What Women (Really) Want
It’s not complicated.
What do women (really) want? I could start with all the obvious things. Equal pay, reproductive freedom, inclusive beauty standards, the ability to go out in the world without fear of harassment, pockets. But what do women want in relationships?
This one seems to challenge the average man — at least, according to the women in my life and the ones I encounter online who date them. What we want is usually pretty simple. What we get, however, is often another story.
What Women (Really) Want
While I can’t speak for all women, I can share my experience and what I know from discussing this issue with others. Dating advice columns often want to make this complicated. They’ll tell you to play games to try to win her over, and they’ll even tell you how to go into hot pursuit. I won’t tell you any of those things because I understand already that advice like that is meant for people who still haven’t evolved into a healthy relationship mindset.
Let’s talk instead about what healthy women want to see in dating and relationships.
We Want Real Conversations
Let’s just start with the basics. When we’re dating, most women want potential partners who are capable of carrying on real conversations. Not small talk about work and the weather. Not an endless string of emojis. Words. Words that equate to something more than sex or small talk.
What we get, however, often just circles back to sex. My last relationship nailed this one right out of the gate. Not the circling back to sex part but the real, deep conversation.
From the start, he was charming and kind, but he could also hold his own in a conversation. He could match my wit, vulnerability, and knowledge with his own. Even before I realized I was interested, a fact I denied until I couldn’t any longer, I was intrigued. It was sexy as hell to be able to have that level of conversation with a man when most of dating has been telling someone how I’m doing, how work is going, and dodging the increasingly obvious overtures about whether or not we’re going to have sex.
Most women want real conversation. We want to know that the person we’re engaging with has something to say. We want to hear your thoughts and to share our own. It doesn’t have to be an over-sharing emotional conversation to be a good one. It just needs to be genuine.
We Want Consideration
An extension of real conversation, women also want men who are truly engaged in the interaction. Lately, many men seem to do one of two things in dating scenarios. They either try to impress us with their resume, finances, and life skills, or they try to interview us to see if we’ll fit into their lives as a potential partner.
While neither of these things are, in themselves, problematic, they seem to leave out one very important factor: our participation. I’ve had conversations with men where they never once asked anything about me. Even what I managed to volunteer was ignored. They were so busy trying to convince me of their worth that all they managed to do was convince me that they wouldn’t be considerate partners.
The other move I see often is that many potential dates go the interview route. Finding out the answers to all these deal breaker questions is important. But it’s not all that’s important. It’s possible to bring up these issues in conversation without making it seem like an interview.
We want real conversational engagement where both people get a word in edgewise and both people are considered equally valuable in the relationship. Otherwise, there just won’t be a relationship.
We Want Self-Aware Partners
What healthy women really want to see is self-aware partners — but not just self-aware. Self-aware accompanied by the deep inner work that goes with it.
The truth is that we see self-aware men all the time. They’re the ones who volunteer all their flaws in the first conversation — and then tell us we’ll just have to deal with it. They aced the self-awareness but failed to realize that being aware of our issues usually means that we need to work on them and not expect everyone else to just deal with it.
Self-aware partners are accountable for their part in past relationships. They know their flaws. They’re working on them, too. They’re capable of learning to communicate better, respect boundaries, and address conflict without disrespecting the other person. They aren’t perfect, but they’re trying. For the healthy woman who’s also trying, it’s an attractive trait.
We Want Equally Satisfying Sex
When we do engage in sexual relationships, we want them to be equally satisfying. There’s little worse than a sexual encounter that’s all about one person while neglecting the experience of the other. Wanting equally satisfying sex is one of those things that really shouldn’t be complicated. If only one person is enjoying it, that’s just masturbation — not a partnered sexual experience.
If we’re old enough to be having sex, we’re certainly old enough to be able to talk about it. It’s not just discussing contraception either. We should be able to talk about our wants and needs, fantasies and desires, and preferences when it comes to sex. We shouldn’t feel pressured to do something we don’t want to do, and consent should always be the first priority. Full, ongoing, enthusiastic consent.
We Want Clear, Consistent Communication
Beyond being able to have real conversations, we actually would like to see clear, consistent communication. I’m tired of trying to decode unclear communication. When a potential partner runs hot and cold, it doesn’t make me intrigued. It makes me annoyed.
I don’t want to have to try to figure out if someone is interested or not. If communication isn’t clear and consistent, I’ve probably already lost interest and moved on. I know many women who feel the same way.
It only takes a minute to send a text or let someone know when we’re going to be unavailable. While the hot and cold routine could be a sign that someone has an avoidant attachment, it could also just be an indicator of emotional immaturity.
Clear communication also includes stating what you want. If you want a casual relationship, say that. If you want a serious commitment, say that. If you want to be able to continue to date other people, cool. Say it. It’s not complicated. If you want to get married, never want to get married again, want to have kids, don’t want kids, want to adopt 10 kids, love dogs, hate gerbils, want a throuple, want space, want less space, whatever … say it.
Women really aren’t mind readers. By that same token, we should be speaking up and sharing what we want, too.
It can be scary to do — especially when we think we might lose the relationship if we’re honest. I once had to get drunk to ask a partner if he ever wanted to get married again. I’ll be honest — I’d have married that man in the first three months of that relationship and never looked back. I knew in that way you just know that I could have loved him for the rest of my life. But it was terrifying to ask him what he wanted because I was so afraid it wouldn’t be what I wanted and that even if he wanted what I wanted, he might not want it with me. It turns out that he didn’t want that with me, but if we’d been more honest at the start, I might not have gotten in that deep with someone who wasn’t on the same page.
We Want Ongoing Effort
Most women just want to see ongoing effort. Relationships take work. If we commit to being with someone, it’s not always going to feel like that first rush of infatuation. Some days, we’ll annoy each other. Some days, we just won’t show up as our best selves. We’ll screw up, and if we’re healthy, we’ll do our best to apologize and repair the relationship. Again and again and again.
It takes effort, and women aren’t seeing a lot of that effort these days. Of course, maybe other genders can say the same. I think we all just want to see real, genuine effort. We want partners who show up for us, people who are willing to really work on the problems, and people who will love us even when we’re ridiculously far from perfect.
It’s more than just making plans for date nights. It’s being willing to have hard conversations. It’s talking about our trauma and triggers. It’s being open and giving each other the benefit of the doubt and trying even when we screw it up to be better for ourselves and the person we love.
We want effort, but sometimes, we only see low effort behavior. We see people who want perfect partners or who are always looking for someone better. We don’t want someone to settle for us — we want someone who chooses us, who we choose back, and who will work with us on the relationship even when it’s not easy.
We Want Equitable Relationships
I’m a single mom, and there seems to be an assumption in dating that I am looking for someone to support me or parent my kids when I’m doing all that on my own. I don’t need Prince Charming to ride up on a white horse to save me. I’ve been saving myself. I’m going to keep saving myself, too.
What women really want is equitable relationships. Healthy women don’t want relationships where we have to mother a grown person. We don’t want to be responsible for working outside the house and then coming home to cook, clean, do the laundry, and manage all the emotional labor, too. We want to see relationships where each person is a fully competent human capable of carrying their own weight.
That doesn’t mean all relationships will be equal all the time. Sometimes, we do have to step up and take on more. Relationships ebb and flow, but what’s important is that we feel like the division of household and emotional and even relational labor is equitable and works for both partners — or all partners in polyamorous relationships.
We Want R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I told you it’s not complicated. Women want what we all want. Like Aretha Franklin spelled out for us, we want R-E-S-P-E-C-T — find out what it means to me. It’s not just equitable, clear relationships that we’re looking for — although yes to that. We want respect, too.
Relationships filled with condescension and criticism aren’t filled with respect. Relationships that value one person’s job, income, or role more than the other don’t have respect either. Dating scenarios that always circle back around to sex or objectify the other person aren’t respectful either.
Shouldn’t all our relationships be respectful, not just romantic ones? People want to say women are complicated. We really aren’t though. We want simple things. We want to be loved and respected. We want to be considered and treated kindly. We want to be able to be soft and strong and to embody whatever characteristics we choose without being sorted into societal or gender norms. We want respect. Relationships can’t be healthy without it.
We Want Partners Who Are on Our Side
Politics used to be one of those things where we could agree to disagree, and it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I think we can all agree that it’s far too divisive now for that. While I can’t speak for every woman, most of the ones I know want partners who are on our side.
For instance, many of us aren’t interested in men who don’t support reproductive freedom. We might immediately lose interest upon hearing that the person we’re interested in doesn’t really support equal pay or protecting our children in schools. These issues don’t just show someone’s politics. The personal is political, and we want partners who share our values and will fight for our rights just like they do their own.
Many of us are all too aware of misogyny, and we’re not likely to stick around once we glimpse it in a potential partner. In fact, I hate when men say “you’re not like other girls” as if criticizing the rest of my gender is somehow complimentary to me. I don’t buy into that line of thought. All I hear is that this guy doesn’t really respect women if he thinks that most of us are trash.
I think it’s safe to say that we want relationships where we feel like the other person will listen to our perspective and support us even when it doesn’t directly affect them. We want to know that the fight for our rights is their fight, too.
Keep It Simple, Seriously 😘
It’s not rocket science. It’s not even gender studies. It’s just the Golden Rule. Treat other people the way you want to be treated. It’s that simple.
You probably don’t want to engage in small talk all the time. Well, we don’t either.
You want to feel like what you have to say matters. Same, dude.
You want us to be self-aware rather than making you responsible for our problems, right? We feel that, man.
Do you like having orgasms and really amazing sex? We do, too!
You want to know if someone’s into you or not without having to decode their behavior. We’re also into that.
You want someone to put in the same effort you do, and we’re good with that.
You might not care about equitable relationships, but if you want a healthy relationship, you’re going to need to study up on that one.
You want to be treated with respect. We’ll take some of that, too.
Want us to have your back? Have ours, too.
It’s really not hard to understand. While there’s a learning curve to smashing the patriarchy and bettering society for all genders, there’s really not anything mysterious about what women want in relationships.
In fact, if you don’t know, just ask. We’re happy to tell you.
This doesn’t just apply to cis-gender women either. It applies to the gender-fluid, the non-binary, men, and the trans community. These are just good rules for healthy relationships. Give us a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T. And pockets.
