Christopher Robin’s 12-Word Challenge
Too Many Writers Ruin a Good Kidnapping and a Good Birthday
Abducted!
It’s my birthday and only one Doctor Funny writer remembered.
Christopher contacted me to take over the 12-word challenge this month. What a gift!
It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he is trapped in my basement enjoying a diet entirely of corn nuts and butterscotch pudding.
Nothing.
So you miscreants have some explaining to do. And you will do that using the following 12 words and/or phrases I demand of you.
There is more room in the basement if you choose not to accept this challenge.
It’s my birthday, goddammit!
The words are cleverly taken from the titles of Doctor Funny writers who should have remembered my birthday even though I have never publically stated my birthday is October 1st.
You should add it to your calendar for next year. I’ll wait.
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In truth, I am the averagest of editors, but I am the nicest of people, or so I’m told by, like, everybody. This idea to kidnap Christopher and make him my writing serf may have been taking my love of the writers on Doctor Funny a little far but he showed up at my house.
What would you have done?
Maybe I should not have shoved his mouth full of styrofoam, but I’ve got T. Kent to blame for that idea.
Uvebruce suggested marshmallows, but that was just dumb. Unsurprising, but dumb.
Laurel wanted me to put him in hoochie shorts and take photos to post on Twitter, but I thought that might be going too fucking far. It was bad enough that Adam took a picture of himself at the urinal then photoshopped Christopher’s face on the head of his penis.
Okay. I laughed. But only because it was funny.
Oscar wanted to add a condom and we all stopped laughing.
He’s always ruining our fun.
Because I wanted to keep my prisoner for the whole month writing funny stories to claim as my own, I wanted to ensure he got some exercise. I’m not a lunatic.
I consulted Smillew which was, in retrospect, a mistake. He told me to install a ballbag. Turns out a ballbag is not a bag full of balls.
My bad for listening to that sinner.
Next Rick suggested I add vegetables to his diet. What kind of twattage is that? Nobody voluntarily chooses to eat vegetables when there is butterscotch pudding.
Do I have to tell you guys everything?
Then that troll KiKi had to get involved and suggested he be released because, “He’s such a nice guy.” Between her and Sally they always want to glom on my fun. Sally said I’d texted her to cometh over. Oh, yeah. That sounds a lot like me.
Seriously? Cometh?
I horked up a loogie on Sally’s open-toed shoes and Carlos wet himself with desire. He says he’s seeing a doctor about it, but I think that’s a lie. In fact, I could tell that was a lie. He shouldn’t wear sweatpants all the time.
John walked in with a tampon in his nose. Yeah. That’s it. Just that he had a tampon in his nose. His nose wasn’t bleeding, the tampon was just there with the string sticking out. I’m not sure how that adds to the story, but Christopher will totes have fun with this word and I wanted him happy.
You know all those fuckers had advice on how to ‘help’ Christopher and none of them brought a gift. That’s why I had to abduct them all. I’ll be writing way more funnier stuff this month because I’m just way more funnier when it’s my birthday. Not because these assholes are writing their way out of my basement. Not that.
PS: Send pudding.
If you want to participate in Kristine Laco’s birthday 12-word challenge, here is your complete list:
- Averagest
- Styrofoam
- Condom
- Hoochie shorts
- Marshmallow
- Urinal
- Ballbag
- Twattage
- Cometh
- Troll
- Loogie
- Tampon
BONUS WORDS: Kristine Laco’s birthday
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