To Have So Much, Yet Feel So Little
Notes from a modern-day ingrate
I sat in front of the blank page daily as I mustered up the strength to journal about what I am grateful for. I had read all the articles, books, and studies on the benefits of gratitude and its positive impacts on mood, wellbeing, and health, and the fact that I couldn’t feel grateful for anything only added to my feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment.
I was surrounded by people who in my estimation had a lot less going for them in their lives than I did, with one exception, they were overflowing with gratitude. Just that fact alone would cause anger to rise within me. I mean how dare they be grateful for so little when I have so much and I can’t feel a thing, what kind of a cruel world is this. After all what good is all this white privilege they talk about if you can’t even enjoy the privileges?
My Miracle Morning
My journaling practice was the last part of my morning routine which incorporated many of the best practices of some of the world’s peak performers, it was a melting pot of all the things that are “supposed” to make for a great day. Here’s what that looked like for me:
- Wake, make coffee and then drink said coffee on my balcony looking out on the ocean.
- Take a walk along the beach as the waves lovingly lapped my feet.
- Find a spot on the beach and meditate for 10 minutes or more.
- Stretch and engage in just enough exercise to make me want to cool down with a dip in the ocean.
- Walk home barefoot across the street from the ocean to my apartment, shower, and start my workday when I wanted.
- Journal at my desk about what’s going on in my life and then write about what I am grateful for.
As I would sit to journal, my mind would wrestle with the starkness of the blank page, or at times my focus would turn inward and I’d begin to chastise myself for being such an ingrate. I was completely aware that I was living a life full of blessings and luxuries that most of the world would never know, but all I could focus on was what was missing. I spent all my time focusing on what I didn’t have, as opposed to celebrating the things I did. I was living in a hell of my own making, with all the necessary tools to get myself out, and ultimately choosing not to employ any of them.
Watching yourself drown
Frank Abignale played by Christopher Walken in the movie “Catch Me If You Can,” tells a pretty great anecdote on the matter that I will never forget.
“Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse, wouldn’t quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he churned that cream into butter and crawled out. Gentlemen, as of this moment, I am that second mouse.”
I love that anecdote as I am sure many of those who have seen the movie do, but in all honesty, I was not that second mouse, shit I wasn’t even the first mouse, as I assume that first mouse didn’t know any better. But I on the other hand was far worse than that first mouse, for I had all the tools to escape, the knowledge to know-how, and the self-awareness to know I was choosing my own ill-fated destiny.
I was a drowning lifeguard, a fireman ablaze, a dietician dying from gluttony.
How can we have compassion for someone like this? Someone who dies from poison with the antidote clutched firmly in their hands. I certainly didn’t, and I suspect that only made matters worse. The judgment and criticism that I had for myself and my choices didn’t give me much room to live, breathe, or work towards improving my situation.
You know that saying, when you’re going through hell, keep going, well I for some reason decided to take a break, bask in the warmth, and enjoy the view.
The self-awareness only made matters worse, I don’t know why I allowed it to go on for as long as I did, I could only surmise that somehow the pain and suffering were familiar and comforting for me.
Well there’s good news and there’s bad news
The good news is that this can all change, and it did for me, although it took time and a lot of work, gradually I was able to feel joy and gratitude again, if even for a fleeting moment. These fleeting moments were enough to create hope, hope that the moments would turn into minutes, the minutes to hours, and the hours would eventually turn to a life full of gratitude for even the smallest of things, like waking up this morning, or the feeling of the sun warming my face.
There’s more good news, faking it till you make it works, it did for me and it has for countless millions of others out there, the key is putting in enough time and work toward your desired future reality. “Act as if,” and eventually you will “feel as if,” the key is to make it to the second part.
Now to the bad news
Like all things good or bad, this too shall pass.
The last couple of years have been extremely challenging for me and once again I find myself struggling to feel gratitude.
You see, being grateful is not a destination or a stopover, it is a way of being, a way of going through life, and it is an active practice, just like weight training, sports, or playing a musical instrument.
And since gratitude is an active practice, then so is being ungrateful, and unfortunately, I have been spending more time focusing on what’s missing, than on all the wonderful gifts and blessings I have to be thankful for.
The secret to life
You see I had forgotten there is a little secret to life, it's actually a bit of a paradox…it’s that mood follows action and not the other way around. I had forgotten once again to “act as if.” Here I was waiting around for divine inspiration to strike me where I stand and snap me back to being grateful, joyful, and present when I remembered the quote from William Johnson:
“If it’s to be, it’s up to me.”
That said, I am committed to spending more time celebrating the gain, or how far I’ve come, and less time worrying about the gap, or what’s isn’t working.
What are you committed to?
If you liked this article, perhaps you will enjoy some of my other work here: