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Abstract

vice">Commitment devices</a> have two major features. They are voluntarily adopted for use and they tie consequences to follow-through failures. Consequences can be immutable (irreversible, such as a monetary consequence) or mutable (allows for the possibility of future reversal of the consequence).</blockquote>Adding stakes to our commitments works, it works well, and there’s a very real psychological reason behind why it works.Humans fear being thrown out of the tribe.<h2 id="3726">Ostracism and its modern day version, cancel culture</h2>When our actions don’t align with our words we are seen as unworthy of trust and potentionally dishonorable.Athens, the last true democracy would vote every year on whom to exile for a period of 10 years. The word <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ostracism">ostracism</a> even comes from the Greeks, and is derived from “the “ostraka,” referring to the pottery shards that were used as voting tokens.Back then exile meant loneliness, hunger, and likely death.Today in our ever connected always on society, being ostracized probably feels like death without the same deadly consequences. Although indirectly, ostracism is linked to negative impacts on mental health and a rise in <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32118466/">suicidal ideations.</a>That’s where cancel culture comes in, the modern day digitized version of ostracism. Unfortunately cancel culture is arbitrary and capricious and is usually looking to further some cause or interest of a given few influencers rather than for the good of the republic as in ancient Athens.That being said, knowing our actions have consequences makes us think long and hard before we act. When we make a promise to do something, either to a group or an individual, we are staking our reputation on that promise in some small way.If we don’t deliver on those promises, we stand to lose the respect and trust of those around us. When we do this often enough, we can erode the trust and support of our peers, colleagues, and friends, and eventually find ourselves on the outs with our tribe.The most insidious part of this barrage of broken promises, is that we stop trusting ourselves and begin to experience a lack of self-esteem and confidence in all parts of our lives.<h2 id="3b03">So why is it that we put ourselves last?</h2>If you ate 5 star meals for dinner every night, you would eventually take them for granted.The thing that we have the most exposure or access to, we assume is the most constant in our lives. That’s why sometimes we can say the worst things to our family, they will always be family, now they may not like us as much, but they can’t kick us out of t

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he family.Going further down that logic rabbit hole, who do we spend the most time with in our lives? Our family, coworkers, friends, and partners. The same people who most often complain about being taken for granted.Beyond all those important people, there is one person whom we spend more time with than anyone else, and that’s ourselves.Me, myself, and I.We take ourselves for granted and we don’t honor our words to ourselves. When we don’t honor our own word, we don’t trust ourselves and the resulting lack of confidence and self-esteem leads us to become ineffective at getting what we want from life.At the end of the day, its ok to get a little tired with ourselves, and rather than pontificate on the suck-iness of the human condition, we could just structure our lives in a way to play against our weaknesses.Tell a friend you are losing weight, declare it to them, post it on social media, find someone who shares your goals and become accountabili-buddies.<h2 id="cb90">We don’t need to know why to be better</h2>We could go on and on about why it is that we don’t show up for ourselves like we do for other people. But instead, let's make a plan and get support from others with shared goals.Let's declare it, let's write it down, and let's track it.Between external support of the community and internal support from our subconscious, it becomes both difficult and painful to fail with all those stopgaps in place. It would be hard to get through your day without getting back on track with your commitments and failing in front of your friends.We all want to stay part of the tribe, and hopefully your tribe doesn’t ostracize people, but the fear in our DNA is still very real and works as a great motivator. So rather than bemoaning the human condition and wasting our time trying to figure out we do this, and why we can’t show up for ourselves, let’s instead play against our genetic weaknesses and get them to do our bidding.Over 1000 words later I have more than honored my commitment, and the thing is I knew that would happen all along. I’ve spent a lot of my life wondering why people don’t show up for their commitments and honor their word, I too want more answers, but tonight at 10pm I celebrate the power of societal pressure and commitment devices, and I hope this piece helps you plan against your weaknesses.If you need a support in this area, send me a message and I would be happy to add you to my list of accountabilibuddies. I use accountability and commitment devices in most aspects of my life, from fitness, business, family, and personal relationships, they work well for me and i’m sure they do wonders for you as well.</article></body>

I Only Wrote This Because I Promised Someone Else

How to manage against the Human tendency to take ourselves for granted

When we promise someone a finished product we deliver, whether it’s our boss, our teacher, or a friend. How many workouts would we have missed at the gym had we not promised someone else we would show up?

Most days I lose track of time and then no longer feel like writing, I suspect that happens often in the writing profession. Finding time to write and balance it with all the other activities of daily life can be extremely challenging.

Currently writing is one of many projects for me, one I am committed to getting better at; it’s where my learning domain and my career domain get to overlap. Writing is the thing that is challenging, works to make me smarter and better at problem solving, all the while fueling a career I am passionate about.

Today was one of those days I was gonna make up the work “tomorrow,” where rationalizations, justifications, and excuses were favorites for the win.

Were it not for these stop gaps.

In steps accountability

Earlier in the day as I started getting sidetracked on my projects, I reminded a friend of mine about my commitment to writing 500 words today no matter what. As the day went on, I got hungry and ate, chose to socialize in person and then digitally on social media.

Finally, I was ready to write, but I found myself sitting down with friends to watch a show as the dread of ignoring my commitment began to wash over me.

This is where I was ready to add it to tomorrow’s to-do-list and call it a day, except I remembered my promise, to myself and most importantly to someone else. I recommitted to that promise, watched the show with friends, and now, here I sit writing.

When the excuses usually win

If I were alone somewhere doing my thing, I likely would not have written these words and let the excuses and stories win over my commitments. There are support groups, Facebook pages, and even entire businesses whose sole purpose is to keep you accountable to your goals. They cover everything from smoking cessation, weight loss, all the way to starting a new business. You can create any kind of a commitment device you want to support you in achieving your goals.

Commitment devices have two major features. They are voluntarily adopted for use and they tie consequences to follow-through failures. Consequences can be immutable (irreversible, such as a monetary consequence) or mutable (allows for the possibility of future reversal of the consequence).

Adding stakes to our commitments works, it works well, and there’s a very real psychological reason behind why it works.

Humans fear being thrown out of the tribe.

Ostracism and its modern day version, cancel culture

When our actions don’t align with our words we are seen as unworthy of trust and potentionally dishonorable.

Athens, the last true democracy would vote every year on whom to exile for a period of 10 years. The word ostracism even comes from the Greeks, and is derived from “the “ostraka,” referring to the pottery shards that were used as voting tokens.

Back then exile meant loneliness, hunger, and likely death.

Today in our ever connected always on society, being ostracized probably feels like death without the same deadly consequences. Although indirectly, ostracism is linked to negative impacts on mental health and a rise in suicidal ideations.

That’s where cancel culture comes in, the modern day digitized version of ostracism. Unfortunately cancel culture is arbitrary and capricious and is usually looking to further some cause or interest of a given few influencers rather than for the good of the republic as in ancient Athens.

That being said, knowing our actions have consequences makes us think long and hard before we act. When we make a promise to do something, either to a group or an individual, we are staking our reputation on that promise in some small way.

If we don’t deliver on those promises, we stand to lose the respect and trust of those around us. When we do this often enough, we can erode the trust and support of our peers, colleagues, and friends, and eventually find ourselves on the outs with our tribe.

The most insidious part of this barrage of broken promises, is that we stop trusting ourselves and begin to experience a lack of self-esteem and confidence in all parts of our lives.

So why is it that we put ourselves last?

If you ate 5 star meals for dinner every night, you would eventually take them for granted.

The thing that we have the most exposure or access to, we assume is the most constant in our lives. That’s why sometimes we can say the worst things to our family, they will always be family, now they may not like us as much, but they can’t kick us out of the family.

Going further down that logic rabbit hole, who do we spend the most time with in our lives? Our family, coworkers, friends, and partners. The same people who most often complain about being taken for granted.

Beyond all those important people, there is one person whom we spend more time with than anyone else, and that’s ourselves.

Me, myself, and I.

We take ourselves for granted and we don’t honor our words to ourselves. When we don’t honor our own word, we don’t trust ourselves and the resulting lack of confidence and self-esteem leads us to become ineffective at getting what we want from life.

At the end of the day, its ok to get a little tired with ourselves, and rather than pontificate on the suck-iness of the human condition, we could just structure our lives in a way to play against our weaknesses.

Tell a friend you are losing weight, declare it to them, post it on social media, find someone who shares your goals and become accountabili-buddies.

We don’t need to know why to be better

We could go on and on about why it is that we don’t show up for ourselves like we do for other people. But instead, let's make a plan and get support from others with shared goals.

Let's declare it, let's write it down, and let's track it.

Between external support of the community and internal support from our subconscious, it becomes both difficult and painful to fail with all those stopgaps in place. It would be hard to get through your day without getting back on track with your commitments and failing in front of your friends.

We all want to stay part of the tribe, and hopefully your tribe doesn’t ostracize people, but the fear in our DNA is still very real and works as a great motivator. So rather than bemoaning the human condition and wasting our time trying to figure out we do this, and why we can’t show up for ourselves, let’s instead play against our genetic weaknesses and get them to do our bidding.

Over 1000 words later I have more than honored my commitment, and the thing is I knew that would happen all along. I’ve spent a lot of my life wondering why people don’t show up for their commitments and honor their word, I too want more answers, but tonight at 10pm I celebrate the power of societal pressure and commitment devices, and I hope this piece helps you plan against your weaknesses.

If you need a support in this area, send me a message and I would be happy to add you to my list of accountabilibuddies. I use accountability and commitment devices in most aspects of my life, from fitness, business, family, and personal relationships, they work well for me and i’m sure they do wonders for you as well.