This Is the Problem With Marriage

It gave one person too much power in my life

“If you leave me,” he says. “I’ll make sure there’s no money and you work for the rest of your life.”

When I walked toward an altar in my twenties I was naive. I thought I would be sharing my life, not relinquishing it to someone else. The passive-aggressive man waiting for me appeared easygoing.

I didn’t understand this quietly hidden form of control.

“You’re never going to win,” he says.

These exchanges occurred while I was still married. They tell a darker truth about some marital relationships. It was the problem with my marriage.

It gave one person too much power in my life.

I had no idea these were the good years. My husband still felt he controlled me. He still believed he was in charge. He was content harboring threats about getting his way while our marriage was crumbling.

Divorce didn’t feel like the end of a relationship.

It felt as if I couldn’t escape a relentless imprisoner. My husband’s need for control escalated. A near certain probability when an extremely controlling individual feels they no longer have the ability to control you.

I could say becoming a stay-at-home mother decreased my power and increased my husband’s. It would be true. I made myself financially vulnerable.

It was foolish to trust anyone to that degree.

I could say giving in to my husband over the years decreased my power and increased my husband’s. It would be true. I was by nature a pleaser and a fixer. It’s something our marriage counselor made abundantly clear.

It was foolish to repeatedly give in to one individual.

I could say staying in an unhealthy relationship for too long decreased my power and increased my husband’s. It would be true. I was a major enabler. I tolerated repeatedly bad behavior.

It was foolish to make excuses for someone’s perpetually bad behavior.

But there was one other overarching truth.

It began that day at the altar.

I wasn’t walking toward a man. A best friend. A husband. A cohort. A team player. I was traveling in the direction of a very extreme personality. The type of control that makes a typically controlling person appear to be laid-back.

The type of individual who isn’t capable of a healthy relationship.

And most certainly, incapable of a healthy marriage.

The emotional scales will always tip in one direction. They aren’t capable of typical compromise, shared vision, collaboration, or a give-and-take. They view marriage as something to be in charge of, commandeered, or won.

A spouse getting their way doesn’t bring them joy.

It registers defeat.

I didn’t gain a partner that August day. I didn’t exchange vows with my emotional accomplice. I didn’t get a best friend for life.

I decreased my power and increased my husband’s power.

No one should have all the power in a relationship.

And no one should be powerless either.

Relationships aren’t meant to be won. They aren’t meant to be dominated. They aren’t meant to revolve around one person. They aren’t meant to be commandeered by extreme control.

Or threats by a spouse yielding their power.

“If you leave me,” he says. “I’ll make sure there’s no money and you work for the rest of your life.”

This was the problem with my marriage.

It gave one person too much power in my life.

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