I Gave Myself Away

When a giver attracts a taker

“He’s a very selfish man,” utters someone close to my husband. Their words catch me off guard. I am young and have yet to notice this truth. I would not describe him this way.

Years later, my husband huffs and puffs as he sweeps the garage.

“What’s the matter?” I ask.

“I’m disappointed,” he says. “I wanted to go away with my friends this weekend.”

I don’t respond to my husband. I’m too shocked to say a word. I walk past him into the house. Or should I say I barely walk past him? My entire body aches.

I should be resting. The day before my children and I are in a car accident. We are hit by one car and thrown into another. It’s a double impact. I remember seeing the car barreling towards us.

All I can think is I have all three of my babies in the backseat.

The man who rear-ends us is elderly. I catch my breath, look back, and thank God my boys are okay and the baby’s car seat has held him properly. I keep it together as first responders approach until I recognize my brother’s fellow firefighter.

It’s stimulus and response.

I burst into tears at the sight of someone familiar.

Not for me but because my children are okay. I was terrified in the moments preceding the impact. I couldn’t protect my kids from the danger I saw coming.

The firefighters want to take me to the hospital. I refuse. They warn me I may feel differently tomorrow. I may find it difficult to move. We had been hit hard and I had braced because I saw it coming.

I call my husband.

Am I surprised he doesn’t leave work early? A little, yes.

I’m unnerved and rattled. This makes me more in tune with his behavior. It’s one of the rare days I need him. I’m not one to make him go in late, come home early, or take off work for any reason.

His family has been in an accident yet he treats it like an average day.

I’m surprised he doesn’t share my fear, especially for our boys.

The next day I find it hard to move. The firemen are right. I can’t carry my baby up the stairs. He’s a big boy and twenty-something pounds. We have three children under six. I’m not sure how I will manage over the weekend.

My husband has a boys' trip planned to watch a game.

“I don’t think you can go away,” I say. “I can’t carry the baby upstairs.”

“You’ll be fine,” he says.

“I’m serious,” I say.

He cancels his trip. He’s not happy about it. I don’t realize how aggravated he is until he huffs and puffs like a spoiled child. I feel awful he’s had to alter his plans.

But these are extraordinary circumstances.

I grasp the extent of his selfishness. Not only in the form of a tantrum. The entire event. I had to ask him to stay home. He never offered. He never feigned concern. Or even a dose of understandable regret for leaving after a traumatic event.

I collect myself and head towards the garage.

“Do you know how many times I’ve been disappointed or inconvenienced?” I say. “That’s life. We can’t always get our way.”

Sometimes it takes an extreme situation to recognize your extremes. This was not a man accustomed to not getting what he wanted. Or being disappointed. The crazy thing? I typically wouldn’t have asked him to change his plans. I would have soldiered through the weekend.

Only this time I physically couldn’t.

They say we can attract ourselves to opposites. I was an extreme giver. He was an extreme taker. I take responsibility for making him worse. I know this. Because it was the first time I set a boundary that prohibited him from getting what he wanted.

It was the first time I witnessed his disappointment.

He was a taker, but he didn’t take me. I had no boundaries. No self-protective mechanisms. I come from a family of first responders who spend their lives attending to others. The most he can be accused of is taking advantage of me.

I gave myself away.

Unknowingly, I’ll admit. I thought I was being a friend, a wife, and a mother. It was part giver, part gratitude. When you are working as a team you acknowledge what the other person is doing.

But there’s a difference between giving and giving ourselves away.

(Below is a quote every giver should live by. You can follow me on Instagram and Twitter for other quotes) Instagram Twitter

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