Why So Many Women Are Deciding Dating isn’t Worth It

“We don’t want everything in our lives to be easy. We want everything in our lives to be worth the effort.” ~Denis Morton

I want a relationship, but I get on a dating app and immediately question that statement. Do I want a relationship? If this is how I find one, is it actually worth it?

I was on a Peloton ride when the instructor said something that hit so hard.

“We don’t want everything in our lives to be easy. We want everything in our lives to be worth the effort.” ~Denis Morton

Not easy. Worth it.

I had a relationship like that once. It was far from easy, but there was no part of me that questioned if he was worth it. I knew that he was. While it didn’t work out in the end, I knew that I couldn’t go back to choosing relationships that were all effort with no reward the way I had before him.

So many women right now are deciding that dating just isn’t worth it. It’s not really surprising when you consider that married women are found to be the most unhappy demographic. As a woman who used to be married, that tracks. When women are so often doing most of the emotional labor in addition to the housework and childcare, it makes sense.

As a woman who is divorced and would enjoy a healthy relationship, I’ve gotten on dating apps only to discover that the effort really isn’t worth the benefits — assuming you experience any benefits at all. Conversations are often strained and dedicated to weeding out scams, spam, and bots. Dates aren’t often enjoyable when one person arrives with curiosity and an interest in connection and the other measures a date’s success by their chances of getting lucky.

Of course, that’s a generalization, but it’s also a common dating experience. I’ve enjoyed dates with men who I had no chemistry with but who were capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation and having a good attitude, and I’ve been on dates with men who felt that the date was only worth it if it led to sex or a relationship and resented any other result.

Do I sound bitter? I’m not. I am pragmatic though — if a pragmatic hopeless romantic is possible. I’m not looking for easy dating or an easy relationship. I just want one where the effort I put in is worth it.

It isn’t too much to ask. In fact, this should be a minimum requirement.

What Makes Dating — or a Relationship — Worth the Effort?

Genuine Connection

A relationship that is worth the effort will have genuine connection. It’s not forced. No one is having to pretend to be someone else to make it work. Both people are safe to show up as their most authentic selves.

Even when things are hard, the connection is there. It feels worth it because the bond is healthy and affirming. It doesn’t mean we don’t ever feel disconnected with our partners, but it does mean that both people value the connection enough to want to work at it.

Shared Interests

Another aspect of relationships that makes it worth it is when you share common interests. I’m so over the typical dating template of meeting for a drink. It’s not that it doesn’t have its benefits — being brief and budget-friendly are two of them — but it’s often one of the most boring dates unless you choose an interesting location.

When you share interests, dating can be fun. You can do something together that you both enjoy, and even if things don’t work out, you just might have good memories of the time you spent together. In the best relationships, you share some of the same interests but also introduce each other to new ones that become mutual interests.

Laughter and Fun

The biggest reward of dating or a relationship is shared laughter. Relationships shouldn’t be all work. There should be elements of playfulness, laughter, and fun. Believe me when I say that a relationship where you’re the only one with a sense of humor and sense of playfulness is hard work.

There’s a reason most people are attracted to someone with a sense of humor. Life is short, and it’s often challenging. Having someone who can make us laugh and understands our sense of humor is priceless. In the best relationships, you can even make each other laugh while doing the hard work of maintaining the relationship.

Mutual Support

Mutual support is another reward of relationships that can make it worth the effort. I specify mutual support here because I’ve had the experience where I was someone’s biggest cheerleader while they were my biggest obstacle to success with their constant negativity. In the best relationships, we enthusiastically support one another.

When life gets tough, we know that someone is there to provide encouragement. Having the shoulder to lean on, or cry on, is invaluable, and both people should feel like they have that. The relationship should make the hard things easier to bear, not harder. The mutual support is accompanied by mutual effort, and it feels rewarding to do the work.

Accountability and Repair

While accountability and repair don’t sound like relationship benefits, make no mistake that these are some of the most powerful qualities in a healthy relationship. It’s so important to have a partner who can admit when they’re wrong, apologize, and make relationship repairs.

They don’t gaslight us or invalidate the way we feel. They don’t avoid responsibility for their actions or refuse to ever admit they’re wrong. They don’t think an “I’m sorry” should result in immediate forgiveness and forgetfulness.

When both partners are capable of this, relationship upsets don’t necessarily become easy, but they certainly become more manageable. When we address conflict in healthy ways, we make the relationship stronger. It feels worth it because we know there’s room to make mistakes just as there’s room to make amends.

Happily Single: Better Than Being Unhappily Coupled

Of course, it’s not just women, is it? There are a lot of people in the world who evaluate dating and decide that it’s better to just stay single and enjoy it. We understand that there are worse things than being lonely — like being in a relationship with someone who makes us feel alone or spending all our free time trying to date only to end up disappointed.

I will always only choose between being happily single or happily partnered. The truth is that I know that I’m not the easiest person to date either. I have my flaws and quirks like anyone else. I also have a chronic illness that can make a relationship challenging at times. But in the end, I’m invested in cultivating a happy life regardless of my relationship status.

I know that I’m worthy of love, companionship, and connection, but I also know that I can’t afford to repeat old patterns or sacrifice myself for the possibility of partnership. I’d like to believe that one day I’ll meet someone who is worth the effort and emotions that go into dating. Until then, I know that I can be happily single and enjoy love, companionship, and connection from family and platonic relationships.

So many women are bailing on dating. We aren’t looking for easy. We just want any relationship in our lives to be worth the effort we put into them.

I repeat Denis Morton’s words like a mantra. Not easy. Worth it. I’m not looking for perfect. I just want it to be worth it.