The Power of Boundaries

Summary

The author describes their journey of self-discovery and the importance of setting personal boundaries in understanding their genderqueer identity.

Abstract

The article titled "The Power of Boundaries" delves into the author's personal experience with the concept of boundaries as a crucial element in their exploration of gender identity. After accepting their genderqueerness, the author reflects on the challenges faced in asserting personal wants and needs, a skill not learned in childhood due to being taught to prioritize others' expectations. The process of establishing and maintaining boundaries is likened to navigating a series of emotional tunnels, symbolizing the difficulties and revelations encountered along the way. The author emphasizes the transformative power of boundaries in redefining their sense of self, separate from external pressures, and how this has been instrumental in their journey towards understanding and expressing their gender identity.

Opinions

The author believes that the lack of boundaries in their upbringing led to a suppression of personal desires and an inability to assert their own wants.
They express that people-pleasing behavior, stemming from a lack of boundaries, is detrimental and does not contribute to personal happiness or identity formation.
The author conveys a sense of liberation and self-realization upon learning that they are entitled to their own desires and can enforce personal boundaries.
They suggest that the process of setting boundaries is ongoing and can be challenging, yet it is essential for personal growth and understanding one's gender identity.
The author opines that therapy has been a valuable tool in their journey of self-discovery, particularly in navigating the complexities of gender and sexuality.
They assert that while boundaries do not dictate gender identity, they are instrumental in determining one's chosen method of gender expression and presentation.

Who knew I was allowed to want things for myself?

Created by Author — images copyright purchased through Deposit Photos

More than six months ago, I accepted that I was genderqueer with no idea what that really meant for me. It all began with setting boundaries. My journey of questioning my gender has taken me on a rollercoaster of emotions pummeling into terrifying troughs and flying high through peaks of elation. And then there are the tunnels. Dark. Uncertain. Always with a wall to smash through at the end — a gender breakthrough.

I am in one of those tunnels now. Rather, I’m in a stretch of tunnels. As I am thrown against the side of the coaster, this way and that, the occasional reprieve of light before plunging back into darkness, I have no idea what’s around the next corner. Then, POW! Ouch. Will these tunnels never end?

These tunnels are filled with lessons about boundaries.

Growing up, I learned that I didn’t deserve to have boundaries. I was not my own person and therefore, did not have my own wants or needs. All I had that was mine were my thoughts, and they were judged as wrong. It was expected that I would do and say as I was told, and for the most part, I did. If I dared attempt to set a boundary for myself, it was returned with, “Don’t be silly.” Or, “No, I’m not going to do that.” It seemed like while I had to do everything I was told, everyone around me was refusing to do anything that I wanted. But I was a kid, right? What did I know?

So I learned. I learned lack of boundaries and people-pleasing so well as a child that I took it into adulthood. I became the master of pleasing others. When somebody would ask me what I wanted and I’d reply with, “I don’t care, whatever you want,” I knew it was often read as indecisiveness. The truth was, it was true. I really didn’t care. I had so deeply learned that what I want didn’t matter, that I just stopped wanting.

It has taken me 45 years to stop that crap. And I’m not there yet, but at least I’m in learning mode.

When I first learned that I didn’t have to do what everybody else wanted, that I was allowed to want for myself, it was a difficult concept to grasp. The guilt around saying “no” to somebody held with me for the longest time. Even once I’d learned what boundaries were and I began slowly putting them in place, I wasn’t holding them. My boundaries were loose and flexible, and anyone could tear straight through.

It didn’t serve my narcissist mother for me to have boundaries, and she was where I needed them most. Long story short (and perhaps another blog), after four years of trying to establish boundaries, I set a hard line. When her verbal sword of expectations fell upon it, this time, it didn’t break. In that moment of setting a solid boundary, protecting myself, and backing myself, in that moment of no longer caving into what everybody else said I should be, in that moment of releasing the expectations of others, I realized that my entire persona was created from expectation.

Suddenly, I didn’t know who the hell I was. In some way, I always knew that; I always had a sense that I wasn’t quite here, like I was completely detached from self, but in that moment of releasing the need to please someone else, a little spark lit.

Image adapted by author from images by Alexandr Ivanov and melancholiaphotography from Pixabay

Since that spark was lit, I’ve explored self, gender, sexuality, wants, desires, needs, every aspect on a search of discovery. I have two therapists, having never had one prior to January.

When I set that boundary, I got a glimpse of me. It was so beautiful and I never want to let it go. But, the universe likes to test. The universe likes to ask, “Did you really get the lesson?” Hence, the next tunnel. And on it goes.

Every time I set a boundary now, a little part of that me I’d long ago forgotten returns. Every time I stand up for my own boundary, reiterate it, enforce it, a little more of me solidifies. I’m allowed to say no. You’re allowed to say no. People-pleasing is not a positive thing. Sure, we want people to be happy; I definitely want people to be happy. But, I’m no longer going to put their happiness before my own. I’m no longer going to please somebody else to the detriment of myself.

My boundaries are not negotiable. My boundaries may change with circumstances and time, but in that moment, they are not negotiable.

I am allowed to want. I don’t know what that means yet. I’ve never before been allowed to want, and so to say I want something is a very disassociative experience. But it’s something I’m working through in therapy. To know that I’m allowed to want is the first step.

If boundaries are linked so heavily to what I want and what I don’t want, then I look forward to the next tunnel, the next dip, and the next peak. Boundaries are what I need right now to allow me to know what I want and to determine what it is I want to do about my gender. It won’t help me determine where my gender lay on the gender spectrum because gender identity has nothing to do with ‘want’, but it may help me determine how I want to proceed; how I want to present.

Clear boundaries about what I want may help me determine how I want to be perceived. Isn’t that interesting?