy response to an unhealthy environment.
The worst part is that this conditioning lasts for years — even when we go no contact with our parents.
In “The Root Cause of Many Mental Health Problems”, I wrote:
“According to Dr. Maté, we all have two basic emotional needs: attachment and authenticity.
The attachment has to do with our need for love, connection, and intimacy. Without it, infants don’t survive. We need to feel loved by our caretakers; we need to feel attached to our parents.
On the other hand, authenticity refers to our ability to manifest our true self, to express our inner realities. When we’re authentic, we listen to our gut feelings, we know what’s best for us, and we’re in touch with our body, as well as our emotions.
In the ideal world, these needs can coexist in harmony. It’s what happens when we have emotionally mature, healthy parents who make us feel unconditionally loved — providing us a secure base that allows us to express ourselves fully.
But what happens when these needs collide? What happens when we feel like our attachment figures (our parents) will reject us if we show them our authenticity? The result is that we suppress our true selves — which leads to many mental (and physical) health problems.”
There are many reasons why people enable narcissistic behavior
When it comes to enabler parents, what matters is that they choose appearances and a false sense of peace over the well-being of their children. They refuse to see the truth, and their children pay the price for their lack of courage.
At the end of the day, only you know how your parents have affected you. Just make sure you’re not suppressing your true feelings.
Your anger is valid. Your grief is valid.
