This is why they cheated
Did your partner betray you in the worst possible way? This may be why.
by: E.B. Johnson
In life, we go through a number of ups and downs. Our relationships are no different. While we start them in good faith and work hard to keep our partners happy, things go wrong and we get hurt. Infidelity is one of the biggest obstacles our relationships can run into. When our partners betray us, it leaves us damaged and doubting who we are and what we want. But why do our partners cheat on us? And what can we do to find ourselves again in the wake? Thanks to a study by the University of Maryland, we now have a few more answers.
Why they cheated on you.
In a recent study, several researchers got down to the root of the reasons for infidelity. Sampling some 495 individuals, they quizzed them on the causes behind their decisions to cheat, and the answers were surprising. Rather than just being about “sex” they discovered that there were several other motivating factors behind your partner’s decision to stray.
Emotional neglect
A common reason listed among participants for their cheating was emotional neglect. They felt that their partner had not been present in the relationship, and that they had not shown a sufficient level of care or compassion relative to what was expected. This emotional neglect left the offended party feeling isolated, unloved, and disrespected. In turn, this encouraged them to find the emotional affection they wanted outside of the relationship (not always resulting in physical intimacy).
Lingering anger
Believably, lingering anger was another reason oft cited for partners straying outside of their commitments. Rather than addressing their concerns with their partners, they left their unhappiness to simmer. Over time, this coagulated it a mess of complex and negative emotions like anger and resentment — which then caused the cheater to seek a sense of justice. Cheating was one way they felt they got this justice; whether their anger was really directed at their partner at all.
No love left
Love is a complex emotion, and it’s one that many of us can struggle to understand fully. Sometimes, our partners stray because they’ve lost their love for us or it has changed over time. On the other side of that page, our partners also cheat when they realize they never loved us at all. That’s right. We very often confuse love with feelings like comfort and lust. Years later, this can leave us standing in a mess we don’t want to be a part of.
Zero commitments
Unsurprisingly, commitment issues were another common reason that cheaters cited as a motivating factor behind their decision to cheat. Whether the partner who cheated felt they didn’t have to respect agreements made, or they just don’t see your commitment in the same light — it leads to relationship upset and infidelity. In order to avoid this devastation, we have to be explicitly clear about what we expect from our relationships and our partners.
Overwhelming desire
Sexual desire is important in relationships, and it’s equally important that partners come into relationships with similar sexual compatibility. When this doesn’t happen, we can find that we or our partners become aggravated by the disconnect. When their sexual desire is exceeding what they believe they are getting at home, our partners can stray in order to satiate their desires. To avoid this, we have to be upfront about what we want in and out of the bedroom.
Convenient situation
In an enlightening turn, the study also revealed that not all cheating comes down to insidious problems in our relationships. Sometimes, infidelity comes down to nothing more than a convenient situation and being in the “right place at the right time”. Temptation is hard to overcome. It provides us with temporary highs that are addictive; especially when we’re dealing with heavy issues or doubts. Convenience could be the reason behind your partner’s betraying behavior.
Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is especially toxic in relationships, as it drives us right into insecurity and behaviors which might otherwise be outside of our normal character. In the study, several participants listed their own low self-esteem as the motivating factor behind their infidelity. Struggling to value themselves with their current partners, they went looking for the attention of others in order to prove to themselves that they were still “valid”.
Seeking variety
Each one of us is different when it comes to love, and sex, and relationships. We want different things and we value different things. That’s okay. For some, a monogamous relationship provides stability and comfort — while for others it can be a suffocating experience. A number of participants in the study cited boredom and a need for variety as their reason for straying. While this behavior in singledom isn’t offensive, it is harmful when we mislead someone through monogamous commitment to them.
How to bounce back.
Have you been the victim of cheating? Has your partner strayed outside of your commitment? Before you react to their behavior or confront them, you need to take some time to process and let go of the guilt. Get a handle on yourself and you will be better equipped to bounce back and make the tough decisions when it comes to the future of your relationship.
1. Let go of the guilt
If you’ve just learned about your partner’s unfaithfulness, then you may confront several nasty and complex emotions. Chief among these, you may notice guilt swirling around the most. It’s natural. When someone hurts you, you question what you did to make them behave that way. We are not responsible for the actions of others, though. Before you can move forward, move past this guilt and let the blame lie where it belongs.
Let go of all that guilt and all that shame you are holding on to. Your partner’s decisions are not your decisions. They are not a reflection of you as a person, and they are not a reflection of your worth, either. Infidelity happens — even in the most ideal relationships, with the most ideal partners.
Allow the blame to lay where it belongs. Refuse to take accountability for the choices your partner made on their own, in their own time, with people who are not you. Getting past this guilt is the only way you can start to heal. Before you can open up to your friends or even be honest with yourself (and your partner) you have to believe you aren’t at fault. Shift your guilt out of the situation so that you can confidently move forward toward a resolution that works.
2. Embrace a habit of love
When our partner damages our trust in such a deep way, it’s hard to bounce back. We doubt ourselves and we doubt what we offer them or anyone else. We can even find ourselves asking questions like, “If I’m not good enough for them, who am I good enough for?” This is toxic thinking and categorically untrue. In order to move past this, you have to embrace a habit of self-love so you can rebuild your self-esteem.
You’ve got to embrace the radical act of self-love if you truly want to heal and recover from the pain caused by your partner’s infidelity. That wound runs deep. Don’t allow it to destroy you. Fall in love with your body, your heart, and your mind, so that you. can rebuild your self-esteem and act in your best interest.
Make time each day to reaffirm who you are as a person and love yourself. Affirmations and journaling a great way to get started in this process, but it all depends on what works for you. When you wake up in the morning, take 10–15 minutes to greet yourself with love and positivity. Before you go to bed each night, take time to celebrate all the things you did well. Making this into a practice helps us to see ourselves in a more worthy and deserving light.
3. Circle the wagons
In the days of America’s great western movement, the homesteaders headed out to California and Oregon in their old covered wagons. At night, they would circle the wagons together in order to protect one another (and life-stock) from danger. When danger came calling on the move, they did the same. This is a tactic we can use in our daily lives. When things go wrong, we can call our people to us and “circle up the wagons” for help and support.
Surround yourself with good people who can get you started on the healing process. Open up to people you trust (preferably people who aren’t connected to your partner). Share your experience with them and allow them to comfort you and give you advice.
Our friends and family can really elevate us when we’re at a low. They can help us remember our strength and remind us that we are deserving of compassion and good behavior. Don’t allow yourself to be buried in guilt or shame. Your partner’s decisions are not a reflection of who you are as a person or a partner. They simply are. Let your feelings come through and let your hurting be halved by leaning into your most trusted friend groups.
4. Branch out on your own
Eventually you’ll have to confront your partner and make some serious decisions about your relationship. But before you do that, it’s important that you get some perspective and remember who you are and what you want. To do this, we can branch out on our own. Rather than running away from our problems, we work through them by getting back in touch with those things that allow us to feel confident, valued, and fulfilled.
You need to branch out on your own and get some space to reconnect with you. There were hobbies, passions, and experiences that you loved outside of your partnership. Now is the time to get back in touch with those things and remember and reclaim who you are.
Distract yourself for a while by jumping back into a life you love. You can’t afford to spend all your time wallowing in negative emotions over what was lost. At some point, you’re going to have to re-engage with life so you can figure out what you want to do next. Take an online class. Go out for a wine-and-paint night. There’s no end to the possibilities. Follow your passions, your interests and the things that bring you joy. Allow them to lead you back to a sense of who you are and what you want (outside of romantic love).
5. Give yourself time to process
As you grow more and more into your confidence, the time will come to confront your partner and their infidelity. Before you do that, though, you need to give yourself a final chance to work through any lingering thoughts and emotions. This means looking to the anger, the upset, and the hurt. It also means looking to the future and making comparisons between your current relationship and the environment you want to build for yourself and your family.
Before you make any big decisions about what comes next in your partnership, give yourself time to process everything that’s happened and everything you’re feeling. Embrace your emotions. Let them come through — the good and the bad.
Question your emotions and then look to the future. Create a vision of the relationship that you need and then look to your partner. Will you be able to forgive them in that future? Will they become someone who you can trust without reserve? You need to work through all your complex emotions and thoughts on your own and get serious about the kind of decisions you want to make. Slow it down and take your time. You won’t get the answers overnight, but you’ll know for certain when you come up with the resolution you need.
Putting it all together…
Have you become the victim of infidelity in your relationship? Knowing why your partner cheated can be an important milestone in moving on, but it’s not the only key to recovery. Before you react or jump into refreshing your commitment, take some time to think about what really matters to you. Healing from infidelity is hard, and it requires us to dig deep and look within for the answers.
Let go of the guilt. You aren’t at fault for the actions of your partner. Once you’ve gotten rid of this guilt, you can open up and start to love yourself again. Establishing a self-love routine allows us to re-establish our self-esteem, which then empowers us to act in our best interests. Once you’ve started to feel more confident, open up to people you trust and allow them to see your pain. These friends can comfort you and provide important insight that motivates and inspires you. Branch out on your own and get back in touch with your passions and the things that interest you. This will remind you of who you are and encourage you to stay focused on what you really want from your partner and your relationship. Before you commit to any action, moving forward with your partner, though, give yourself time to process. What future do you want? Can this person provide it? Think long and hard before you make the choice to recommit.
- Selterman, D., Garcia, J. R., & Tsapelas, I. (2020). What do people do, say, and feel when they have affairs? Associations between extradyadic infidelity motives with behavioral, emotional, and sexual outcome. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (Online). https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2020.1856987