LGBTQ
Hot Topic: Trans Dating Preference vs Body Parts
Let’s get clear on preferences vs transphobia
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Is it transphobic to have physical sexual preferences? No.
Is it transphobic to say you would never date a trans person? Yes.
Why? Because one does not equal the other. A trans person does not equal ‘my sexual preference’ or ‘not my sexual preference’. And more specifically, a trans person does not equal what’s in their pants. Just as a cisgender person does not equal what’s in their pants, nor ‘my sexual preference’ or ‘not my sexual preference’. The only difference is, you don’t know what is in a trans person’s pants until you ask, and I don’t mean until you ask if they are trans. Knowing someone is trans does not equal knowing what is in their pants.
Knowing someone is trans does not equal knowing what is in their pants.
Inspired by Curiosity
This began as a response to an honest and thought-provoking article by Meagon Nolasco, Transgender Prejudice or Physical Preference. You can read the full article below to understand Meagon’s question and context. It’s asked in a very open and inviting manner, and I hope I’ve responded in kind while exploring some of the deeper concepts.
Note to Meagon Nolasco: Thank you for your article and asking a very important question rather than giving your opinion and labeling it as absolute. Please be aware as you read this that the response is not directed at you, but rather, a reflection of your curiosity — I say this because I got a little fired-up at times! I hope it shall be informative and educational.
AFAB is not a Preference
Meagon shared a story in her article (I confirmed her pronouns by checking her profile and other articles) about a friend’s experience on a dating site. I think it highlights the lack of education around language.
On a dating app recently, [my] friend listed in their bio that they were seeking AFAB -only individuals. This led to the dating app blocking and removing their profile from the site… Shouldn’t we be able to have preferences though?
The key really is language. In this context, “AFAB” (assigned female at birth) is problematic because it doesn’t align with a physical preference. Allow me to explain with a personal example. I’m considered AFAB, yet I’m trans-masc non-binary, 2 months on HRT, pre-op everything. My voice has barely dropped, I have no facial or body hair, and very little muscle or fat redistribution — all things that take time. That’s a very different physicality than a trans man who has been on T for 10 years, has had top surgery and phalloplasty, has a rumbling chest voice, a full beard and chest hair, and wide shoulders and a muscular form — yet he is still AFAB.
We are both AFAB.
So, AFAB is not a physical preference. It can’t be. That’s impossible. Listing AFAB on a dating site often means a “man with a pussy” fetish and that is not good, hence why their account was banned. I am 100% certain the friend had good intentions, but the language they used was not actually sharing a preference.
AFAB is not a physical preference. It can’t be. That’s impossible.
Cisgender Concern
I feel the whole conversation around preferences has become way more complicated than it needs to be. Yes, we can have preferences. But “a trans person” is not a preference because like cisgender people, we come in a variety of packages (with a lot more options and potential upgrades *wink*). It’s all about education, and that’s why I love Meagon’s article so much — she’s encouraging conversation.
This is how we do better.
It is primarily cisgender people who are confused by the preferences vs transphobia so-called argument, because the limited information most of them have promotes that confusion. In the trans community, we are perplexed by the confusion because to us, it’s pretty simple. We are a physical spectrum; therefore, you cannot possibly say we are or are not a physical preference. That’s it. That’s all there is to it.
We don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with us!
We don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with us. Why would we? That would perpetuate the predatory narrative often attached to trans women in particular. Yes, you can have physical preferences, as can we. But if those preferences are based on the identity of being trans, then yes, that is transphobic. Because your preference is not for sexual orientation or genitals, it is simple for an identity.
Who Is Really Offended and Why?
#NotAllCis #NotAllTrans
I feel like I hear a lot of pushback about transgender people being so offended because people don’t want to sleep with them, but that is laughable. If you listen, what you’ll hear from trans people is that your argument about ‘not wanting to date a trans person because of genital preferences’ is either transphobic or uneducated. It has nothing to do with the actual sexual act. What you’ll also hear is a bunch of transphobic rhetoric that trans people are offended, not because any are actually offended, but because the transphobes are so desperately trying to offend us. That’s where the noise comes from. That’s where a lack of education leads good allies and community members into the misinterpretation of transphobia vs preferences.
I feel like I hear a lot about transgender people being so offended because people don’t want to sleep with them.
But why is there an assumption that we need you to want us? Most of us have gone through more personal growth and development than you can imagine — most of us have already learned to love ourselves. We had to. If we survived the rejection of family, friends, and even ourselves, we can certainly handle your rejection.
If we’ve connected on a dating app and we haven’t even met, you do not need to ‘let us down easy’. If someone said to me, “I like dick,” I would say, “Me too, dude.” Here’s the thing — I DO NOT want to be with someone who ‘sees’ me as a woman. I DO NOT want to be with someone who wants anything to do with the biological female anatomy in the context of being biological female anatomy. If he can’t see me as ‘not a woman’, I’m out. That’s my preference.
We aren’t all desperately hanging on your approval and desire. We’re just people.
The Answer is Right There
Meagon shared the answer to her own question in her article — at least, I think she did.
If I were still on dating apps-happily partnered-I’d list in the dating profile that I am seeking individuals who identify as women and quickly would tell individuals who reached out that I am not interested nor want to pursue romantic relationships with someone who has biological male body parts.
Only a couple of times have I run into this occurrence in the dating world. Both individuals were pre-op transwomen whom I didn’t want to lead on or waste their time or mine.
Beautiful. Perfect.
That’s how to share your preferences. The thing is, many cisgender people get worked up about how they should be allowed to have a preference around the trans body (though as we’ve discussed, there is no standard), forgetting that this scenario is a small percentage of your interactions. For Meagon, ‘only a couple of times.’ For us, for transgender people, it’s every time. That’s gotta be exhausting. I say gotta be, because there is no way in hell you’ll get me on a dating app until I’m personally satisfied that I will NOT attract men who see me as a woman. So add that little gem in there too.
We’re not delicate petals!
Having said that, we’re not delicate petals! If we’re on a dating app, we are there for the same reason you are and I guarantee we are not interested in you if you are very specifically not interested in what’s in our pants. Besides, we have too much other crap to worry about on a daily basis than whether one person on this huge planet wants to bang us.
Personally, I’m attracted to male energy with a preference for penis. I love dick. I won’t deny that. If I had a dating profile, I would list myself as Androsexual, and if I met someone and started having a conversation that I thought was leading to sex, then, I’d ask them their preferences (and deal-breakers) and I’d share mine. If they align, awesome. If not, I’d pull the plug, and either I’ve made a friend or we stop talking and move on. We don’t know each other. We don’t owe each other anything except basic human respect. We can all do that, can’t we?
Knowing someone is trans does not equal knowing what is in their pants.
