Trans Fear: The Gender Reveal

They’re more scared of you than you are of them

Checking in at a Hotel

You check in. It is uneventful.

Trans and Checking in at a Hotel

You walk in the front door into reception and are instantly greeted with, ‘Hello madam’. You bite your tongue even though the word irks you — the word has always irked you, you just never knew why until recently. The receptionist says madam again and you bite your tongue, again. Then they hand you a sheet of paper. They’ve written Mr. because your first name is characteristically known as a male name. They apologize profusely and say they’ll change it.

You make a decision.

You say, “No, please don’t. I’m a Mx. anyway. I prefer that,” and you point to Mr. In that moment, there is a mix of excitement and fear. There is a mix of pride and doubt. You just stood up for yourself. You just affirmed your pronouns and your gender. But you don’t yet know what the reaction will be. So when he says, “Oh, okay,” and continues on and doesn’t call you madam again, there is relief and there is joy.

But there is also the knowledge that that could have gone so very differently.

You just affirmed your pronouns and your gender.

Getting your Covid Vaccination

You get your shot. You leave.

Trans and Getting your Covid Vaccination

You fill out the online forms to book your appointment. They ask your gender (not your sex). It seems like a pointless question but they offer an ‘other’ option so you take it. You think that’s the end of it, but then, when you go into your appointment, the nurse asks, “And what’s your gender?” You know that you’ve already answered that question. So the fact that they’re asking you sends a spike of concern through your body. How do you respond?

You make a decision.

“I’m non-binary,” you say, and for a split second, you wonder what reaction you’ll receive. Was that a smart decision? So when they say, “That’s great, good on you,” and proceed to ask you about your gender identity, the relief is intense.

But there is still the underlying knowledge that that could have gone so very differently.

“That’s great, good on you.”

Going to the Pharmacy

You get your prescription filled. That was easy.

Trans and Going to the Pharmacy

You enter the pharmacy with your very first prescription of testosterone gel in hand and the fear is immense. The nerves are running riot through your body. What if, for some reason, they can’t fill it, or won’t fill it? What if they ask you questions in public with other people around? What if they question you about why you’re getting it? What if they look at you with that look of judgment you know a little too well? So when you pass over your prescription and they ask if it’s for you, and stare at you, waiting…

There is no decision! You have to say yes.

So you do, and for a moment, you register the strange look on their face before they turn to their computer. You step back and try, TRY, to look nonchalant and not like your heart is beating out of your chest. And then they call you forth because there’s a problem and your heart almost explodes.

This is it. All your fears are about to come true.

They say that it was denied and you want to explode and implode at the same time. You want to run away. You want to hide from embarrassment, but more so from the horrible thought pounding in your temple telling you that everyone thinks what you’re doing is wrong. Even though nobody has said that for it’s the internal voice of all those who would say that… if they knew (if they were worthy of knowing). It’s the voice of imposter syndrome.

So when the pharmacist says, “Oh, never mind, I tried it again and it’s gone through,” there is such a sense of relief you cannot even put words to it. Then, they ask you, quietly, if you’ve used it before, and you say no. They lean forward and drop their voice even lower before they go through a few of the things they need to ensure you are aware of such as application placement. You smile. You chat with them and even have a laugh. You are just like any two people. All the fears drift away.

But there is still the lingering understanding that that could have gone so very differently.

You are just like any two people.

Trans and Living

Checking in to a hotel, getting a vaccination, filling a prescription — these are common occurrences and not events that should cause anxiety, and yet, in every situation where I reveal my gender, I can’t help but consider all the possibilities. I look around, I need to know where I am. I need to know who’s around me. I need to know that I’m safe to reveal that information. And I’m in Australia where it feels so much safer than other places. These three events happened to me, and though they were within places of business where there is a certain behavioral expectation, I feel I’ve been very lucky in that I’ve always been safe, but I’m forever aware. In two of these situations, I could have chosen to hide — but I’ve hidden long enough. I’m proud of who I am and who I’m becoming, but I’m also very aware that that pride can get me hurt or worse.

I’ve hidden long enough.

Being trans is not a choice — why would you choose to live an experience where you must be so vigilant and assess if it is safe to be yourself or not? I read this article earlier today from Elena Wunderbar whose bio reads: “The Closeted Trans Woman.”

I relate to her story because I too live a double life. I’m still coming to terms with my own identity and experience and it’s often easier to share that with strangers at a hotel, or a medical office, or a pharmacy (or on here), than it is those that think they know me.

Being trans is not a choice but allowing yourself to become your inner truth and embrace your deepest happiness, is a choice. It takes immense courage to choose to explore self and find our deepest truth. The thing is, not following our own path to our inner truth and own happiness, is a choice too. So many people choose to stay the path of expectation out of fear. Sometimes, that fear is of the consequences, and sometimes, it is the fear of being judged in the same way that they judge others.

Being trans is not a choice!

The Ultimate Solution — You Worry about You, I’ll Worry about Me

Why can’t we just focus on making ourselves happy? Because that’s what it all comes down to. If everyone in this world had the courage to find themselves, they wouldn’t be so concerned about stopping other people from doing the same.

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