I Was Fighting for My Marriage
Why you should never use this phrase.
I met a guy who was a personal trainer turned nursing student. He beat cancer and had an interesting theory. He felt people misused the term ‘fight’ when battling illness.
He believed this to be counterproductive. He thought it worked the body into a negative state. He went about his treatment and healing minus this one reference.
His words stuck with me. They were one man’s hypothesis. But they made me rethink aspects of my own life. How we approach the variety of challenges we encounter.
I was fighting for my marriage. A common catchphrase and a noble cause. These are spousal-saving words and uttering them is a societal norm. I embraced this concept. I was in it to win it.
Duking it out for my family.
Right?
One day I was having lunch. “No one has fought harder than you to save their marriage,” says my friend. And there it was. The absurdity of this ideology.
“Fighting for.”
How it becomes the benchmark for a failing marriage. We’re supposed to do it. If not, we’re giving up. But are we? And should we?
By the time this terminology enters a marriage, there’s a fairly universal reality.
Chances are only one person has the gloves on. The other has long ago exited the ring. I was singularly fighting for my relationship. My husband had given up. To be more precise, he refused to even enter the match. He was rigidly refusing to leave or work on our marriage.
While I worked my body into a negative state. He simply didn’t care. He cared enough not to leave but not enough to engage. Our relationship was suffering.
People shouldn’t walk away from a marriage.
They should exhaust their options. They should prioritize one another. They should enter couples counseling. They should improve communication and respect. They should make time for each other. They should compromise.
They should focus on love, values, and family.
But when one spouse checks out and the true fight for survival begins…
It’s time to reevaluate.
You can’t save someone who doesn’t think there’s anything worth saving. If they believed in your cause they would have their sleeves rolled up beside you. You would feel less battle fatigue and be more front-line ready.
You wouldn’t absorb the entire impact of the fight.
I was fighting for my marriage. We weren’t fighting for it. I was working myself into a frenzy. I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually spent. The less my husband fought, the more I did.
It was counterproductive.
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