Three Controversial Opinions That Might Make Me Undatable

What does this really say about modern dating?

I’ve always been a person with strong opinions. I know I’m not to everyone’s tastes, but I’m also not trying to be — I’m not trying to be intentionally controversial either. What I’ve always tried to do is bring my most authentic self into dating interactions. But I’m not oblivious to the fact that some of my opinions could make me undatable.

I value self-awareness, so I spent some time thinking about these opinions and how they might influence the way I’m viewed in the dating market. I should say upfront that I don’t plan on changing these opinions. I’m not ever going to change my values to be in a relationship. Besides, upon review of these “undatable” traits, I have a few questions.

The High Maintenance Woman

If you’ve ever watched the movie When Harry Met Sally, you’ll remember the scene when Harry describes to Sally that she’s the worst kind of woman — the one who thinks she’s low-maintenance but is actually the highest of high maintenance women. I’ll be honest — I used to be low-maintenance because I was afraid to speak up and advocate for myself. I had such a strong fear of abandonment that I abandoned myself instead. Later, I became like Sally — high-maintenance but still under the impression that I wasn’t.

These days, I am happily a high-maintenance woman. I admit it. I have needs, but I’m also the one responsible for maintaining them and for managing my lifestyle. I’m not asking or expecting anyone else to do it. Still, I’ve had potential partners hint that I sound a bit higher maintenance, and I always laugh and agree. But if I’m the one paying my bills, why is that problematic?

Of course, it’s more than that. A high-maintenance woman is seen as being a lot to manage, but here’s the truth of the matter. Men who say they want a low-maintenance woman are often indicating that they’re bringing low energy to relationships. The problem isn’t the woman who has needs and advocates for herself in relationships. The problem is that men are looking for women who will happily tolerate very little effort or attention in relationships.

“Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.” ~Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

When I tried to be low-maintenance, I found relationships, but they weren’t healthy ones. I tended to attract the kind of men who were happy to let me manage the relationship maintenance. I made the plans and effort, and they were perfectly happy to let me pick up the check — literally and metaphorically. I was trying to play the part of the good girlfriend, but I wasn’t evaluating if they were good boyfriends.

Men have often tried to explain to me what a truly high-maintenance woman is (read: gold-digger, a problematic label applied to women despite the many men who have the same behaviors), but there was always an underlying theme of the woman having needs the man wasn’t willing to meet. The men who were most likely to mention wanting a low-maintenance woman were usually the most low-effort of men.

All About Energy Matching

Another factor that sometimes make me undatable is my intention to energy match potential partners. I’m not coy, and I don’t play games. I’m also not chasing anybody, ever. This might not sound like a problem — and it’s not for me — but many people on dating apps and online dating are used to the push and pull of modern dating. I won’t pretend disinterest or wait to be chased. I’m also not following breadcrumbs or sitting on the bench while someone goes down the line of their “better” matches. In the end, you get what you give when it comes to dating me.

This becomes problematic because dating culture is set up to accommodate games, not connection. I’ve had men suggest that I entertain them and try to stand out from the crowd, but they’ve done nothing to bring that kind of energy to our encounter. They quickly find themselves deleted, and the reason for that is I match the energy being given.

“Here’s something else to think about: calling when you say you’re going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can’t lay this one stupid brick down, you ain’t never gonna have a house baby, and it’s cold outside.” ~Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

Of course, that can become problematic at times. There are days I just don’t have it in me to manage light conversations when I’m dealing with heavy life issues. I’m aware that I’m the one bringing the low energy then. But I still maintain that energy matching is more likely to eliminate the people who just aren’t on the same level. Compatibility matters, and I’ve stopped bringing the whole dog and pony show to dating where I try to impress and entertain the other person and started to show up as my actual self, looking for connection.

The Marriage Conundrum

To marry or not to marry, that is the question. I’ve found that many men who are interested in a long-term relationship are actually looking for their next marriage. That’s not problematic. The issue is that when the subject comes up, I have some pretty strong opinions about marriage equality. Or rather, the lack of it in most modern marriages.

In my opinion, men benefit far more than women in marriages. The stats that show married men are happier than married women back this up. If women are happier single, what does that say about the state of most marriages?

“When looking for a life partner, my advice to women is date all of them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the crazy boys. But do not marry them. The things that make the bad boys sexy do not make them good husbands. When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. Someone who thinks women should be smart, opinionated and ambitious. Someone who values fairness and expects or, even better, wants to do his share in the home. These men exist and, trust me, over time, nothing is sexier.” ~Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead

The truth is this: I’m not highly motivated to get remarried. I wouldn’t rule it out with the right person, but I have questions. I’m only up for full relationship equality. I won’t be carrying more of the mental, emotional, or household load than a partner. I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt, ceremonially burned the t-shirt, and swore I’d never go there again. I question equity in the status quo. It eliminates partners who aren’t true feminists and eliminates partners motivated by social standing (read: marriage) and not actual partnership.

I don’t want to be married just to say that I am. I don’t need marriage for companionship. Or sex, for that matter. I’m not interested in a legal entanglement with partners who don’t fully understand that most households are still based in inequity. If that makes me undatable, I’m okay with that because research also shows that women are happier single.

In Conclusion

I would never have admitted any of this when I was younger. I thought being a good girlfriend was asking for and expecting nothing — and I got a lot of that. I was afraid to match energy. I’d exhaust myself maintaining the connection while dating and then maintaining it while in the relationship. I put all my energy in, and I wasn’t getting much out of it beyond heartache. I thought marriage was the next natural step in long-term relationships, particularly if cohabitation was involved, and although I espoused equality as a value then, I didn’t make sure that my partner was on board with it.

I’m not worried about being undatable because my evaluation yielded some truly interesting thoughts about the conundrum of modern dating.

• What does it say about men who are looking for low-maintenance women? Are they even desirable partners? It might indicate an unwillingness to (a) put in effort or (b) contribute financially in a cohabitational relationship.
• Games usually have a winner and a loser. I have no interest in competing for anyone’s attention. Energy matching is the easiest way to find compatibility. I’m hearing men say that they want someone who is honest and clear about their intentions. Then, why is it that so many rely on bait and switch tactics to engage a partner?
• Marriage seems to be an outdated concept. While there are some benefits to it (with the right partner), it still doesn’t seem like a reasonable end goal for a relationship without more discussion around the mechanics of making a marriage strong and equitable.

Lately, I’ve been open to the idea of meeting someone but not overly motivated to go out and look for that kind of connection. I’ve been too busy investing in my day-to-day life. I have plans for my future, and a partner might fit into them, but I’m not relying on it.

Maybe I am undatable. That thought doesn’t bother me like it once would have. I have plenty of interests and strong social support. I can see the value in having a strong, supportive partner, but I don’t think bending any of the following “undatable” qualities would help me find one.